Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I put this in Divorce/Breakups but it should go here in this group (sorry for duplication):
I posted earlier closer to D-Day which was months ago now. Husband had multi-year affair with ex from long ago, which rekindled through work trips. Totally hid it from me. Compelling evidence it's been emotional for a while, and physical maybe at least the last year. Oh and we have kids so some of the extra travel took him away from spending time with them. He sucks totally. The whole time since I've pieced things together I've gotten deflection, blame-shifting (so it's about how I've broken trust with my detective work, which is mainly just smart use of google and social media observing), anger, threats, etc. whenever I've asked him to outright admit what happened, to talk about what this affair meant to him, what he was going through so we can figure out what our relationship needs, to recognize the pain it's caused me, etc.
Initially I asked him for a separation. He generated a heartfelt series of apologies for all the ways he's been a crappy husband and dad, bought us both a relationship book and read it first to diagnose his own role in this, offered to do couples counseling. The problem is he has kept deferring talking about the affair at all as a thing, and only wants to work on underlying marriage problems. We are like 2 months into couples counseling and I did bring up the affair only to have him refuse to come to the next session, and then our therapist who maybe sucks backed off and let us go back to talking about general relationship stuff (let's be clear, I let the therapist do this, so I suck too).
At this point I just can't take it anymore risking re-connecting to my husband without dealing with this. I can't trust him fully until we address it. I feel like he is manipulating me by dictating the terms of our therapy (which is part of how he could have done this to begin with, right? manipulating me and discounting me). So I'm back to square one : about to ask him for a separation. He's been a much, much better husband consistently these last few months and a more present dad, but nothing in the dad category that is super stellar so it may not be as shocking/traumtic for the kids to go back to me acting mostly like a single mom which I did for like years.
I just can't live without the truth discussed even briefly.
I'm doing the right thing, right, in separating? What does one do with a spouse who does make an effort but continually defers taking responsibility for the elephant in the room? I can't tell if it's shame preventing him from being able to talk about it, entitlement and lack of empathy since he just wants to "move on" from it, fear that I actually will leave him, or what. It's not my job though, right, in guessing what's driving him. This is clearly part of the longer pattern of him being emotionally immature, and not being able to express his feelings, that has gotten us into this mess in the first place.
Nothing he is doing shows that he is remorseful, wants you to heal, or wants to seek change.
He can keep up the good husband/father act for a bit but eventually he'll start cheating again.
He seems pretty oblivious to your pain and as you said he is immature in character. It will be hard for him to play good husband while harboring this internal selfish childlike identity. It will come to the surface sooner than later.
Best scenario for kids involved is reconciliation but it is dependent on him taking ownership of his actions and lack of character. It seems like you given him plenty of chances and it is right of you to stop short of enabling him.
If he still works with his affair partner, that tells you a lot. The same can be said if he hasn't offered you complete and total transparency. By going through therapy, he may be taking the approach of doing what he believes is the least amount possible to avoid loosing his family. A CS can skirt through this process in an effort to sell you on the belief that they are committed to changing. (my wife did the same thing) In reality, it is a smoke screen.
He may have to loose what he has before he truly makes an effort to change, and step #1 involves taking responsibility for his actions. Even though society/TV may make us feel otherwise, an affair is 100% a reflection of the cheater and their broken state; it has nothing to do with the betrayed partner. Get you some help too. Go to the "Beyond Affair Network" website and see if there is a support group in your area. It's free, and I'd highly recommend this to all betrayed spouses.
The issue lies within the mind and identify of your husband. He can fake being a decent person for a while but he hasn't changed at all.
Like a person who has been caught in a crime and on parole. He will act better for a while because he doesn't want to go to jail and is being monitored but he hasn't changed inside and will eventually go through the same patterns.
Your husband's character is weak and yes he is immature and selfish/entitled.
He is upset that he got caught, not because he feels remorseful. If he can continue cheating on you and get a way with it he obviously will.
A remorseful spouse seeks help to change on his/her own and is accountable and radically honest to the spouse that they hurt.
They do whatever it takes to help the spouse heal and understand the pain they are going through because they are trying to develop the empathy they so lack in themselves.
Your husband is doing none of those things and is simply putting on an act and hopes you will just forget about this and move on. Just pleasing the parole officer for now until he is no longer under surveillance.
As such, the lack of empathy and selfishness is very apparent because he doesn't even want to fathom the sheer destruction he has caused you emotionally. He would rather not have to own up to his character flaws and actions than help you heal
It's all about him getting out of jail and getting his family back to the way he likes it.
Selfish people don't deal with shame well because they already know how crappy they are. They don't want others to see it as well..
People with self worth don't need the attention and admiration that contributes the drive to have affairs. They also don't carry around the same level of shame because their identity isn't radically different than the person they are displaying to the public.
Self centered people who need constant external validation are empty shells of people who survive on the drug of validation to sustain their fragile egos.
It's always best to work out the marriage if there are young kids involved, but the caveat is that the adulterous spouse takes all the initiative to make it happen.
It appears that you have little to work with here. He needs to see his own therapist and address his problems if anything is going to change.
My H behaved the same way, but then he was still cheating and being sneakier than ever. I'd check up on your H, if I were you.
