"I am wondering if anyone feels that they love there spouse as much after dealing with an affair as they did before knowing? "

No I don't and I probably never will. My husband is not the same man he was before the affair. I mean yeah he is still a great father, he still treats me well and does all he can for us. But that is just who he is before, during and now after the affair. I know now there is a stranger simmering under the surface. I know what he is capable of he is not the same person so I can't love him the same as before. I'm trying to love the person he is now as best I can. He is hurt by this but like you, how do I know, the next time you are feeling unhappy you won't try this again. I don't and says it will never happen but he said that before too, he would never cheat. I'm not living in what ifs, I'm just living in my reality. I'm not sitting around waiting for the next time but I do have a sort of escape plan for next time, if there is one. He is on borrowed trust and so far (from what I know), there has been no conversations, visits, calls, text nothing. That's what I have to go on and I take it day by day.

How long did it take you all the ones that stayed in the marriage to feel you loved your spouse unconditionally again?

It's been almost a year for my dday. I won't love him unconditionally because well, there are conditions and those came in because of his cheating. Before there was a clean slate, we don't have a dry erase board anymore as far as cheating is concerned. Everything is in permanent markers so see, there are conditions.

I just had to keep telling myself live for now, don't dwell on it. If you say you are moving on with him, move on. I hype myself up with this chat it use to be everyday, now it's like a couple times a week. I'm getting much better since I just let it go. I know the facts I know, he knows the rules and the consequences so we just take it from there. I feel better knowing a plan now instead if getting such a huge shock with no plan.

You already know my story on that, I think. I trust my wife and we have a strong love for one another. While I'm a bit unique, it isn't so much in that department, but that it was exceptionally quick. How quick? Acceptance came at around 9 months after dday. But felling like life had returned to "normal" happened somewhere between years 2 and 3.

If it wasn't for staying on this forum and having written a book on what happened, I'd probably not even be thinking about this very often by now. Oh, it is always in the back of your mind, just not the focus of my life like it was during the first two years.

This has only happened because my wife did everything (mostly, there were two or three hiccups in the first month) right and mostly has continued that since, giving me no reason to fear she'll return to the pig pen.

Could she? Sure, I now know that is a possibility. But I now know that is a possibility with anyone, not just her. So you may need to clarify the following:

"How long did it take everyone who left the marriage or ended up separating to feel like you could love another unconditionally? "

First, to love someone "unconditionally" is a tall order. It means, no matter what they do, you will love them. Even if they cheat on you.

What it doesn't mean to me is that I will necessarily enable destructive behaviors.

So I can say I love my wife unconditionally. The affair didn't change that. If it had, then it isn't unconditional love. But if she hadn't stopped, or tomorrow I discovered she was seeing the OM (or anyone else) again and cheating again, within an appropriate amount of time, I'd be out the door and divorce papers would be served. But I would still love her. Even if I were to remarry, I'd still love her unconditionally. I simply would refuse to be a party to her destructive behavior, both to be affected by it and to enable it. Because I love her, I'd leave.

I have every reason to believe that is unlikely to happen now, but for the first two years, especially the first, I was reactive to anything that even appeared to be a problem.

But I came to this attitude. What we had was good. What we have and are rebuilding to is also good in many ways. If she cheats on me again, she cheats. But if she does, I'm much more attuned to my gut. I will be sensitive to any red flags, unlike the first time. If she cheats, it is because she decided to end a good thing. I'll be gravely disappointed, and will grieve again, but I'm unlikely to trust again enough to have a marital relationship with her. If what we've done doesn't stick, I honestly wouldn't know what would fix this.

But for now, I'll enjoy what we have and worry about that bridge if we ever attempt to cross it. Life is too short to be living in fear. The major losses, for me, happened the first time and can't be rebuilt or fixed. A second instance would most likely result in the loss of our relationship.

Any new person I would love unconditionally alongside my divorced wife. Not maritally, but in my heart. The new wife would be my one and only marital love. That doesn't mean I'd give that person blind trust anymore than I've not giving it to my wife now. Those days are gone for any relationship.

But I know what you mean. How long did it take after separation for someone to feel comfortable to risk being hurt again in a new relationship. That one, I can't answer, but if I were to guess, knowing myself, if I were in that situation, it would probably take a year or two, if I found someone I felt comfortable with.

I lost a lot of respect for my X after his affair, but mostly because of the lying and effort put into hiding it and maintaining it, versus dealing with our marriage.

Respect and love go hand in hand for me. Once the respect went out the window, so did the "in love".

Do I "love" him? Sure, he's my son's Dad. I love him enough, for our history and our child, that if something bad happened to him, it would be devastating. I may not be married to him, thankfully, but I didn't lose sight of who he was and is in my life, and the importance that role plays.

I don't think you can love a betrayer like you did before the betrayal,
Love is loving someone with eyes wide open and shut
I don't think you can shut your eyes all the way again no matter how much you may hope to

I do think it is possible to reconcile and to love her again,
I think the bigger question is can she?
Can she love you with her eyes shut knowing, well knowing that she mishandled trust
Can she forgive you for whatever shit she held against you as justification for cheating

I am one who eventually left.

The first thing I have to say is that I don't believe adults should do "unconditional" love. Grown ups have boundaries and should honor them and respect others'.

I did not love my ex unconditionally because when he cheated on me, I left him. My 'condition' was that he remain faithful, not beat me, show me respect, etc. I felt pretty comfortable leaving because cheating was a deal breaker for me. It's Ok to have deal breakers and you should never let anyone tell you any different.

I am in a new relationship now and I have pretty much the same 'conditions' I had with my ex so I don't love him unconditionally either. I really don't think there is any such thing to be honest and if there is than you're being a doormat. To me unconditional love means "No matter how badly you treat me, I'll always be there for you"....Yeah, no!

I do however think you have to be open to trust and intimacy and expose your tender under belly to have your relationship work with your CS or someone new. I don't believe you can achieve true intimacy without trust either. I could not trust my ex so it was better for me to leave.

I think what you're feeling is normal. For those that stay, I think you have to just live with the fact that the relationship will be forever changed. You have to learn to live with constant doubt. Even if it's not at the fore front of your brain, it never really goes away. I know this because I stayed for more than 3 years before I asked him for a divorce. I finally needed to be true to myself and get out because I did not want to do those things anymore. You have to decide if you want to. It's OK to not be able to get past it so you shouldn't feel bad about it if that's what you decide.

Good luck

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" "I am wondering if anyone feels that they love there spouse as much after dealing with an affair as they did before knowing? "

I trusted and loved my H with my whole heart and soul. It killed something in me to hear him say that he had an A because he was sure that I "didn't love" him (Prior to his A I had some medical problems) and because of that he decided that he was entitled to a little happiness". He was completely self-absorbed, and resentful of me because of what he thought I was thinking. He didn't come to me with his concerns. He told her and she told him about her "awful" spouse with big crocodile tears running down her face. He had so much empathy for her, and none for me. I don't know how to come back from that. It helps when the betrayer realizes that their own mind set is what lead them astray, but that is so rare. Most, like my H continue to blame shift and try to run away from the truth.

As much or more, yes I have experienced that but, the same? NO! Never the same.