Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hi everyone. I love Dailystrength and am usually the one to advise over on the coming out and gay men's challenge boards, but I currently find myself enmeshed in a family drama and cannot really give an objective opinion. I would love some advice on this tangled web.
I am 25 and live on my own. A few days ago my older brother (30) called me nearly in tears. Apparantly, my mom(61) saw a text meant for my dad(63) from her best friend(45). The content was sexually charged, and she found others like it. When she confronted my father, he broke down and confessed everything.
It wasn't anything physical but they had been sexting each other. To some, sexting doesn't constitute infidelity, to some it does. My mother is of the latter opinion, and I'm inclined to support her as this wasn't some random person but someone he knew and could potentially act on these fantasies with. The best friend came to their house shortly after and I think it's fair to say that relationship is severed for both my father and my mother. I feel slightly bad for the woman, her husband is emotionally abusive, and I'm guessing she latched on to my father because he showed her kindness. It doesn't excuse her actions of course.
Still, it takes two to tango, and I suspect my usually emotionally stunted father found it easier to find fulfillment this way than opening up to my mother. He is basically broken right now. I am angry at him for betraying my mother, but my heart also breaks for him, because he is my father. it is a strange emotional duality to process.
My mother has always been a strong, resilient woman. She kicked him out the night she found out; more so she could compose herself without doing something she couldn't take back. After she reflected, my dad was allowed to come home, and they've been very cordial and even do social things together. They've gone out to dinner and have actually started really talking for the first time in years. But all is not well.
My mom opened up and expressed that she has felt zero affection from my father lately, and is basically more hurt that he would share it with someone else when she was right there. She also explained to my dad that she has 4 options in front of her; be married and happy, be married and unhappy, be single and happy, or single and unhappy. She doesn't know which she will pick. She has made an appointment with a counselor to help her process it all.
My brother still lives at home and is both emotionally fragile and can be a bit dramatic, so this is throwing off a lot of his emotional progress he's made over the last few months. I think he's begun addressing this issue with his therapist. My dad has promised to do anything and everything to make this up to my mom, but I'm not sure if he can, or if my mom will accept that.
As for me, I'm pretty confused. I have always enjoyed a close relationship with my parents, and as I've grown into adulthood, they've taken on the role of friend as well. We often ask each other for advice and personal opinions, but for something like this, I need to know where to draw the line. As a rule of thumb, I think a kid has no business messing with the intimate details of their parents' marriage, but I also realize that this directly affects me. I want to be supportive of both, and try not to be too judgmental, but my anger towards my father is making that difficult. I certainly feel my anger is warranted, but I need someway to filter it into something constructive.
The other issue is my brother. Like I said he tends to be dramatic; act first and think second. He has been making some rather dramatic shows lately and directly inserting himself in discussions I believe are inappropriate for him to be a part of. I've been advising him to try and focus on his own progress and try not to be so actively involved in my parents' drama, but he is right that this affects him.
Sorry for the wall of text, but I'm at a loss on what to do here, and that is a rarity for me. I suspect some family therapy and marriage counseling in the near future. Could someone with more experience here offer a little insight? Thanks so much.
I am 25 and live on my own. A few days ago my older brother (30) called me nearly in tears. Apparantly, my mom(61) saw a text meant for my dad(63) from her best friend(45). The content was sexually charged, and she found others like it. When she confronted my father, he broke down and confessed everything.
It wasn't anything physical but they had been sexting each other. To some, sexting doesn't constitute infidelity, to some it does. My mother is of the latter opinion, and I'm inclined to support her as this wasn't some random person but someone he knew and could potentially act on these fantasies with. The best friend came to their house shortly after and I think it's fair to say that relationship is severed for both my father and my mother. I feel slightly bad for the woman, her husband is emotionally abusive, and I'm guessing she latched on to my father because he showed her kindness. It doesn't excuse her actions of course.
Still, it takes two to tango, and I suspect my usually emotionally stunted father found it easier to find fulfillment this way than opening up to my mother. He is basically broken right now. I am angry at him for betraying my mother, but my heart also breaks for him, because he is my father. it is a strange emotional duality to process.
