Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Yesterday as I was hugging my H I told him how much I love him as I do many times a day. He said a little sadly, "too bad it wasn't enough." (to stop the A's) I can take those kinds of comments because they are true.
Today as I was working I was thinking about that and it made me feel very very sad. I cried. You see I loved him before, during and after the fog. I probably felt it a little more during than I did before because my libido was so high and we were having a lot of sex and I was clinging to him because he represented security and stability during a time of craziness. I was telling him then that I loved him often and before the fog I didn't tell him that very often. The result of that is that the words have lost some of their value. He knows it is true but there is little security in those words.
While I was working I was thinking that there is not a single thing we had before the fog that was enough to stop the A's. Love was not enough. Our 29 year history was not enough. The fact that we have always felt we had a good marriage and have always gotten along well was not enough. The fact that neither of us had ever been with anyone else and so shared a very special intimacy was not enough. The fact that we have both always had a strong faith was not enough.
Thinking about this made me feel kind of sick and very very sad. I asked myself, well then, what is enough? All I know is that we are doing what we can to make the necessary changes. We are more focused on each other than we have ever been in our marriage. We spend more time together than we have since before we had kids. We are communicating so much more. It was precious little before. We are very much more intimate than we have ever been since our dating days. I am putting a lot of effort into myself spiritually under the intense care of my priest and some friends as well. We have both made many core changes.
Will it be enough? I have to believe it will be. I cannot imagine putting us through this kind of pain and damage again. My insecurities are very very high right now as I feel that what I thought I knew about myself isn't true. I went so far out of character it is unbelievable. I feel gutted. Like only half of me is left and I have to rebuild. I guess that's not so bad. A building that has been badly damaged and gets restored is better than before. I am counting on that because this restoration means everything....everything.
Today as I was working I was thinking about that and it made me feel very very sad. I cried. You see I loved him before, during and after the fog. I probably felt it a little more during than I did before because my libido was so high and we were having a lot of sex and I was clinging to him because he represented security and stability during a time of craziness. I was telling him then that I loved him often and before the fog I didn't tell him that very often. The result of that is that the words have lost some of their value. He knows it is true but there is little security in those words.
While I was working I was thinking that there is not a single thing we had before the fog that was enough to stop the A's. Love was not enough. Our 29 year history was not enough. The fact that we have always felt we had a good marriage and have always gotten along well was not enough. The fact that neither of us had ever been with anyone else and so shared a very special intimacy was not enough. The fact that we have both always had a strong faith was not enough.
Thinking about this made me feel kind of sick and very very sad. I asked myself, well then, what is enough? All I know is that we are doing what we can to make the necessary changes. We are more focused on each other than we have ever been in our marriage. We spend more time together than we have since before we had kids. We are communicating so much more. It was precious little before. We are very much more intimate than we have ever been since our dating days. I am putting a lot of effort into myself spiritually under the intense care of my priest and some friends as well. We have both made many core changes.
Will it be enough? I have to believe it will be. I cannot imagine putting us through this kind of pain and damage again. My insecurities are very very high right now as I feel that what I thought I knew about myself isn't true. I went so far out of character it is unbelievable. I feel gutted. Like only half of me is left and I have to rebuild. I guess that's not so bad. A building that has been badly damaged and gets restored is better than before. I am counting on that because this restoration means everything....everything.
The reason is simple in my opinion, the affair had nothing to do with him or your relationship...it had to do with you.
The issue was you, so nothing the two of you had would have prevented it.
So, in recovery...it's essential to discover the core issues that led you down that path.
I imagine this is just part of the aftermath of an affair. I think it goes both ways. Both parties have ups and downs, good days, and some weak ones. What is doneis done!
If your H forgives you, which it does seem tHat Cole does, the Lord forgives you, and you learn to forgive yourself, then you will be able to overcome these gray feelings. All I can say,is dig deep, try to figure out why yu did it, and deal with it in counseling. Cuz the only scary thing is, if you don't kow why you did it.....is that the fear you are feeling? That it could arise again?
There are many people on this earth who have cheated. Some do it in their younger days, and are remorseful. Some did it, when they didn't know God, intimately. Some did it drunk or high! And some will continue to do it in their ripe old age.
The best I can oofer you is:
YOu kjnowhow people say that your life will never be the same, when you accept Jesus Christ in your heart? Well, that was true for me, so I never had that tempation ever, after accepting Christ.
It did change me in many ways, for the good. Also some losses in my life, helped me to grieve, suffer, and be alone and think.
For me, it all boils down to : INTEGRITY!
I value integrity so much, that nothing is going to get in my way, with now one, no way, no how! And if you also are close to the Lord, and build on that , and pray for the strength, it may not be a problem. It's hard, I know...Gabi, but you are older, now, wiser, and will just have to not allowyourself the opportunity to "sttop low" or "get yourself in trouble", and think ahead, with integrity and the Lord leading your way.....
If you truly love Cole, beyond the security, etc., then you just need to continue to show it to him daily. I'm not saying sex, necessarily, although it sounds, like that dept. is going super well! But there are more components than that, is all I'm saying.
So just ask y ourself, in times of doubt:
Do I want the respect factor, and integrity, and to be cool with Christ, or do I want to fall for the trap of the stupid sexual reinforcement and be uncool with my H, and Christ?
I do think that a tiny part, at least of this has to do with only having had one man all your life, until recently. And thenyou had 2 situations with 2 different guys! Could be curousity! Could be you felt gipped out, and wanted to experience maybe more of the "mainstream" like many folks.
