Everyone handles it differently and no one would blame you for putting in an extra year to try to get things back on track. After all, marriage has it's ups, downs and is lots of work-quitting isn't part of it's definition. Once I learned my ex had a bf I offered to do anything-even up to taking all the blame or allowing her to make up stories to save face as long as it got us back on track...but she had to break it off. She refused to. I had a lot of hurt and rejection to work through. I missed her so much for so long until I learned more of her story: many more affairs, poor choices, unhealthy friendships, etc. Since the divorce she's had endless boyfriends, racked up incredible debt, constantly moves, lost her kids, etc. Like you I finally hit a pivotal point where she no longer mattered. Best of all I realized it's not her that I miss but rather the experience of a great relationship-something I can possible have back again someday and maybe even something much better with all I've learned. When we realize we already have the tools within us and how little the ex gave to the relationship it becomes clear what we really want we really CAN have again. It gives me great hope.

I our society it is easier to get married than divorce. Follow through with the divorce. Worst case senerio is he turns himself around and become the honest person you fell in love with and you get remarried.. I know probably a better chance that he’ll will freeze over.

I was by no means overweight- in fact I am an endurance cyclist but still lost 10 lbs, got very lean, started doing more of his hobbies, ramped and spiced up our sex life- doing all this crap to please him- and he did virtually nothing to win back my trust. In fact, he spent more time making me feel guilty that I did not trust him and was wrong to demand access to his phone and social media.

I think you are right- I will not miss him, but I will miss the companionship and the things early on that made us good. I don’t know this man now, and he is certainly not the man I married. I’d rather be alone and hope that I can find someone special someday. As the song by Yes says- Owner of a lonely heart (much better than an owner of a broken heart).. The broken heart part is over. Ready to feel joy in my life again- a thing I have not felt for a few years.

Your husband was always this way. He built a façade of who he wanted to present to the world and those around him.

He never became the person you thought you married and never will.

Don't beat yourself up about wasting the year. He was a master manipulator and you probably had to work through your own codependency issues.

Just make sure those are taken care of so that you can go into the next relationship a stronger person who will not be attracted to, attract or enable these selfish/weak types.

It is strange you sent this because I woke up this morning (and yes, I slept like a baby the whole night- not losing any more sleep over that loser) and was sad to realize that he must have always been that way and I was bamboozled the whole marriage. You do not go from a loyal and honest person and suddenly morph into a cheater and liar. I never suspected in the past, but he must have been better at hiding it and as he began to dislike me, perhaps he just did not care if he got caught. I will never know but I do not care about the past. He is who he is now and I do not want him. Yes, I am going to spend the time spotting the next cheater and liar before I get drawn in. I think I am pretty astute now, having lived and learned the hard way.

Many people want to do everything they can to give their cheater the benefit of possible change. You are not alone in this. The hard fact is that only a tiny fraction of cheaters can and want to do the hard work to change who they are inside.

You are correct. He didn't flip a switch overnight. He has been hiding from you who he really is underneath all this time. My cheater hid from me who he really was for over 30 years and only acknowledged to himself what a toxic wasteland he is inside after a year and a half of intensive individual therapy. For most cheaters thats way too hard and introspective when there is the thrilling, distracting prospect of strange around every corner. Most take the easy way out.

Glad you have decided what is best for YOU! Keep learning about the disordered so you have better spidey senses and firm boundaries in the future. None of us is happy to have been chumped. But here we are.

I have been spending a good amount of time learning about narcissism and read the book by the chump lady- which in my opinion was the bast book I have read on the matter.

Perhaps our own ego gets in the way too, thinking - how can he not appreciate and love me- he will see the light- right? I was holding on to this and when I saw even a dim glimmer of hope, I gave him another chance he did not deserve.

He will no doubt resume the affair with the homewrecker who also left her husband and is a cheater. They deserve each other. He is already not loyal to her- as he is messaging another woman on social media and reconnencting with an old girlfriend before me on social media. She can have that souless loser! I will enjoy watching the eventual fallout that will come.