President Reagan was talking about the Russians when he said, " trust but verify". If you have gone as far as putting a tracking device on his car and he checks in often and you don't have missing hours in his schedule you are in a very good spot. He is trying to verify his actions and prove that you shouldn't worry. So trust him but verify that he is doing right. That way you might trust him more someday. But for now that sounds good to me.

As for your other question , no, I am on here through my own infidelities and wish I was so lucky as to be drugged and taken advantage of. Sounds really fun . But im sick so it doesnt count. BUT even if he lied about that ( is that what your original post was about??) even if he lied about that he is acting and showing that he wants to make amends and gain your trust again. Be sure his actions speak louder than words. As long as he lets you monitor his actions he is showing that he wants this to work and for you to have proof that things are right again in his mind about your relationship. So if he is cooperating I would forget about the past if I were you.

"the devil made me do it"

nope, i don't buy that line of bullshit

I didn't believe the line of "bullshit" either. He never lied to me that it happened, he called me crying - yes crying. We had been at his nephews graduation party. I left to take the children home he stayed to visit with his family I little longer. We are in our 40's we don't get out much, I was perfectly ok with it. Besides even back then he always stayed in touch when we were not together. He ended up having a few too many drinks so I told him to crash there and bring home donuts in the morning before the kids woke up. At two in the morning he called said he had went into one of the bed rooms at his sisters, took his clothes off, passed out and came too when he felt something rubbing on his dick. He said he jumped out of bed to find his ex smiling at him. (yes I knew she was there she showed up after I left). As a result of using his dick as a dildo, got pregnant. The only thing is she can only get pregnant with the help of ovulation pills, so this was clearly planned on her part. She was quick to tell me she was pregnant, she knew him and I were wanting to have a baby. He sunk into a deep depression and told me to leave him, and god did I want to.... I made his life a living hell, some days I still do. But we are still together, he is willing to lose all freedom to prove his loyalty and no matter how much I hate what "he" did I can't say I hate him. He's had nothing to do with her or the child and when her plan backfired she stopped contacting me. Now it's about earning that trust back and opening my heart back up to him. Was he a victim or a willing participant? The anger says willing the love for him says victim. So I just wanted to hear from a man other than him - maybe that would help me start to move forward and open myself back up. I want our life back.

No. I have never been incapacitated, then woken up to someone taking advantage of me - Much less to the point of ejaculating and getting her pregnant. Physiologically, what you have described is virtually impossible.

Not that you asked, but... This one point upon which you are focused does not seem particularly important, to me. Why hinge your determination of whether you stay or go on a rabbit hole of a detail that you will almost certainly never know the precise truth about?

I'm a man and wife cheated. I had a paternity test done and he is mine.

If it had been his I would have divorced her for certain right away.

I will not spend my resources to pay for a child of my adulterous wife and the scumbag who she was with.

I also will not tolerate ongoing contact with an affair partner because you know where that will lead over and over again.

In the beginning my wife also tried to play the victim but now she realizes she was just playing victim to avoid the guilt and consequences associated with her decisions.

The reason people have told you to leave is because this entanglement will never end with his ex wife and there is no foundation left for your to build a solid marriage.

He will need to raise this kid and be in contact with his ex for all his kids' sake.

It's not so much that he isn't putting an effort to make things right. (However it appears he is minimizing his culpability)

It would be the same as if my wife contracted HIV. Even if she wanted to work things out I will not expose myself to an incurable disease she got during the affair and I would divorce her. (The testing was clean)

To be perfectly clear: Your husband SHOULD take responsibility for the child, and he SHOULD be a part of that child's life. Certainly you don't want to deprive an innocent child of its father, just because you are jealous?

As refurb pointed out: Because of the children, the entanglement will never end with his ex-wife. Nor should it.

The only question is: What do YOU want for YOUR life?

wow, he really is a sicko, he'll abandon an innocent child that he brought into this world just to prove to you that he is committed to you

he sounds like a sicko that wants to be dominated, you are controlling him now, do you like that, can you see how his sickness is twisting you into a control freak

leave while you still can or stay and turn into his fantasy
know that he loves his fantasy domineering woman...not you

sorry to be so blunt but from my perspective it is so obvious

Ouch. Now I’m the problem? Why is it if a woman is raped she can choose to abort or put the child up for adoption. If a man is raped he is forced into something he didn’t want. He didn’t ejactulate- yes I asked for every detail. And yes it is possible to get pregnant from pre cum and without penitration. She is trying to wreck his home because she’s miserable and he’s happy. If I listen to all of you she would do just that.

