Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I am looking for, something, maybe support, from any other Mormon couples on here. We are Mormon, and there are some unique challenges we now face due to my wife's infidelity and lying.
We both struggle with trusting anyone in leadership in the church because we have both personal experience and seen first hand from friends and family, that no secret is ever really secret within the church. Church leaders tend to discuss private matters with others, and it spreads like wildfire from there.
We were married in the temple, so you see where I am going with this. I don't like the idea of excommunication at all. I think that is a death blow both to our faith and our marriage. But I struggle with thinking why she should just get a free pass on this.
My faith in God has fallen. When I needed him most, I feel abandoned. Prayer does not work. I do feel that I was inspired to look at her phone records, because it was not something I was thinking about nor was I trying to find ways to uncover things. It just happened. For some reason I decided to take a look at both our phone histories and that is where I saw the messaging. I googled the number and knew exactly who it was, althought really I already knew cause it was a guy at work I had warned her about many times before. But, she perceives me as a jerk when I tell her these things.
Anyways, if you are Mormon, how did you get through this? Who did you confide in? How can you possible trust anyone within the church? I struggle with even wanting to attend anymore. Not sure why I should even attend. A few months ago, she attacked me, because I have struggled with enjoying church and attending meetings. She said I "was a failure as a spiritual leader for our family." Yeah, how would that line make you feel?! She denies having said that, but I didn't make it up. The hypocrosy here is just incredible. So why should I keep attending? What's it even matter anymore anyways?
I asked her what would have happened if she never told me? We would approach judgement day together, me stupidly thinking we are moving in to "heaven" together as a couple, as a family, only to see her sent somewhere else? She said yeah, that exact idea had crossed her mind. Pretty twisted for me.
How do you get through this? How do you keep any faith? How can prayer even work when it feels empty, cold, distant?
Your wife betrayed her vows to you. That part is easy to understand. She could have come to you if there were problems in the marriage and talked to you. She didn't. Choosing to cheat does not mean the marriage was bad or the betrayed spouse was a bad husband. It's more to do with the morals of the cheater than anything else.
Telling you that you are failure as the spiritual leader of your family is unfair. Your job as leader is to lead, if you have been given that role. Her job was to follow, if that was the role she accepted. Remember the old saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. I think that applies here.
Your wife needs to work with a good therapist on her character issues. If you just continue on with her without truly resolving this, then she may fall again. You owe it to yourself and her to lead in the right direction. I'd ask her to make an appointment and have at least one visit together before she starts on her journey of self improvement.
If your value your spirituality, I would consider this a test of faith for you. Maybe it's time to reevaluate if your particular denomination is the best choice for you and your family.
Ask yourself the age old question of which is more likely to get you into the gates of heaven:
Blind faith that is never questioned from cradle to death, with your blindly following the way you were taught without questioning it.
Or questioning everything you believe in, seeking guidance from God, and being open to him leading you in a slightly different direction.
In other words does religion mean more when you question it, seek knowledge, and rededicate yourself to your belief structure with open eyes?
There is no reason that this should even stay a secret as her crime is also against God and the church.
There is something call church discipline where she apologizes for her actions that have tainted not only your marriage but your church.
That being said the church members, while being disappointed in your wife, should help support the reconciliation of the marriage and the growth of your wife going forward.