I honestly feel exactly the same way. I also found out in October. It's the most exhausting process in the world. For me I don't think the "dust has settled", but we're moving in a direction. My decision wad to wait 6 months. Who knows though. If you're miserable and want to call it a day, then that choice I yours. No one would blame you for walking away. Big hugs and good luck.

I don't think 2 months is enough time to think clearly again, but everyone is different.

I think it also depends on how the cheating spouse is acting and the circumstances of the affair.

Is he open/repentant?
Is he still in contact with the OW?
Are there kids involved with you or her?

Sometimes you know that it isn't going to work out, but when you aren't sure you need to wait it out to get your thoughts together and watch your cheating spouse's path.

I know for myself that I will NEVER get over the betrayal. It's disgusting to me. Who the fuck sleeps with their counselor?!? I asked him to get help with symptoms of PTSD and he had an affair with her!
He has been repentant, remorseful and open since the news broke. However, it's not enough for me. Too late. The damage is done.
What sucks the most are the upcoming holidays and how we have to navigate through the chaos while putting on a happy face for the family. I will wait until after the holidays to make a decision. A marriage/family therapist once told me that sometimes it's better for kids to COME from a broken home rather than LIVE in one. Is there truth to that statement?

And the struggle continues. One day at a time, right?

The situation is that the best case scenario a healthy mom and dad living together and modeling a health relationship for the kid to follow and a healthy environment to grown in.

Take the situation where one spouse lies/cheats/betrays etc.

IF, being the key word, the cheating spouse repents, truly changes and becomes a healthy person, and the betray spouse shows grace and forgiveness + reconciliation, things can be redeemed to a degree. This can teach the kid self respect, forgiveness, the love of the parents for the kid etc. and still live in a stable environment.

In the case where the cheating spouse continues to be unrepentant, abusive, and doesn't get kicked out, the child learns that either it is ok to behave that way or that they should endure this type of abuse.

In the case where the cheating spouse continues to be unrepentant, abusive, and does get kicked out, the child learns that the betrayed spouse has self respect and doesn't tolerate immoral people in his/her life. Sucks that it will be a single parent household but at least it is better than the second scenario. The kid will likely come to respect the betrayed parent quite a bit for the sacrifices made once they get older and are able to understand the situation.

Please tell me you report his therapist to the proper authorities? She needs to lose her license. It took a long time to get to a point that I don’t think about it every day. I took baby steps. I gave it : 3 months, 6 months ect... if I didn’t see change it was over. It took about 3 months for him to actually see the damage he did from my side. He kept saying, “it’s over, it’s in the past, let’s put it behind us and move on” ha! It was his past but it was my present! He figures since he was caught and wasn’t in contact with the OW. I should get over it.
There are few book I recommend to CS. But “how to help your spouse heal from your affair” by Linda MacDonald was his ah ha moment.
Good luck.. we are now in a really good place, it has been 3 years. Our marriage is better in some ways than it was pre affair. But I miss the blind trust. That will never happen again.

I was told to give it 3 months minimum for dust to settle. I found at 3 months things started to settle but would say now at 5 months I still have anger fits. So I think it sure is different for everyone. If you want I would say give it anothet month at least. 2 months is indeed still vety much in the anger phase. That said though. You and only you decide wheb enough is enough. If u don't feel it anymore. If u can't love him at all. If he's not open and honest. If u re ur better off without him. By all means no-one forces you to stay a certain time. Don't feel you "owe" him a certain time. You only owe urself ur honesty at this point. No one will blame you for walking away so don't feel bad if you do after 2 instead of 3 months. Hugs hope things get better for you soon

I'm sorry you are going though this. YOU get to decide when/if enough is enough. If you've already had enough, then you are not required to continue to be hurt on a daily basis by waiting out an arbitrary clock. If you're not sure, then keep setting small timelines as suggested above, a couple of months at a time and reassessing along the way, and with firm dealbreakers in place.