Bould even be that you wanted to and needed to express your sexual prowress! I don't know...did ya lose a few pounds? All of a sudden feel sexy as hell? Did you feel that it was missing in your relationship? It seems that you guys increased the quantity way up before, during, and after the trangresssions. Could it be hormonal??? Who knows! But if it is any help, with menopause, down the road, and the hot flashes, and lack of sleep, it may diminish your libido, so you may not even have to worry about that dept. down the road, and just satisfying Cole will be enough! lol
Just trying to find a ray of sunshine in this mess!
I suppose for IC I am relying on our priest and two very special friends and H. I am gaining a better understanding as time goes on as to what my issues are that led me down that path. They are deep seated life long issues that sat on the back burner pretending to be resolved. For dealing with these issues I may yet need to get IC when it is possible. I wonder if a non-profit might be an answer. I know for right now I am doing well and I am doing all I can but it is only 7 mos out and we are both very focused.
For long term though, when things start to feel more normal and the tendency would be to let the guard down, I need to know that I have resolved the core issues.
You are very spot on I'll tell you that. There is an element of truth in everything you were just guessing at. Lol
I lost 80 lbs 4 yrs ago so yes on that one.
I believe you may have more of a finger on the pulse of our situation than almost anyone due to you and Cole slugging it out over his journals. Lol
I have really learned to appreciate you and respect what you say.
Thanks
I didn't mean to "slug it out" with Cole. Many of them were just very long in depth conversations. The parts that I felt were missing, I had to address with him, since he was looking for insights.
I don't believe we ever got into "knock down brawls" though, or were disrespectful to each other. I may have transcended a couple boundaries. I know at first I was a little suspicious, as whether it was really over, due to your story not coming out, directly all at once.
But now that I've gotten to know you, I do feel that you are sincere, and want to really make it work, due to your truly loving Cole. So now, I'm just here to assist in any way I can. Like I said, what's done is done, and now it's time to move forward to the best of both of your abilities, and make it the best possible!
My main concern for Cole was that, I too tend to intellectualize, and can be "in my head" alot, and can rationalize sometimes to a fault. My main contention, was with him "feeling" more of it, and not denying some of the underlying damage. But as time goes on, and after knowing he did "feel", then it seems to assist the whole healing process. We are all wired differently, and I just tried to encapsulate where he was coming from , where you were, and tried to assist on the points which I felt might have been skipped or overlooked.
But as we know, you really can't get thru it successfully, so we backtrack, embrace it, walk through it, and learn, from it. That's all we can really do, right? And in our own ways.
But thanks so much for the confidence, and I appreciate the "respect" comment, immensely! It goes both ways! lol ;-)
Sometimes, I lay awake at night and wonder how I didn't give my ex-husband enough attention. How was I not giving 100% to our marriage? Even though logically I know that I didn't cause this, I wonder what I could have done differently to prevent it from happening at all. And the answer is nothing.
I am certainly no saint, and maybe I was not putting everything I had into my marriage at the time. But even if I had, I probably still wouldn't have stopped him from cheating. That was about HIM.
"Like only half of me is left and I have to rebuild. I guess that's not so bad. A building that has been badly damaged and gets restored is better than before."
I LOVE this!
My hope that you two are able to build something much stronger and much more beautiful with the leftover pieces of what was. Hang in there!
Look into christian counseling. I found someone and I only pay what I can afford.... nothing is ok too. She is awesome!
What do you think of the 180 thing for a BS to use on a CS... I am trying it... starting today. If you read my post today then you will know why.
Rollercoaster - You are welcome, and you are right. The BS should never get credit for what the CS did. Of course after DDAY it takes both parties giving it 100% to heal and restore. I see 3 restorations taking place here. The biggest and most essential being me. Second being H for what was shattered in him and third the marriage. separate but simultaneous and all essential.
lisette - I am glad H has been a help to you. As far as my faith goes, I blocked God for 7 mos and the only prayer I prayed was in a moment of clarity when I asked God to "save me from myself." That was just before DDAY. Boy, He sure did answer that one! It took me a while after DDAY to really be able to pray again but gradually it has gotten better and better. I can honestly say I have never prayed this much in my life. It took me until 4 or 5 mos post DDAY to accept forgiveness from H and God. Forgiving myself? That is still a work in process, the time will come, I am sure. I am learning to leave things at Jesus feet better than I ever have and rely on His strength, His work in me. The ultimate restorer.
I think I will look in to christian counseling. It can only help.
As far as the 180 goes, I think it is essential in some dynamics. It would not have been right or necessary for us but I believe many CS's need it to "wake up" and come to their senses.
I was just relating to her today, how while I felt more secure in the marriage and never thought she'd cheat on me before this all happened, the reality was she was more vulnerable to that type of thing for several reasons than she's ever been in our marriage to that date. And the reality is that even though I now *feel* less secure, she is probably a lot less likely to fall into this again than she's ever been before, for several reasons.
Speaking of "internationalization," I know the later to be true from my logical mind (because I truly feel she's learned about herself and her limits and doesn't want to even get close to that again), but I still feel less secure than I ever have simply because once the unthinkable has happened, for a period of time at least, you're gun shy. Like being in an automobile accident, and then being scared everything someone pulls up to an intersection you're approaching. You don't trust they'll stop. And even after you start to feel comfortable enough, there is always that uneasy feeling.