Feeling deflated and sick to my stomach is something that I have been feeling lately upon waking. Although I eventually come out of the rut by mid day it's a daily reoccurring feeling. I'm sitting here watching "THE BABY STORY" and watching what is one of the most AMAZING experiences and one of the GREATEST gifts GOD bestowed upon us as humans. watching PARENTS anticipating the birth of their new baby, happy, loving individuals. We were like that ONCE. I have no idea what happened. But one thing I do know is I DESPISE HIM! And I feel this way and REFUSE any form of contact with him under any circumstances. He stripped me of my happiness and being able to fully enjoy the first few months of my son's life. THE SON HE BEGGED FOR. That is what I think bothers me most. He literally begged me to have his child. I wasn't taking no for an answer. I was a constant tug of war regarding the subject, yet now that he's a father. He morally checked out. WTH!!! Although I love my son like I've never loved another GOD knows I wouldn't have chosen to do this alone. What REALLY REALLY hurts is Knowing if I wanted to pick up the phone to call him, I could..YET I REFUSE. If I wanted him to come back home all I have to do is tell him, YET I REFUSE. Why should I? Why would I? THAT is a pain so unexplainable. If I had to describe it the only way I envision it is..I'm deaf nor can I speak..he's deaf nor can he speak....I see him..he's on the other side of some train tracks...there is clear glass that separates us...I see him...he doesn't see me. The desire to call out to him is there..YET I CANNOT....the desire to reach out and get his attention is there YET I CANNOT...it's as if I'm immobilized. Or it can be described as being a vampire hiding in a cave during the day, yet you want so badly to go out into the sun, explore the world, YET YOU CANNOT. I love him, YET he couldn't have loved me the same IF he loved me at all. I feel like he went far BEYOND what was necessary if he wanted out of the relationship. He destroyed ALL the respect I had for him with the callous and demeaning actions that he boldly displayed. A friend of both of us made this statement an it kinda pissed me off and I haven't spoken to him since either. He said, "So, is that what matters what people think because of what they saw him do or heard him say. Now most times I really don't care what people THINK cause my life is my life. YET..this isn't the same. He demoralized me as a person and a mother around strangers yes, but I have to reside here, I have to deal with the weird/pitiful looks from neighbors when they see me struggling to carry a 25 lb infant, toys, diaper bag, seat, handbag, phone, etc down 3 flights of stairs ALONE. Oh and just the other day the chick he cheated with was sitting in her LIVE-IN boyfriends car on the passenger side with her feet hanging out bouncing her son on her lap, while his FATHER was standing on the driver side folding baby blankets and conversing with her. Their family and life proceeding along AS IF NOTHING EVER HAPPENED and here I go sad, hurt, angry having to walk past them WITH MY NEW BABY WITHOUT THE FATHER. TO SAY THAT IT ENRAGES ME is and UNDERSTATEMENT. He's gone doing GOD knows what and I'm still here with all the TRIGGERS....IT PISSES ME THE FLIP OFF and I'm ANGRY and CRYING at the same time. I constantly say to people...THANK GOD THERE ARE LAWS AND I LOVE MY CHILDREN....I could seriously KILL HIM and not even BLINK AFTERWARD....I'm going to go pray cause that's a hate I have never felt and I know it's not good. What a screwed up thing to do to someone who just gave birth to his first child.