My husband and I discussed divorce last night. He agrees this is a life of misery he's created for both of us. He sees that I've changed from the carefree, optimistic wife and mother to a scornful woman. We both don't know who the other is. And I think that's the problem- that we're not the same people who fell in love with each other 17 years ago. But he is still determined to make it work. I just don't see it happening. Maybe I've become too hardened by this experience. I know it's irrational, but I'm looking for something, anything to happen that will jumpstart my well-being. I've always been in control of my life but now I can't get a grip and I need some certainty . Seeing a therapist is fine, but more days than not, I feel like it's futile. Almost 2 months later and I'm still livid as ever.
After our conversations last night and today, I've decided to give it more time. If we didn't have kids, I doubt I'd still be here.

@calirn13, I did report her to the proper authorities. Contacted the organization she works for as well as the board of behavioral health. She was released from her position, and I'm guessing lost some credentials as well. (That makes me smile inside.)

As much as everyone will tell you don't stay for the kids. I really understand ur current choice. I too initially stayed for our 16 month old son. Of course over time more gas to grow back tgan just a child bonding you. As it's just the 2 of you once the kids move out. But 2 months in I sure felt no other reason for staying than my kid and trying for him. I'm now 5 months. We are laughing again together and therapy is going well. I still have days where we have talking sessions at home and I just get mad. That will stay for a while. But I think I can safely tell you that I'm not as mad as at 2 months buy I'm still not sure if there's enough left between us.
Maybe you 2 can take a little time apart after Christmas. Sometimes that helps to see if you feel better alone or together. Hugs

I think we're having a mirrored experience. We too discussed divorce at our last therapy session. It makes me wonder if this is part of the process? I was seeking that answer a while ago. While I know its not linear, there must be stages right? I know how you feel about changing as a person. That's actually one of the things that bothers me the most. I hate on so many levels that I will never be able to blindly trust him ever again. I had a glimmer months before I knew definitively and I chose to look the other way, one because I wasn't ready to see it, and two because of my blind faith and trust in him. Being jaded makes me so angry. I know I'll never be the same. And for that reason, I'm not sure if I can be with my cheater.

I sometimes think about it too even though she has really grown in the last 1.5 years.

However, again there is a kid involved and I find that it is easier to stay with her given her changes and the fact I want the best environment for my kid.

If we didn't have a kid I'd probably start over since there would be may not be enough reason to stay, but I can't be sure.

I'd say I'm here because of our kid AND the fact that she has been on track in everything she is supposed to do as a reforming cheater.

For those who have cheaters who won't be open/honest and aren't doing everything they can to grow and redeem themselves.....I wouldn't argue that divorce is something that should be considered.

However, even if they are repentant and you don't want to forgive and reconcile that is your decision to make. In reality they already ended the marriage with their adultery, you didn't want to start a new one with them for good reason.

What is it about October? I also found out my husband cheated on me then also. (Hate to say it but my previous husband did the same and I found out in October then also) 25 years later, here I am with another cheater. I think 2 months is too soon to make a decision, especially if you have children, which we do not. I always said if it happened to me again, it would be over. However, I'm 62 years old and things are different for me. I may still divorce him but I am still trying to figure things out. The lying about the details are the part that makes me wonder if trying to work things out is worth it. If he lies about this, what else hasn't he been honest about. He travels with his job so it would be very easy for him to do it again. THIS TIME the woman contacted me (our ex sister in law) and told me everything. Obviously she is trying to break us up but either way he could do it again.

Oh I can't imagine living through this nightmare TWICE. I am so sorry for your situation. When it occurred the first time, what did you do to make it through the despair? I'm looking for a light at the end of this darkness.

That advice is not always the best. Waiting can give the cheating spouse time to hide assets and plan to completely stick it to you in the divorce. Counselors wrongly seem to think that everyone is telling them the truth. If you feel your spouse is really trying, that's one thing (and please be financially vigilant even if you think he/she is trying) but if your spouse seems to be half-hearted, then try to make the marriage work but watch your finances and watch your back. He (or she) stabbed you in the back once - it can happen again in a different way. I am not speaking from my own experience as much as I am speaking from having seen it over and over in my job.