I suggest you start reading the chumplady. She has a blog and a couple of books. It helped me a lot to understand the mind of a cheater.

Unless your H understands why he cheated and what this has done to you, your marriage might not survive. I hope he is in therapy.

Thank you for the suggestion

I'm sorry to read of your situation. Many of us here have experienced exactly what you describe. You are in emotional ICU, and it will be months before the ground beneath you stops shaking, and that's only if he's done everything he can to reconcile.

If he is angry with you, he is not remorseful for his actions.

Has he answered all your questions about the affair? Is he doing anything that triggers you? It's paramount that anything that triggers you or causes you grief be exposed and discussed before you can heal and move forward. When was your discovery day?

His anger is just a cover for his shame and a remnant of whatever story he was telling himself in order to justify the affair. I used to tell myself that my affair was justified because my husband ignored me. My AP justified it because his wife wasn't proud of him or had contempt for him. Sometimes, when it is discovered, the CS's first response is to blame others, while clarity and true remorse comes later (sometimes many months).

Thank you so much for your empathy and for the reassurance that shaking ground is normal. Emotional icu is a great description and helps me feel less crazy. It's hard not to blame myself for feeling insecure and needy.

It's also reassuring that clarity may take many months. It's been 3 months since it came out and there have been moments of connection but a lot of resentment stored up to my surprise, and lots of blaming - this from someone whom I have known to be reasonable sensitive and non defensive in the past so it's especially painful as seems so out of character

I'm trying not to love into his projections but it can be isolating as I don't have much community here locally and am still trying to metabolize that what I'd thought was a good marriage is riddled with deception

Thank you for your kindness and compassion.. Helps me feel less isolated

(Live into his projections I meant - not love into)

I'm glad to hear that this is helping you feel less isolated. If he is blaming you and displays a repressed, pent-up resentment towards you, this is a bad sign and demonstrates that he is not remorseful or reconcilable. Has he gone completely no contact with her? Blaming of any sort from a cheating spouse reveals that they are still in the throes of the affair, and have not taken responsibility for it. Has he removed all private passwords from his digital devices and allowed you to peruse at your free will? Has he severed the affair in front of you? Have you been able to check his email and phone to make sure he's telling you the truth?

Often when cheating spouses are caught, they only admit to what they've been caught with, and will do everything in their power to hide the rest for fear of repercussions. Details of the truth come trickling out as evidence is found by the betrayed spouse, and this is known as Trickle Truth, as it trickles out over time. Many CS's take the affair underground, and cannot separate from their affair partner, whilst lying and further deceiving their betrayed and loyal spouse. Is he spending any amount of time away from home or work, with perfectly good excuses, or is he by your side?

I am guessing that if he's still angry and resentful, he's not doing what a remorseful cheating spouse does in order to reconcile, and if this is the case, you won't be able to heal and move beyond your grief and emotional state.

Your self-esteem will return, as will your lustre, but it will take a long time, and that's only if you have a remorseful and reconcilable spouse doing what they can to help you heal. It took me about 18 months before mine resurfaced, and that's under favourable conditions.

You are not to be blamed for any of what he's done, NONE! He is at full fault for the affair. If he's been unhappy, he is to blame for that, not you. If he hasn't felt alive, or whatever jargon he uses, he is to blame for that, not you. We are responsible for own happiness. There is no reasonable excuse for infidelity, and anyone who tries to ply one onto you, speaks from the mindset of a cheater.

I hope you are doing better today.

Hello. I can tell you I went through the exact same thing. It's been 7 months for me since finding out through my husbands iPhone that he had been having an affair with a coworker. So my heart goes out to you as I know exactly how you feel. If you would like to chat anytime let me know. I was married 22 years when I found out and I had no sign of this coming. It was like being hit by a Mac truck.

Affairs SUCK! They satisfy a temporary itch fir the cheater but leave a trail of devastation that changes both partners.

You are in the middle of the storm right now and it's hard to see 2 feet in front of you. It's hard to navigate an attempt to rebuild when your cs is not doing what he needs to help you heal.

He has to accept 1 thing right now and that is, it is NOT about him at this time, it's not even about the marriage and whatever troubles he used to excuse his chatting 2.

Right now it is,all about healing you enough to move forward. Adding salt to your wounds by blaming you is assinine.

Yes there will come a point where the pre affair problems will need to be addressed, and yes he needs to work in himself but his #1 priority should be to tend to the wounds he caused.

Until he pulls his head out of his ass and begins to out 100% effort in, you need to take care of you.

You're not crazy, healing from an A is like a crazy broken ruler coaster.

There are many books on the subject of healing from affairs and if desired, rebuilding the marriage. Not every marriage can be rebuilt but it is possible.

Pardon the typos

Thank you so very much for your replies and support. I'm very touched - thank you. I'm trying to learn and grow from this and come out the other side one day a better and stronger person but hojestly right now it's pretty awful. I feel like I'm going to come apart at times from grief, anger, fear, the uncertainty of what my life is and will be. This relationship was bedrock for me and as I read your responses I see how little reparation has been made - the go to for him right now seems to be rage and a kind of hostility that I keep reminding myself is not about me. But it's hard! I've not fully caught up to the reality that the love of my life and the person I thought I would care for and be cared for by into old age has shown himself to be capable of this deception and then lack of sustained. empathy for me/lack of remorse that leads to reassuring action. It keep hoping for more remorse and kindness but I seem to be the scapegoat fur soothing larger for him, coming from early life, not speaking up for years and his turning 50. I pray for this to get better - I need my strength to deal with other L things but this is kind of - almost completely - zapping me right now

Thanks again for everyone's thoughtful replies and caring

Having gone through multiple DDs (discovery days) that up until recently were vehemently denied and thrown back in my face as a suspicious personality disorder according to my CS...the anger you are seeing directed at you is not about you. He is really really PO'd that he's been caught and the fantasy land he has created is over. If or when he can own the problem and seek help (therapy) and do the tremendous work required as Lenoire ^ describes, only then is there any hope. Even then there are no guarantees. Take good care of yourself, know you are not alone, get therapy for yourself. Where you are standing is a terrible place to be. I wish you well!