Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hi everyone, it’s been a while. I am so grateful for this site. It has truly pulled me out of the trenches at times, and more importantly given me a “safe place” to vent or just let out thoughts honestly and openly.
Things in my marriage have been going extremely well, well on the surface. My cheating spouse has done everything possible to show remorse and to let me know this is the road that is meant for them. We have reestablished a friendship, a partnership, and even a bit of intamacy (this was put on hold for a bit, to regain balance that did not involve physical distractions). The problem is not with what is happening now, rather what DID happen. I know I have asked before, WILL THESE TRIGGERS STOP? I know I got your answers, but damnit, I cannot clear my head from them. I know some may say, well then you need to move on.... honestly, I think I could move on and be with 100 new people with these awful triggers attacking me in the same way. I love my spouse, not even a question.... in the same way? Maybe not at times. It is so hard to explain. I just want to be able to look at my life as before the affair, the affair, and now..... after the affair and move on happily within my marriage. The love is there, i know some may not be able to believe that, but there is still a lot of love. I am just so tired of the trust, the worry, the anger, the sadness, the triggers... the things that get in the way. I try so hard to push them from my mind when they pop up. I am truly exhausted. I just want to claim myself back. I have been in therapy and I am working really hard. I just can’t turn my brain off at times. Please tell me it gets better.... or please tell me it doesn’t, so I can accept it. Personally, if you can’t tell me either way, just lie to me so I have something concrete, lol! It’s always “you gotta do what you feel in your heart.” That’s just it.... my heart is split into a thousand pieces. Every day i feel something different. Even throughout the say, different feelings emerge.
Thank you for letting me release my feelings, I apologize for sounding so “all over the place” truth is... i am literally floating above my body like a puppet on strings... trying to direct myself through life on the daily. I just want to turn my head off, and let my heart and body direct for a while.
I hope everyone is healing well and have a good day.
If I focus on the present and the future, I do much better. If I focus on myself and what I want my life to be, I do much better. I stopped therapy for myself because I think it kept me focused on the pain by H caused me.
I do not think about whether or not I love my H. I do not think about whether or not he loves me either. He would kiss me, tell me he loved me, and in his hand was his phone with messages he was texting the OW.
My brain hurts trying to understand this. What I do know is that he wants to be married to me. So I accept that.
The more I think about the A, the more I demand answers for his actions, the worse I feel. So I stop myself when I find my mind wandering in that direction.
I remind my H from time to time that if he cheats again, or has any contact with the OW, I will come down on him like the Wrath of Khan.
I ask him to promise to remain faithful to me. I do have My Plan in place.
I hope I never need it, but it makes me feel better having it.
If you plan on staying together my advice is to focus on what you want from this point forward. There is nothing you can do about the past.
It is up to the cheater to make you feel secure. Put the monkey on the cheaters back, not yours.
I know that my H reacts to me differently since I have reclaimed my power.
You get to decide the thoughts you are going to think, the things you are going to do every day, so choose wisely. For me, doing new things or going back to old things I gave up, has helped me. Changing up my routine, keeps things fresh and keeps me from nursing the pain. I want that pain to die.
You have to reorganize the understand of who you spouse really was during all this time and also evaluate your own perception of everyone around you.
You wonder if someone I trusted completely hurt and betrayed me like this....how about everyone else who is close and I trust. Will they betray me?
Jordan Peterson has a short vid explaining this.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYUjo7zvz4A
A bit part of moving on is accepting that the image of the person you thought your spouse is was way off and accept it. The "love" you feel towards them will be different but it makes sense because they aren't the person you thought they were. They won't measure up to their previous image and your feelings towards them will be different and that's a good thing....or at least he correct way to view them.
Think of how we felt about Bill Cosby before we found out he was the biggest sex offender of all time. We have lost that perspective of him and it will never come back, and it is necessary and honest. We can't cling to illusions of who our spouses were either.
In the same way we know that murder exists but we don't cower in our basements every night and close the blinds.
However, we understand that it is a reality and avoid bad areas and stay vigilant when necessary.
After an affair you will no longer be able to give trust to anyone without evidence, but perhaps this is our naivety being removed.
We need to look at people's character and evidence that they are who they project themselves to be. Trust incrementally and do not turn a blind eye to red flags and evidence to the contrary.