Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hello guys, I know its been a while since I've posted on here, but as my husband I try to start over I need some advice.
My husband and I had a long talk last night that has me coming to you for insight. My husband told me that he no longer has the same romantic feelings for me like when he first got together (13 years ago as teenagers). That he has lost that "spark" and although he loves me, that he feels like I am more his best friend than his lover. He cried often as he explained to me the last 5 years of our marriage, how when he went to war that was really when his feelings changed. He held the hands of his friends and told them they would be okay, and held their hands as they breathed their last breathe, said he watched the life go out of them and he often wished it were him. That he trained himself not to care- and when he came home, he didn't stop.
He said he doesn't have an emotional and physical connection with me like before and he often wonders if he can get that back. That the affair made him feel feelings he didn't think he could feel, and he wishes he could make those feelings inside him die but he doesn't know how. He was very honest, and I was able to ask questions without him getting angry. He cried a lot, which doesn't happen a lot and told me how depressed and broken he is and he doesn't know ho to fix it. I flat out asked him if we should get a divorce, and he took a while to answer but he said yes. I told him we could get the process started and he said he didn't want that. He says he doesn't want to lose me.
I suggested he go back to his mom's house in TN for at least a couple of weeks while he figures out what he wants to do. I recommended no contact, while he searches his heart. The other woman has been out of our lives for about a month, but he seems to not have closure, although he ended things, or is unsure of things. He told me being with her was exhausting and controlling and overwhelming and he knows she isn't right for him, that she wouldn't be faithful... and being with me is easy- I am easy going and easy to be with and enjoy time with, that I made some mistakes that upset him sometimes, but all in all we have a good thing going.
But I want a husband who wants me, who desires me, who wants to never stop kissing me. Am I being un realistic? I still have those romantic feelings for him, but it has been ten years. Is it common for marriages to go through phases of being married to your best friend and then married to your lover? Sorry we are young, 28 years old, and yes married for 10 years but he seems to always want that amazing chemistry and rip your clothes off passion... whereas I am happy with having our history, our story, our loving relationship... does any of this make sense? Have I lost my mind?
I think time apart is the next answer, but today we are going to Veterans Affairs to make him some appointments for his Post traumatic stress and brain injury. I think he needs someone to talk to about his depression and his guilt. He is very remorseful about what he did, crying and telling me how I didn't deserve that and he wishes he could undo it... that I deserve better and he didn't treat me like I should have been treated even before the affair.. its just kind of overwhelming...
I guess I am looking for an answer to how this goes... he said he may want to sell the house- so for me that is like closure- even though it could be a move to save money, which we do need, I see it as a move to be apart. I told him while he was home I would start going through our things and packing up his items- and he said he wanted to help me, but I told him it was a process that I think would help me be more accepting of things, like some kind of closure. So sorry this is kind of long... and I am rambling.. but any advice?
My husband and I had a long talk last night that has me coming to you for insight. My husband told me that he no longer has the same romantic feelings for me like when he first got together (13 years ago as teenagers). That he has lost that "spark" and although he loves me, that he feels like I am more his best friend than his lover. He cried often as he explained to me the last 5 years of our marriage, how when he went to war that was really when his feelings changed. He held the hands of his friends and told them they would be okay, and held their hands as they breathed their last breathe, said he watched the life go out of them and he often wished it were him. That he trained himself not to care- and when he came home, he didn't stop.
He said he doesn't have an emotional and physical connection with me like before and he often wonders if he can get that back. That the affair made him feel feelings he didn't think he could feel, and he wishes he could make those feelings inside him die but he doesn't know how. He was very honest, and I was able to ask questions without him getting angry. He cried a lot, which doesn't happen a lot and told me how depressed and broken he is and he doesn't know ho to fix it. I flat out asked him if we should get a divorce, and he took a while to answer but he said yes. I told him we could get the process started and he said he didn't want that. He says he doesn't want to lose me.
I suggested he go back to his mom's house in TN for at least a couple of weeks while he figures out what he wants to do. I recommended no contact, while he searches his heart. The other woman has been out of our lives for about a month, but he seems to not have closure, although he ended things, or is unsure of things. He told me being with her was exhausting and controlling and overwhelming and he knows she isn't right for him, that she wouldn't be faithful... and being with me is easy- I am easy going and easy to be with and enjoy time with, that I made some mistakes that upset him sometimes, but all in all we have a good thing going.
But I want a husband who wants me, who desires me, who wants to never stop kissing me. Am I being un realistic? I still have those romantic feelings for him, but it has been ten years. Is it common for marriages to go through phases of being married to your best friend and then married to your lover? Sorry we are young, 28 years old, and yes married for 10 years but he seems to always want that amazing chemistry and rip your clothes off passion... whereas I am happy with having our history, our story, our loving relationship... does any of this make sense? Have I lost my mind?
