Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
This is the first time I've ever join any sort of support group. I always through of myself as a pretty good at handling any problem on my own. I guess in just needed to vent and talk to people that knows what I'm going threw.
My wife and i were middle school sweethearts we got married in 2009 it was the same year she decided she wanted to join the navy. we were both young and in love and i wanted to support her choice and goals. we were married about 2 weeks and she was shipped off to sea and was stationed over see for the next 4 years.
It was not easy but we told each other that if anyone is going to get threw this it would be us. I did everything i can as far as keeping in contact with facebook, email, and phone calls and web chats. I spent lots of money every year to make a trip out to see her.
Finally the years has gone by and she was finally home i thought to myself wow we made it. We had done what so many couldn't we survived a 4 year long distant relationship. I hear horrible stories about how much cheating and lying goes on in the military but i was so proud of us for sticking to our vows we made to each other before she left. I thought to myself its going to be great and smooth sailing from here. I thought as long as we had each other we can handle anything but i was so wrong.
she was home for 2 years and for the most part we were happy we were both adjusting to life with each other. We had our arguments and we both work a lot but all in all everything was normal. During this time she was home i started to noticed that we started talking less became less intimate. I asked her if everything is ok if we were ok and why do she shy away from me when i want to be close.
Every time i ask her she would replied we are ok and that would be the only time we would have sex. I started to noticed this pattern almost if she would have sex with me just to keep me from worrying or asking questions. I also noticed she been getting late text messages from someone at first i didnt think much of it at first.
I always trusted my wife she never gave me any reason not to. But one day it was about 2am in the morning and she got a text on her phone. we were both asleep by then and i just thought to myself i don't care how good of a friend you are you don't text someone at 2am in the morning unless its an emergency. I know i shouldn't have but i picked up the phone and looked at who was sending the message and what it said.
it was from a guy she told me was a good friend of hers when she was stationed over sea. the message wrote " love you " i was shocked at first but think maybe its just a friendly chat between friends. this compelled me to look at her old messages. what i found out was they have been sexting back a forth with each other. my heart was broken i felt physically my stomach turned and i thought i was going to throw up.
i woke her up and confronted her about the messages. at first she denied and said it was just flirting and then she said they had kissed a few times. Finally after calling all her bluffs she admitted that she had a relationship with this man while she was over seas and that it continued for the last 2 years she was home.
I couldn't believe what was happening to me my entire world has changed. I was so hurt i couldn't even cry i was in such a shock and a state of numbness that all i could do was stand there and look at this woman in front of me that i dont recognize. everything i thought i knew about her about us was gone.
She cried and told me how sorry she was but i couldn't hear anything. all i could do at that point was stand there. When i did finally regained some of my mind all i can do was ask why. So many emotions and thoughts ran threw my mind. I keep asking was it my fault, how could she have done this, why did it happened to me.
We were both up all night talking and letting everything out she begged me not to go and that she needs me. I wanted to walk away i wanted to let all our friends and families know what she done i wanted to shame her. I wasn't sure what it was that kept me maybe it was the long history together maybe i was desperate maybe because i love her still.
I didnt leave or did any of the things i think she deserved. I pulled myself together and with everything i had pushing threw the hurt and rage i hugged her as tight as i can and said "I promised you for better or for worst". I didnt want this marriage to end i still love and i want to try everything before i call it quits.
The next thing i did was tell her to call the other man and tell him that its over and that i want to have a word with him. she called and told him that i know everything and that its over. I took the phone from her and spoke the the man. I said to him that im not looking for revenge or an apology i told him that he has a hand in ruining my life and my marriage and that if he has any decency left in him he would leave us along and let us fix this.
We started seeing marriage counseling and doing everything we can to make things work. Threw counseling i have found out that she had multiple affairs. At this point i was so hurt and didnt know what to think of my life. All this is so hard to take in and it hurts so much to think that this is really happening to me.
my wife and i are still going threw counseling and trying to make it work. my counselor said that we are making good progress and that my wife truly feels guilt and remorse for what she has done. I dont doubt that she truly loves me i am afraid of trusting her.
Its been about 6 months since i founded out and we been sticking with counseling and spending more time with each other. things has gotten better but only time can tell if everything will work out.
Thank you for reading this rant.
My wife and i were middle school sweethearts we got married in 2009 it was the same year she decided she wanted to join the navy. we were both young and in love and i wanted to support her choice and goals. we were married about 2 weeks and she was shipped off to sea and was stationed over see for the next 4 years.
It was not easy but we told each other that if anyone is going to get threw this it would be us. I did everything i can as far as keeping in contact with facebook, email, and phone calls and web chats. I spent lots of money every year to make a trip out to see her.
