Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

4,945 Members
18,074 Posts
0 Online
Relationships & Sexuality
/ Infidelity Support Group

Intimacy after the affair?

KEH
KEH

It's been almost two months since I found out about my husband's affair. Needless to say our sex life is dead. I thought I wanted to last week. It had been so long and I thought maybe it could bring us closer.What a mistake. I became repulsed, disgusted and an emotional wreck. I thought about him kissing her, doing things with her, moments meant only for ME. I thought to myself "is he comparing us"? It was a visceral experience we stopped and I cried myself to sleep.


Will intimacy ever be a possibility without the thoughts of the affair bombarding the moment? Will the vision of them together forever haunt me? Even though she's no longer in the picture, I feel like she's won. 

calirn13
calirn13
Eventually those feelings will become less and less. This is still very new give yourself time
Magola
Magola
She's won nothing. Not the man, not her job. Fuck her. I feel you. I'm a bit in the same boat. Our sex life is dead too. I'm feeling like a animal instinct to have sex and my husband wants to "make love". While I don't think about her, the thought of "making love" repulses me. There's some psychology for you. I guess I have absolutely no advice, just that I understand where you are coming from. It's all so hard.
forwardmotion
forwardmotion
I can see how you may be repulsed.

For me, initially there was hysterical bonding for the first 3 months or so.

Then afterwards I would consider it more of a physical act as mentally I was repulsed by some thoughts of her. I wouldn't call it lovemaking anymore but more of catharsis for pain/stress.

1 1/2 years later I can say it still isn't lovemaking but there are flashes of it during the act.

I think this is one aspect of adultery that is affected by gender differences. You being a woman I can understand your reluctance.

The act of sex is a symbol/type of intimate and vulnerable acceptance of a male. Why would you feel comfortable to accept such a man who cheats and betrays.

Some can just bypass the mental barrier by suppressing this symbolism and reduce sex to a physical animal act. Some people can't separate the meaning from the act.

I do think that if the husband changes over time so will the level of repulsion.

Give it time, as this is completely understandable.
heartache5
heartache5
I too had the hysterical bonding initially. Now I desperately avoid any positions I suspect he may have done with them. So we only do things of which I'm sure he didn't with them. This helps. The sex is much better than before D-day I must say. I'm much more selfish I feel make sure I get my fun as well lol. Sometimes an image pop up I can fairly easily push it away now. It's different if they had a long term affair with 1 person i think.
Your reaction is very normal and understandable. Stop if you see those images and talk about them. Try to discuss with him if you can find some positions you both enjoy and your sure are just shared between the 2 of you. Don't force yourself either way. It could take months for a sexlife to come back