I appreciate the link that you shared. I haven't read that before but it DOES sum up a lot of feelings that I had. I am both a CS and BS, but I still feel the loss of what once was. I definitely miss those innocent days. I'd take that period in time and all the bumps and hiccups along the way compared to how things ended up after the A's.

To answer, I don't think it happens. You may get to the other side for a number of years. Your marriage may seem stronger than before. But my pessimism takes over and I believe that eventually, things break down again. I just don't know of many people that are better off than they were, many years into it. Either infidelity happens again, or the BS never can "feel lucky" again, or there's just too much damage. It's really hard to continue on when you compare, and remember, both sides of the equation. They are unequal. They are out-of-balance. And I believe in most all cases, both partners would place their weight on the first phase. The original phase. The innocent phase.

We tried. We did the things that couples are supposed to do to rebuild. But it was a lackluster effort. Underlying any gains we made was the undeniable knowledge that we betrayed each other in the worst way. And what that knowledge did was cultivate a festering sadness lying in wait. One can only pretend so much. Eventually, the truth surfaces and you can't ignore it anymore. And the truth was, we were NEVER really going to get past this. Forgive yes, forget know. But worse, grow we would not.

It's sad. I hate having this outlook. But it's what I feel and what I know. Maybe someone has a more positive comment than me.

For what it's worth, my close friend's parents split for a year when she was 12 after her father had an affair with the babysitter (clich). They reconciled and are happily married 30 years later. So yes, I think it can happen. Will it happen to me? I don't know.

The way I see it, betrayed spouses are like Eve who ate the apple. There is no going back to what we thought we had. We were wounded and those wounds leave scars. Sometimes those wounds never heal. We know now what our spouses are capable of. And we live with the knowledge that it can all happen again.

We know that they cheated because they wanted to, not because of us. If it had been us, that would be easy - we would change! We don't have any control over them, their minds, their desires.

I used to spend a LOT of time worrying about my H and if he was happy. I turned myself into a pretzel trying to imagine what he wanted, what he needed. And then I would deliver that up on a silver platter. When I saw that it didn't matter, he was still cheating, I wised up. We are still married. He has stopped cheating ( I hope).
I focus now on me. I make him focus on me. I speak up immediately when I feel the most minor of slights. I don't attack; I might be sweet or coy or whatever, but I put the focus back on me and I give him positive reinforcement. Making him the center of my life was a big mistake.
He, on the other hand, needs to make me the center of his life. He cheated and the rules are different now.

He knows now that I am with him by choice. And that has governed
the decisions he makes.

I think you are in that stage - paralysis by analysis.

I think the best thing you can do is create the life you want. Make some plans with your wife for your future. Give her the opportunity to set things in motion. If she sits back and let's you do it all . . . well, that's not good. But if she gets very involved, that would be exciting.

Don't be the one trying to fix things, that's her job. She was the one who broke your heart and almost your marriage. Put the monkey on her back and leave him there. Live the life you want. How she handles things will tell you what you need to know.

You pose different questions to us. What you should be doing is asking her those questions.

You want to know if you will feel lucky? We don't know. That's entirely up to your wife.

Men usually are fixers... however in this situation BS's seem to be the fixers. We run around doing all the work. Don't do it for her.

We still struggle sometimes at 1 1/2 yrs... it takes work, every day

I'm a BS who is now as of May 11th last week, now 5 years since Dday. We did rebuild, and I can honestly say we are happy and in a good place. Some things are better than they were before. I think they need to be to make the rebuilding worth th effort.

Saying that doesn't erase the negative losses I experienced, however. When I think back on the losses, the pain is still there, though not anywhere nearly as intense as the first two years. I don't worry about her cheating on me, though I'm no longer naive to think it couldn't happen again if she doesn't stay diligent. But I've been able to deal with it well enough and have moved on. We are in a good place, and if I had to do it all over again, I'd do the same thing again. For me anyway, it was worth it.

Your mileage may vary, however. I know not all are in the same situation I was in.

if your son's kook pos of a mother can figure out that his family comes first, then you try and make it work
good and growth can come out of that

if she can see the hurt she inflicted and you can see that she hurts from facing it, that is human frailty and strength, you can love that

you have a child be open to those ifs

you also have an obligation to raise the child to be an adult so if his mother opts not to do either of the big ifs noted above, don't let her blow smoke up your ass, and don't you blow smoke your child's way

My husband and I are 5.5 years past me discovering his affair. We're doing fabulously. Seriously.

It has been a long, long hard road. There are still moments of pain or triggers that bring the past back into emotional focus as if the affair had happened a few months ago, not years ago, and there are scars that have changed us both.

However, our relationship is stronger, and far better than before his affair. I remember coming here to Daily Strength 9 months after discovering my husband's affair feeling like I would never be TRULY happy ever again, but yes, happiness after infidelity is possible, and recovery and rebuilding are possible.

Does this happen with every couple? Nope. Can it happen with every couple? My heart wants to say yes, but no, it just isn't possible with every couple.

First: BOTH partners have to be 100% invested. BOTH... Seriously, BOTH. The unfaithful partner not only has to cut ALL ties with the affair partner(s), but the betrayed spouse can't just "stay" but actually has to fully invest, too.

Second: A recovery plan must be put into place. Rug sweeping does NOT work, nor does "forgive and forget" nor does the theory that love is "enough" - trust me, it's not. Whatever plan you choose there are certain factors that must be met in order to clean out the wound, shore up any weaknesses in individuals and in the relationship, and to clear out solid ground on which to build the relationship.

Third: A clear vision must be formed, a goal, if you will, of what an ideal marriage would look like for both partners, in order to be able to help keep them on track with rebuilding. If you're both working toward different goals, neither of you will ever be happy. Once you design your (plural) perfect marriage in your heads, you have an ideal to work towards.

Fourth: You'll /always/ be working towards this goal. You'll never get there. Not because you're unhappy, or the goal is impossible, but because marriage is work and once you hit one plateau you reach for the next so that you're always growing and learning.

There's more, but that's where I'll leave it. The short answer is:

YES. Happier is possible. Recovery and rebuilding is possible. And yes, it is possible for the betrayed and the unfaithful spouse both to find themselves more in love and in a better, healthier, more fulfilling relationship than ever before.
(But it's not easy.)