If I may, I believe part of what refurb means is: Step back and look at all the tracking, and checking, you are doing now. That's kinda exhausting, right? You feel, if you can just keep your eye on him ALLLLL the time, that he won't... get drunk and raped again by his ex-wife?

Occam's razor recommends: "When presented with competing hypothetical answers to a problem, one should select the one that makes the fewest assumptions."

I took sixth grade health class, too. A woman is wildly unlikely to get pregnant from pre-cum - especially absent penetration. Far (FAR) more likely, is that your husband got tipsy, a flame was rekindled, and nature took its course.

No, you are not "the problem." Not at all. You didn't ask for any of this. But, REGARDLESS of how it happened, do you want to remain a part of this drama for the rest of your life? Provided you get what you need, who cares if the ex-wife gets what she wants?

the point is, that he deeply warped and that is affecting you. you are too close to see it

you are defending his fucking another woman, you are defending him abandoning the life that came from that

he is phenomenal at manipulating you so much so that you come here for validation of what you do

i gave you a wake call, you don't like it, okay but it does not change the twisted relationship that you are allowing yourself to ensnared in

There are a lot of good points there that show poor consistency with reality in terms of what your husband claims.

If he was blackout drunk he would have complete whisky dick. That means a useless mush of a penis that won't have any precum and no chance of erection.

If he wasn't blackout drunk then it is a miracle that a woman walking into your room, taking your clothes off, stimulating you to erection, riding you for a few minutes without you waking up.

Either he is lying and hoping you don't know about whisky dick or his ex tricked him into thinking they had sex and a paternity test is needed.

It has to be one or the other.

Either way I don't now why either of you are fighting for a "prize" of no value and for which no one should want. It's like two toddlers fight for a toy just because the other person wants it.

The guy is a pathetic loser to begin with.

I know I am not a man, but I wanted to say something, because you are looking for a reason to stay. Do you like who you are when you do all these things to keep him in check? I am in my 40's and barely have time enough to deal with my day to day bull, I would hate to have to deal with all that verifying.

Best of luck

Amg3ofus, I replied without knowing of an ex , a baby, the "living hell" part of the story. So I change my vote and join everyone else so far. Time to end it, completely, and move on. Live and learn?

He appears to be taking responsibility and earn trust by being monitored. Can he earn back your trust by beginning the journey with a lie? He lied about having sex with her, he did it, and drunk or not he was aware enough to impregnate her.

Is monitoring every aspect of his life enough to earn your trust and is it worth the stress, time, and anxiety? In my own personal experience the answer was no, but that really depends on you.

Realizing someone you love and trust is lying too you is earth shattering. I found this to be the more difficult part to reconcile than the actual affair. My ex wife had an affair and lied to me on a daily basis for months. I continued to replay the lies in my mind, and examine the mannerisms and details of how she lied. They stay with you. Not all the time, but sometimes you catch small patterns in the things they do and say, and it all hits you again, like a kick in the nether regions. I started looking for more and repeated behaviors and was hyper aware of everything she did and said. It became exhausting and unhealthy.

For example my ex wife would often go to a clothing store, as many people do. She would buy clothes without trying them on and then later return the clothes if she decided to. This would also give her a reason to go back to the store, not an unusual behavior. Well one of the times I knew she cheated on me, she told me an elaborate tale of a shopping extravaganza. I even called her that evening and she perpetuated the lie. What she didn’t consider was that her cellphone was not in the area she claimed to be, because, as I would later find out, she was at a hotel with her boyfriend. I am pretty sure they don’t sell penises at the local clothing store, because that’s all she got on that particular outing.

So after deciding to try to stay together, I would question things and hear the same word said from the lies. Was she really going shopping this time? Why did she not ask me to go? She said that before and it was a lie. I couldn’t handle the anxiety, my work suffered, as did my health, and other relationships with friends.

We are divorced now and my anxiety is gone with her.