However, this is about what our relationship can look like now and what I have to do relative to what I am working with. I have one older friend who has been through a lot and who is all about compassionate kindness. This person knows my spouse well, and thinks he went through some sort of crisis ( he has several from which you could pick) and dealt with it this utterly horrible way. This person believes there is a way to assert boundaries while still being loving/forgiving and that he's already growing from this but just not very fast. I have another friend who thinks I should be protecting myself from further harm, can do better, etc. if he doesn't follow all the textbook steps of remorse in all the adultery recovery books.
What I do know is that I need to be more certain if I file for separation, Thanks for listening as I try to figure this out. Maybe I need more data by watching his behavior.
The question is whether he is safe to be with and committed to change.
Separation is a tool to set your boundaries and expectations and puts the ball in his court. He then has to take on the onus of complying or leaving.
At this time he is just bidding time in hopes that you will change your view of him with superficial gestures so that he doesn't have to do the hard, slow, painful work necessary to change himself and help you heal.
At a certain point accepting his half measures starts enabling him to continue down the path he has been his entire life.
He may have had several crises, but who hasn't. Difficult times in life do not cause affairs, it just reveals the inner character of a person and tests the strength of their moral fibre. Our true selves are revealed not in times of plenty but in times of poverty.
The good news is that we can actually talk about the affair as something that happened for sure, rather than him continuing to gaslight or blameshift. Maybe it's not saying much, because I've been firm in saying I know for sure and he knows I'll walk if that denial continues. We switched marital counselors, although there is a very slow build up to addressing the affair in counseling. He's the one who raised the affair at the outset with this new counsellor (vs. the first one with whom he outright denied the affair & got mad at me for raising it as an issue), but we are working on conflict resolution first with the affair. Then our biggest conflict we can work out in the office is the affair, with our counselor's help. I'm actually ok with this as my husband has practically zero conflict repair skills and he's now investing in taking responsibility like a grown up as I've never seen before in our whole time together.
Here's my current thought, though. Could too much of my marriage be haunted by the affair partner for this to be saved? My husband has been comparing me to her for over 10 years in ways that has expressed itself in irritability, lack of care, and sometimes anger that gets directed at me (just short of verbal abuse). This has turned around 180 degrees since my full d-day and he's so much more caring, respectful, kind, loving, sexually attentive, etc. and he's cut off physical contact with her.
My main focus now I think needs to be that he does the "no contact" phone call to her with me in the room, block her from everything, pay money to our cell phone service to block her at that level, etc. and make him come up with a plan for full transparency of email / phone / computer. Honestly even just the no contact call is enough for me. She's already upset/feeling used/angry he's working on his marriage and having crazy tons of sex with me (she's like a teenage girl posting playlists about this on Spotify) so this would go a long way in ensuring there isn't just backburnering going on. When they dated when they were young, she cheated on him and broke his heart. So maybe this will help to fill any wound from that by now.
Sorry this is so long. Any suggestions about no contact scripts or strategies for blocking are welcome. And of course I'm prepared to walk way if he can't agree to this or gives me a lot of pushback. That would just be ridiculous.
Yes, block her at the cell phone carrier level. Worth it for your peace of mind. All phones, tablets, computers, devices of his should be unlocked. All passwords given to you.
Just remember some cheaters go further underground with burner phones, hidden messenger or chat apps. Not saying this is the case with your CH, but be aware. Set a time limit in your mind with how long you are willing to play Marriage Police. Checking often in the beginning stages is smart and understandable. A lifetime of checking is detrimental to your own wellbeing.
Remember during counseling that marital problems do not cause cheating. It sounds like you have a better therapist now and stronger boundaries for yourself. Excellent progress! Good luck to you!
If you know someone is outside your door who is trying to get in and hurt you., there is no one who opens the door or parleys with them. You would double lock the door.
In terms of staying with him with the affair hanging in the background that is something that you have to decide for yourself.
Age, children, finances, your ability to forgive are all factors that you have weigh in but the most important and vital factor is if you believe he is truly reforming and doing everything possible to prove that he is changing and helping you heal.
Without that aspect all other factors don't matter because it won't work out. In the end it has to be worth it for you, because you are embarking on a new relationship not repair one that has already died.
Dear (insert skanks name here)
I have been in the relationship fog for way too long. I have finally come to my senses and realize what I have at home. Home is where I’d rather be. This letter is to tell you there will be no contact anymore between the two of us. No social media no texting no emails no phone calls… Do not try to troll my social media because I will no longer have social media do not harass my wife do not harass my family! My wife has suffered way too long. I need to be the best husband to her I can because she deserves it I only hope I can I can be the husband that she needs, because she is been a loving and supportive wife and didn’t deserve the crap I put her through.
(Cheating Husbands Name)
Don’t put a returned address on this...
My friend did one better... she informed all of the AP’s neighbors what she was up to (for 10 yrs) that the man that was at her home every day for 10 years was someone else’s husband!
suffer for it. It will eat you up on the inside alive- even on days when you feel you are strong enough to deal with it and sweep it under the carpet.It will
rottening away your insides- this is a warning. Hugs