Not cheating. The woman he married no longer exists, only the shell that used to house her spirit. He's grieved and moved on. If she could, by some miracle, come back she would understand and forgive him. I would.

wow cole that's a tough one..I kind of agree with fiber in a sense that she's no longer there that it's just a shell of her former being.. but...I made a vow of in sickness and in health.. till death do us part...I think a really loving and faithful man would agree but I may be wrong... that's a real tough one there maybe there isn't a right or wrong answer to that one only opinions

Cheating. She may not know, but he knows it's cheating. And if they got married in a church "in sickness and in health, for better or worse, forsaking all others, til death do us part". It is cheating.

there are a number of circumstances where i understand infidelity
this is one of them

I think there was a case kind of like this where the woman was in a coma for years, the man stayed with her and cared for her for years, but started dating some time after. I didn't feel like it was cheating, because I think if his wife WAS able to communicate, she would want him to move on and be happy. I think I would be ok if I was mentally unable to be a husband anymore and let her move on and be happy...

I think if he talks to his family - her family and there is some sort of consensus that she would want him to move on. If that happens - then perhaps he dates or whatever.

Either then that - its in sickness and health, which means - like in the movie the notebook - you be there for your wife until death.

I'd have to say it is. If you weren't going to stay by her side when she's at her worst, why did the marriage happen in the first place?

thats an on the fence question, but i dont think its cheating, but i have watched people with alzheimers become different people my grandmother totally changed her persona once she had alzheimers she was a different woman. while you do take your wedding vows and if you are older things get rough on a person taking care of somone in that situation, again i know this one first hand through my other grandmother, so i truthfully dont think it is but then again, perception of friends and family is what matters, do they see it as cheating, cause those are the ones that have to be dealt with on a daily basis not us on here.

What did they say to each other over the years before the horrible disease hit? Most of us have had conversations of the "if something happens to me I would want you to be happy" sort. What was their agreement? What was the nature of their commitment. That determines the answer to your question to me.

I like what onyx said. If you feel the need to sneak around about it, then I think you yourself think it's cheating. If it's out in the open, then at least you aren't betraying your own standards.

to me it sounds like an excuse to cheat. if you are going to cheat that would be a reason, but there are tons other reasons to cheat as well.
Yes people in that situation are going to do that and cheat.
however i personally feel that it is cheating and is not right. THere are so many aspects to a marriage or relationship that people explore over the course of that 50 years. neither of those people will be the same people they were 50 years before, they will have changed both together and apart. it is the bond that keeps that relationship alive even if that person is not mentally or physically there.

I think that depends on the man. I know a man whose wife not only didn't recognize him, but required diaper changes etc. He took care of until she passed away. He said that she had taken care of him and his three sons as long as she was able, and in good conscience he could not abandon her. Then again, he's quite a man.

I think it's cheating. And horribly tacky.

Can you imagine the person that's the third party??? Oh, yes, he's married, but his wife doesn't know who he or even she is, so it's okay?

Yuck.

Interesting comments, and pretty much all over the map.

Gabi's mother actually was diagnosed with Alzheimer in her early 50s, and died around 60. Her last 4 years she spent in a nursing home in which she was oblivious to who everyone was. Her husband (an AP she ended up marrying back when Gabi was 5) visited her everyday and made sure the nursing home did her right. As far as I know, he was faithful up until she died. But we didn't keep tabs on him either. He could have been, but there is nothing to suggest he was.

Who knows, Gabi could end up there and I could be the husband visiting her at some point, when she can't even remember who I am. Time will tell if that gene, if it is hereditary, was passed down. But who knows. I might go first. The stress of the past two years is taking a physical toll on me. One seems to be a sort of mental numbness at times.

Anyway, my take on this question is mixed. Like I can see it from both sides. In my beliefs, ideally, I wouldn't remarry even after she dies, but that is not always practical and I won't know until I'm there if I can pull that off successfully. But because of that, I'd have a hard time thinking it is okay to do anything until she dies. From this point, I don't think any other woman would settle for getting seconds from me anyway. They would know I loved my first wife and that they could never have that with me. A part of my heart they could never have. So it is hard for me to even imagine being with anyone else after she dies, much less if she were to end up in a state like we've discussed.

That said, sometimes a person can be in that condition for years. Meanwhile the surviving spouse has needs that will go unmet. The need for companionship to help them through this trying time would tend to led itself to the beginnings of an emotional A if not full blown. If you know your wife will never again be able to meet those needs, is it fair to expect the spouse to put their life on hold for 5, 10 or more years and be lonely?

I think legally it would be an affair, but perhaps not deception to the wife as you could introduce her to your wife as your girlfriend and she'd not have a clue, not knowing who you are. I'm sure my church would consider it an affair. But emotionally and spiritually, I'm not so sure it is one. I think that depends.

I like what going said. If you've discussed this scenario with your spouse and decided ahead of time what is acceptable. Gabi and I had never really done that...until tonight. I think while I say I wouldn't do anything, if I were to find myself five years into a situation like that, and in desperate need of a partner for support, I might feel differently about it.

So yeah, hard one to judge. Which is why I thought to throw it out here and get some perspective on it. Thanks.

I'm thinking DH and I need to have a conversation on this. I would not want him to put his life on hold indefinitely if I was incapacitated, and I doubt that he would want that for me. As I recall, the vows of our civil ceremony didn't include 'forsaking all others' or 'til death do us part'. We promised to love, respect and care for each other, to meet each others needs and be present with one another. We've agreed that marriage is not contained within a piece of paper or a script, but exists as a state of the heart.

That said, his ex-boss's wife just passed away from cancer, after battling for over a year. While she was in hospice, he was moving his girlfriend into their family home. I thought that was incredibly tacky, and awful for their grown kids to deal with...but we don't know what the two of them agreed on while she was well. She may have given him permission and that was all he needed.