For me in my situation, I wanted to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But after months of marriage counseling, I realize that I may never know the whole truth. It doesn't mean I'm okay with that, but I've accepted it. And when he tells me something about the incident, it's hard to know whether or not I can believe him because of the months and months of lies that led up to D-day for me. I threw my own judgement out the window because no one wants to really believe that their significant other could ever do something like that to them. So it's taking me a long time to relearn how to trust myself. I have to relearn how to trust my own judgement. But for me, yes I had to know all the details. I wanted dates, places, witnesses, everything. And there are still things that he is holding back and won't tell me. I know that. We are still working through things right now and it's been almost a year. I wish you the best of luck. But just remember that if you hunt for the details, you have to live with the details and the erratic thoughts afterwards.

As a BS, I'd want to know the truth. I"m male, but I think in that regard there isn't much difference between men and women. Most don't want to live a lie. Even if it hurts, we'd rather know the truth.

On knowing the details, there is a certain level of details most BSs will need. http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2013/10/narrative-reconstruction.html

But others that hurt more than help.

Though I'm a man, I've not cheated. So I can't from experience answer your second question. I can say that some, like my wife, tend to be pretty open about discussing the details. But it does seem like more men than women tend to clam up about the details. Potentially from the male tendency of "fight or flight." If they are at a loss how to fix it, they run/hide from it.

I want to know all the details because this is also my life. I don't think it right to put someone at risk because YOU have some selfish itch you need to scratch. The cheater goes out and do what they WANT (not need) to do and then when found out they want you to except the fact that they they exposed you to pain, lies, possible stds, possible babies, and the will of another person possibility two other people if the person they cheated on you with has a spouse/significant other.

If they decide to go ballistic and I'm home with my babies baking cookies and they show up at my door, now what? This happened to one of my daughters friends. That is how this little girl mom found out her husband was having an affair the lady showed up.

Cheaters always want to claim that the person they cheated with would never harm them. How do you know what a person will do. Most people don't know what they will do when they reach their breaking point, how could they promise you anything? I also find it strange that they think the person they are cheating with is so great. Just reverse that and if your mate did the same would you stand there saying, aww my mate is awesome.

This is what cheaters subject their spouse to and more. Yet you want to keep MORE secrets and let me stay in the dark once I find out? I focused more on I wonder what happened and how far did it go than on healing. If he had just told me and then I could be like okay I know, now I can make my decision based on the facts.

Out of the blue a few days ago my daughter told us to promise her that we will always be together that we will not divorce. Sadly, I couldn't even fake that promise. One thing I can't handle is if we don't make it I have to look at her and hear, "but you promised". My kids are at a very delicate stage and they have shown some traits that I KNOW a divorce will hurt them. People always say kids are resilient and they will get over it. Yeah they may but a lot of them don't get over it the easy way. All because you want someone else besides your wife/husband and a lot of the people having the affair KNOW flat out that they don't want the person (as in willing to leave their marriage/relationship) they are willing to throw everything way for, crazy.

The fact that I KNOW my husband is still hiding something months later has hinder my/our healing. It has made trusting him impossible. Now I'm just depending on me and what I want and what I can take. Once I reach MY limit and I feel the cons of being married to him has started to out weigh the pros...I'm done.

for me, i wanted to know many of the details, to help me process what had happened. i wanted to know the truth of what led him to being in these situations. but the more time went on, the more i began to realize that he wasnt ever going to tell me the whole truth to what i asked. he only told me the bare minimum, and/or what he thought would keep him out of more trouble. he could say all he wanted "i didnt want to hurt you." but i dont believe that anymore. not when he said it, not when others here say their CS said it. they lie, tell half-truths, and mislead, all out of self preservation.
also, i think the question should be, "betrayed spouses, if your spouse cheated on you, would you have to know the truth or would you rather not know?" and "cheating spouses, if you cheated, would you open up?" because, men AND women cheat. and men AND women can be betrayed. and people in same-sex couples can cheat/be cheated on. i think the midset of the CS is very similar from case to case, regardless of the gender. and the pain the BS goes through is very similar too, regardless of the gender. just sayin.

I wAnt to know the breadth and depth if the betrayal and if their were others as of yet unknown.
I am not a cheater , not unfaithful , not a betrayer so ... I have no practical experience

I wanted to know everything the OW knew. I didn't want her to have any secrets from me. I considered it all stolen time, and a crime that had to be solved before I could move on. My H also spent a lot of time initially trying to minimize and blame shift and it made me more determined to know everything.

if i cheated, i would answer any questions my partner had and then i would leave. we wouldn't get back together and i would not try and be her friend. i would be a good co-parent, if we had kids, but that's it.

if someone cheats on me i expect them to leave.

I wanted the truth. Both of my ex-husbands cheated on me. And denied it when they were discovered. The lies were incredible. Their "truth" was just a thin layer of gloss over a big, nasty ball of deceit. The truth has a habit of coming out, though. I'm mad at myself for wasting a huge chunk of time trying to find out their truth. Their lack of conscience prevented them from feeling remorseful, though they said "sorry I hurt you." The bad thing for me about seeking the truth, is it becomes obsessive.

The honesty and revealing of details, the openness and discussion of buried thoughts and emotions is a huge part of what helps my husband and I to recover.

I needed truths to heal the lies.

I also needed him to know that being open and honest wouldn't necessarily make me /happy/ but it would earn my respect and trust and give us the chance to world things through together instead of independently making own own choices to the detriment of our marriage.

He didn't often outright lie after discovery but he did "trickle truth" which was maddening. As has been mentioned, I will never get the "full truth". There were parts he forgot, parts he didn't think were important enough to share and parts I never thought to ask about - but I have gotten enough honesty and openness and enough of the truth to rebuild a more accurate picture of our history, instead of a history that he let me believe or that I had deluded myself with.

This was essential to healing our marriage for me.

Don't think it was easy for my husband or that it came natural. He had spent so long lying and (in his mind) "protecting" those around him (namely himself, right?) that just throwing his weiner on the table (metaphorically) and saying, "OK here it is," was so counter intuitive it made him physically ill. He would sometimes actually throw up after revealing details or telling the truth about lies he had told.

Things are better. He is a lot more likely to be open now through practice - even with hard stuff - but I still see him crawling into his man shell now and then.

I wanted to know absolutely everything... every word, every action, how she felt while it was happening. But cheaters lie, and while searching for the truth you usually find more lies, and by the time it is done, even if they do tell you the truth you will doubt it is the truth. If they say it wasn't physical you will always wonder. If it was physical, then you'll wonder if you know everything they did. If they tell you everything they did, you'll wonder what they are hiding. I didn't find peace until I came to the conclusion that I would never know everything and what I didn't know was probably for the better. I liked to tell myself that I was basing my "stay or go" decision on the details, but the reality is that either you want to work it out or you want to quit.

That being said, I think people have the right to know the depth of betrayal.