I have known my wife for 11 years, we dated for about 2 years and we were each other’s perfect match. Before we got married she said “I have cold feet”, I should have listened more closely.
While I was getting my Bachelors degree, I became attracted to my project female partner, which lead me to forget my wife’s birthday but I took my wife out of town instead of spending a whole day presenting the project in front of the school. I didn’t trust myself and removed myself from the situation. I have kept my vow “forsake all others” since we got married 9 years ago.
My wife had two affairs, one 8 years ago and another one 7 years ago (a year and two years after we got married). Basically, the first 3 years of our marriage were not taken seriously by her. I found out about the 2 affairs, and confronted her. Initially she looked me in the eyes and lied to me, when presented with proof and photos obtained from her phone while she was having surgery, there was no more hiding. She claims they were not sexual, which I can’t trust.
We went to infidelity therapy for a few months and were told by the therapist we should get a divorce since my wife had different priorities (her career and goals). Against that advice, we decided to give the relationship a chance.
While recovering from the pain from her infidelity, 6 months later she got sick and shortly stopped working. So I went from dealing with the situation, and getting my bachelor’s degree and working a full time job, to taking care of her, the house, and not myself.
She was really sick for over 4 years, and hasn’t worked for the past 6 years.
It has taken me a lot of time to trust her again enough to be able to travel, 2 years ago I was able to travel and be comfortable.
I thought I had forgiven her and moved beyond the hurt and pain. September last year, I met with my ex-wife (my wife knew about it), since I had to say I was sorry and ask for forgiveness on how I ended that relationship. My first wife was 9 years older than me, we were married for only a few months. I basically left her for my current wife.
Part of me endured all the pain over the past 6 years as atonement for what I had done to my first wife, I felt that I deserved it. When I met with my ex-wife last year, I just wanted to make sure she was happy in life, if she was happy then my life could go on, knowing she was better off without me. Now she is married and has 2 kids, I wasn’t ready for kids 12 years ago.
My ex-wife’s life is actually a lot worse, and she has clinical depression and has suffered a lot. That threw me for a loop, and instead of getting closure, all the boxed-away feelings came flowing back. I shared with my wife my feelings, and it was been an emotional rollercoaster since.
My wife and I have both been to therapy together and separate since last year, and while initially I had told her that my ex-wife was “the love of my life”, I now realize that all my anger, mistrust, and trauma from my current wife’s infidelities (7 and 8 years ago).
My love for my wife has been diminishing over the past few years, and the romantic husband I once was, is no longer here. I became emotionally unavailable, with severe depression (which due to making me extremely exhausted over the past 3 years, I thought it was something else), and I have been waiting/expecting/fearing a third instance of an infidelity event.
Sorry about the long story, this is a very summarized version of it.
I am now at the point where I do not want to stay married if there will be a 3rd infidelity instance, but also do not want to get divorced. While I kept the trauma locked away, PTSD symptoms have been here all along), we have shared a lot together. She would be a great wife to someone she hasn’t hurt, right now our past gets in the way of our future.
I can’t trust that a 3rd infidelity incident won’t happy, so in order to protect myself, leaving the relationship is the only way. If I stay, and a 3rd time happens, I won’t forgive myself for that. I am still working on all the issues associated with the first two times.
All I want is peace, so I have been listening to useful audible books related to healing from infidelity.