My mother has always been a strong, resilient woman. She kicked him out the night she found out; more so she could compose herself without doing something she couldn't take back. After she reflected, my dad was allowed to come home, and they've been very cordial and even do social things together. They've gone out to dinner and have actually started really talking for the first time in years. But all is not well.
My mom opened up and expressed that she has felt zero affection from my father lately, and is basically more hurt that he would share it with someone else when she was right there. She also explained to my dad that she has 4 options in front of her; be married and happy, be married and unhappy, be single and happy, or single and unhappy. She doesn't know which she will pick. She has made an appointment with a counselor to help her process it all.
My brother still lives at home and is both emotionally fragile and can be a bit dramatic, so this is throwing off a lot of his emotional progress he's made over the last few months. I think he's begun addressing this issue with his therapist. My dad has promised to do anything and everything to make this up to my mom, but I'm not sure if he can, or if my mom will accept that.
As for me, I'm pretty confused. I have always enjoyed a close relationship with my parents, and as I've grown into adulthood, they've taken on the role of friend as well. We often ask each other for advice and personal opinions, but for something like this, I need to know where to draw the line. As a rule of thumb, I think a kid has no business messing with the intimate details of their parents' marriage, but I also realize that this directly affects me. I want to be supportive of both, and try not to be too judgmental, but my anger towards my father is making that difficult. I certainly feel my anger is warranted, but I need someway to filter it into something constructive.
The other issue is my brother. Like I said he tends to be dramatic; act first and think second. He has been making some rather dramatic shows lately and directly inserting himself in discussions I believe are inappropriate for him to be a part of. I've been advising him to try and focus on his own progress and try not to be so actively involved in my parents' drama, but he is right that this affects him.
Sorry for the wall of text, but I'm at a loss on what to do here, and that is a rarity for me. I suspect some family therapy and marriage counseling in the near future. Could someone with more experience here offer a little insight? Thanks so much.
I suggest you get prepared because grown adults with access to each other do not just sext. They have sex.
Read about trickle truth. Usually, when caught, people only admit the little bit that there is proof of. It is quite often the case that more comes out later. So be prepared for you mother finding out this was actually a full blown affair.
See if you can find a local Imago therapist. Refer them to this therapist and then try to minimize forming triangles with them. Its theirs to fix or blow up.
Thanks so much for your response. My mom is very internet/tech savvy, so i think that site will be good for her.
I am inclined to believe my father hasn't gotten physical but it is a possibility. I'm sure the whole truth will be on the table in the days and weeks to come (Merry Christmas to us).
I had no idea what Imago therapy was, but it looks promising. I'll pass along the info.
I agree with keeping this issue at arms length. It should be an A and B situation for them, and my brother needs to C his way out of it. I also have been actively trying not to get into it. My brother keeps calling me and texting me, asking for me to talk to one or both of our parents about it. I know him enough to know that he is just trying to stir the pot a bit.
I guess I'm also reeling a bit. I've lost almost all respect for a man that was always a rock for me. My family has faced plenty of things in my life; poverty, sickness, 9/11, hurricanes, etc. We always made it through because we stuck together. This time the problem is coming from within... and I still can't quite wrap my head around it.
I'd say concentrate in helping your brother. IMO, just because you're now an adult doesn't mean that you have to get into your parents marital problems. Your parents should get you and your brother involved in the same way they get their children when they are minors, that is, you don't need to get the details of every single thing that goes on in their relationship.
In fact, I am quite sure that you do not know everything there is to know about your parents relationship, so I'd leave that alone. I think it's time for you to be a supportive brother and let your parents take the role of parents and help you deal with the situation as it affects you, not the other way around.
You sound strong, but you do need and deserve help and care and advise and a hug and support too. This isn't the time for you to try to solve (or form an active part of) a relationship problem. You are one of the affected parties here. ACCEPT THAT ROLE. Your parents should make you feel safe and not drag you into their drama. That should be your role in the whole thing. Concentrate in helping your brother.