I think time apart is the next answer, but today we are going to Veterans Affairs to make him some appointments for his Post traumatic stress and brain injury. I think he needs someone to talk to about his depression and his guilt. He is very remorseful about what he did, crying and telling me how I didn't deserve that and he wishes he could undo it... that I deserve better and he didn't treat me like I should have been treated even before the affair.. its just kind of overwhelming...
I guess I am looking for an answer to how this goes... he said he may want to sell the house- so for me that is like closure- even though it could be a move to save money, which we do need, I see it as a move to be apart. I told him while he was home I would start going through our things and packing up his items- and he said he wanted to help me, but I told him it was a process that I think would help me be more accepting of things, like some kind of closure. So sorry this is kind of long... and I am rambling.. but any advice?
Heck I was 30 yrs old when I married my wife she was 15 yrs old want to talk about heat whwn we came back from honeymoon she was pregnant.
Now fast forward 32 yrs alter and we get the feelings going by doing wild things like going to a nightclub, hanging out on the beach etc.
And then when the feeling's hit got to take advantage of these sparks and make a couple of hour fire.
The affiar may temper this but your husband really sounds remorseful to that is a real positive.
Ever do a romantic weekend, make love in forbidden place etc.
I am not certain that him moving out is the answer, however it may work. I think the big thing whether he does move out or not is communication. It is key that you talk through these thoughts and feelings with him. find out what when and why he lost those feeligns. if there is anything you can do as a couple to help build them back up. And reasure him that you would want him to be helping you build back up if you ever got to that point.
The one biggest factor to put fuel back on it is spending time together. When you dated, I'd be surprised if you didn't spend over 20 hours a week with each other. In the last few years, how much time would you estimate you spend together doing things or talking about things to each other (other than the kids, bills, etc.)?
What happens is that quantity of time together provides opportunity to, as Mr. Harley says in "His Needs, Her Needs," make deposits into each others love bank in a way that makes the other feel loved, not just know it in their head.
If he is serious about wanting to restore that with you, I'd highly recommend getting that book and both of you read through it together. If he comes at it with an open mind, he may learn not only how to show you love in a way that you understand it, but for you to communicate, "I love you and want you," to him in a way that he'll feel that passion once again for you.
Bottom line: you define your priorities by how much discretionary time you devote to them. If you feel both of you are important to each other, you'll figure out a way to spend the minimum 15 hours a week Mr. Harley recommends to add fuel to the fires of passion in your relationship. No need for either of you to go outside the marriage for that.
"What Cole said."
Man I love that. Saves me so much time.
No, but seriously...
YES YOU CAN "fall in love" again. Yes, you can reignite that passion. YES it takes a LOT of work, because it doesn't come natural anymore.
When was the last time your husband and you sat down and asked each other a TON of intimate questions? "Do you like it when a guy blows on your ears?" "Do you like to be the one to pay for a meal or are you comfortable with a woman paying?" "Do you think it's sexier to see a woman in your pajama top or in lingerie?" I mean, chances are, you guys probably feel you already KNOW the answers to these questions so why bother asking, right? But it's not just the answers that matter, it's the TALKING ABOUT THESE THINGS that fires up our "chemistry".
What about dates? As Cole mentioned, when you're first dating, you make a POINT of spending time together and getting to know each other and having FUN. Traditionally, a guy will ask a girl out, right? AND he'll pay. And if he can't afford a date, he may not ask her out, but he'll reach out to her in other ways... calling, texting, emailing, whatever. And a girl will offer to pay for dates if she knows her guy is broke, right? But when you're married, if one of you is broke, chances are you BOTH are, eh?
Plus there's the whole, "Well, we don't really have the money to spend on frivolous things right now..." mindset. How much money and time do you set aside in your budget for dating?
When I ask most of the couples I know that, they give me a blank stare. WHY would they set aside money in the budget for THAT? I've even had people respond, "Oh, well, we have internet/tv in our budget for entertainment..." Nono. I'm not talking about "entertainment" - I'm talking about COUPLES activities.
The cool thing is, once you start doing stuff you BOTH like to do and enjoy, it becomes more natural and you become less resistant to it. For us, it was a matter of, "We can't just abandon the kids... we have to be PARENTS." It never dawned on either of us that by sacrificing our coupledom for parenthood we were setting a bad example and thus failing as parents to show our kids how important the sanctity of marriage is.
Learning to spend time together and learning to meet each other's needs was rough but once we did, we started to really get sappy lovey dovey toward each other. We started having kinky/sexy fun like we hadn't had in YEARS. I started wanting to be with him more than ANYONE else and he started desiring me openly and excitedly more than he had in years.
It's a process, but it can happen and it's well worth the time and money and effort you invest.