Finally the years has gone by and she was finally home i thought to myself wow we made it. We had done what so many couldn't we survived a 4 year long distant relationship. I hear horrible stories about how much cheating and lying goes on in the military but i was so proud of us for sticking to our vows we made to each other before she left. I thought to myself its going to be great and smooth sailing from here. I thought as long as we had each other we can handle anything but i was so wrong.
she was home for 2 years and for the most part we were happy we were both adjusting to life with each other. We had our arguments and we both work a lot but all in all everything was normal. During this time she was home i started to noticed that we started talking less became less intimate. I asked her if everything is ok if we were ok and why do she shy away from me when i want to be close.
Every time i ask her she would replied we are ok and that would be the only time we would have sex. I started to noticed this pattern almost if she would have sex with me just to keep me from worrying or asking questions. I also noticed she been getting late text messages from someone at first i didnt think much of it at first.
I always trusted my wife she never gave me any reason not to. But one day it was about 2am in the morning and she got a text on her phone. we were both asleep by then and i just thought to myself i don't care how good of a friend you are you don't text someone at 2am in the morning unless its an emergency. I know i shouldn't have but i picked up the phone and looked at who was sending the message and what it said.
it was from a guy she told me was a good friend of hers when she was stationed over sea. the message wrote " love you " i was shocked at first but think maybe its just a friendly chat between friends. this compelled me to look at her old messages. what i found out was they have been sexting back a forth with each other. my heart was broken i felt physically my stomach turned and i thought i was going to throw up.
i woke her up and confronted her about the messages. at first she denied and said it was just flirting and then she said they had kissed a few times. Finally after calling all her bluffs she admitted that she had a relationship with this man while she was over seas and that it continued for the last 2 years she was home.
I couldn't believe what was happening to me my entire world has changed. I was so hurt i couldn't even cry i was in such a shock and a state of numbness that all i could do was stand there and look at this woman in front of me that i dont recognize. everything i thought i knew about her about us was gone.
She cried and told me how sorry she was but i couldn't hear anything. all i could do at that point was stand there. When i did finally regained some of my mind all i can do was ask why. So many emotions and thoughts ran threw my mind. I keep asking was it my fault, how could she have done this, why did it happened to me.
We were both up all night talking and letting everything out she begged me not to go and that she needs me. I wanted to walk away i wanted to let all our friends and families know what she done i wanted to shame her. I wasn't sure what it was that kept me maybe it was the long history together maybe i was desperate maybe because i love her still.
I didnt leave or did any of the things i think she deserved. I pulled myself together and with everything i had pushing threw the hurt and rage i hugged her as tight as i can and said "I promised you for better or for worst". I didnt want this marriage to end i still love and i want to try everything before i call it quits.
The next thing i did was tell her to call the other man and tell him that its over and that i want to have a word with him. she called and told him that i know everything and that its over. I took the phone from her and spoke the the man. I said to him that im not looking for revenge or an apology i told him that he has a hand in ruining my life and my marriage and that if he has any decency left in him he would leave us along and let us fix this.
We started seeing marriage counseling and doing everything we can to make things work. Threw counseling i have found out that she had multiple affairs. At this point i was so hurt and didnt know what to think of my life. All this is so hard to take in and it hurts so much to think that this is really happening to me.
my wife and i are still going threw counseling and trying to make it work. my counselor said that we are making good progress and that my wife truly feels guilt and remorse for what she has done. I dont doubt that she truly loves me i am afraid of trusting her.
Its been about 6 months since i founded out and we been sticking with counseling and spending more time with each other. things has gotten better but only time can tell if everything will work out.
Thank you for reading this rant.
Sometimes guilt makes us stop what we're doing, but it doesn't sound like there was any guilt and it doesn't seem like she would have stopped if you didn't find out.
She was disconnecting from you and for your own well being, you need to be sure you're not the fall back guy here.
I always think it's good to ask a cheater to demonstrate why they're worth staying with. I mean if you cheated , would she still be with you?
How could you prove your love and devotion? If she can answer that, it will give an insight.
What has your wife done to show remorse?
How does she show it's you she wants to be with?
What makes you feel she won't do it again?
Is she a safe partner you?
Did you get std tested?
I suggest you google 'Surviving Infidelity' and seek out support for hundreds of people who are going through this.
The steps an unfaithful spouse should take towards reconciliation.
Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:
1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.
10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.
11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.
12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.
13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.
14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.
15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.
16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.
17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling.
18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.
You are with others here who have been through similar pain. Some in the early stages, some well into the healing stages and everywhere in between. Some folks here are rebuilding others are divorcing. You will receive support and advice to help you navigate this difficult time in your life.
Rebuilding a marriage after infidelity is possible but it does take a lot of hard work especially for the cs.