Looks like today is a pretty significant day for a lot of us. Five years ago today I found absolute proof my H was having an A. No more denial for me!

Your H's pattern was the same for my H, except he was screwing a co-worker.

I think his grief is just an excuse. I do not want to dismiss the pain of losing a child, but how long is one going to mourn? He needs to go to grief counseling.

If I were you I would have a talk with him. First though I'd get my ducks in a row. I'd see a lawyer, make some decisions. I would just tell him that things needs to change between you, you need him, you want physical and emotional intimacy with him. If he doesn't want the same, he needs to let you know so you can decide what to do with the rest of your life.

That's it. If he is not willing to invest in your marriage, it's time to end it. You deserve more. He needs to invest in you. No more self-pity. It's toxic.

Storm is right about talking with him to see if he wants/is able to meet your needs as a spouse. If he can't/won't then the next question is what can you/can't you tolerate. And even if you are willing to tolerate a certain degree of him treating you as less than an equal partner, should you? It doesn't sound healthy for you. I'm really sorry for your family's loss.

He definitely needs counseling. My parents lost a child and it will affect him for the rest of his life, but he won't change this behavior without wanting to do it for himself and your marriage.

Thank you all for your feedback and support. We have had extensive therapy over the past year or more and he finally admitted he is struggling with depression. Although I am compassionate and empathize with his pain, I still have my own emotional and physical needs that are not being met. Our life has been such a struggle for the past 6 years.... I am tired but conflicted about giving up on him; however, I do understand that I have the power to change my situation. Grateful for your comments.

Storm, please don't let me think that I just read that you said, "I think his grief is an excuse and no more self pity. How long is he going to mourn?". My wish for you Storm is that you never experience the horror and devastation planning a funeral and burying your own child. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I can assure you 6, 16, or 26 years is not enough to 'get over' the loss of a child. It is something that stays with you forever.

Healme, I'm sure you have heard from your therapist and have read, as it well documented, that in extreme grief, which sudden loss of a child is profound, can cause one to engage in risk taking or unsatisfying, self harming behavior. It sounds like from the infidelity piece, its been over for a year and a half, but his feelings of profound loss still grapple him.
It IS very complex on how and why people choose what they do to and how they cope. Yes, infidelity can stem from depression and the loss of a child can certainly contribute to that.
Depression can be life long.
If you have had extensive therapy and his behaviors aren't improving, it may be time to get another therapist or make different choices. If the one you are seeing now does not specialize in grief, for both your benefits, you should consider that.

It is real that many marriages don't survive the loss of a child. Again, it is something you never get over.....you just learn different ways to adjust, to cope, and continue to move forward.

And it sounds like he has changed his cheating behavior if its been a year and a half.......right?.....its the other effects he seems he can't cope with. Its all very common unfortunately, but a good grief counselor or therapist specializing in grief and PTSD should be able to help.

Thank you for clarifying complicated grief Shoretimenow. I appreciate all that you have said and agree that we will never "get over" or "forget" the pain of losing a child. However, I also agree that he has a lot of work to do to keep his head above water and learn how to cope. That is my dilemma... I recognize the daily challenge for him and although I want to be patient and supportive I am learning how to set some emotional boundaries so that I can live a life filled with love and hope again... Thank you again for your insight and perspective. For the record... I don't believe he used his grief as an excuse for his affairs... I was aware of why he was acting out way before he was... he has learned a great deal about himself through the therapeutic process.

I'm sorry for your loss. It is OK to feel that acting on needs and desires even while in a relationship that's not intimate is wrong. It's the loyalty in you. But you wouldnt be out of line if you found fufillment elswhere. You say he hasn't had an affair for 1.5 years, but havnt been intimate with each other... does that mean there's a possibility for you two to be whole again? If there is, beautiful. But if you have the means to move on with your life, you can't let his devastating loss overshadow what's best for you. Maybe he'd appreciate your support more as a friend.