Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hi all!
I'm brand new to this. I do not yet even know all the abbreviations needed to use while writing, so bear with me.
I am in need of some support, feedback and any other comments from people who have been through this. I will make my story as brief as possible.
We have been married for 10 yrs, together for 17 yrs. My husband is all I have ever known. he has been and still is the best husband and father. The kind of guy that is the envy of all wives out there. Attentive, charming, cooks, cleans, very active dad, etc. I have NO complaints in that department.
He has had a self-admitted problem with online chat, online sexting. Over the past 5 years, I have occasionally come upon emails to/from random people. We have "dealt" with these situations by talking about it, even started therapy 2 yrs ago after the last "bout" with internet addiction. At that time, he had denied any actual intercourse with any of these anonymous internet people.
I recently found new emails, found out that although in therapy, he never stopped the behavior, and he has now admitted to having had 3 sexual encounters as well as continued email communication with a few people.
I asked him to leave and he is now with his mom for a while. We have both been going to counseling for over a year. I am still so shocked because I thought "we" were better. The counselor has now recommended intensive sex therapy centers for him.
I am still not sure what to do. I feel that over the past 5 yrs, I have given him plenty of opportunity to "get over" his addiction of the internet, but now that it has become more "real" and sexual, I'm not sure I can go on. I know I would never be able to trust him.
On the other hand, he really is a good person and a good friend and a good father.
My mind is still numb and I do not know where to go from here. We have a 2 yo daughter. I never signed up for being a single mom. I do not want to be a single mom.
Any thoughts are appreciated.
I'm brand new to this. I do not yet even know all the abbreviations needed to use while writing, so bear with me.
I am in need of some support, feedback and any other comments from people who have been through this. I will make my story as brief as possible.
We have been married for 10 yrs, together for 17 yrs. My husband is all I have ever known. he has been and still is the best husband and father. The kind of guy that is the envy of all wives out there. Attentive, charming, cooks, cleans, very active dad, etc. I have NO complaints in that department.
He has had a self-admitted problem with online chat, online sexting. Over the past 5 years, I have occasionally come upon emails to/from random people. We have "dealt" with these situations by talking about it, even started therapy 2 yrs ago after the last "bout" with internet addiction. At that time, he had denied any actual intercourse with any of these anonymous internet people.
I recently found new emails, found out that although in therapy, he never stopped the behavior, and he has now admitted to having had 3 sexual encounters as well as continued email communication with a few people.
I asked him to leave and he is now with his mom for a while. We have both been going to counseling for over a year. I am still so shocked because I thought "we" were better. The counselor has now recommended intensive sex therapy centers for him.
I am still not sure what to do. I feel that over the past 5 yrs, I have given him plenty of opportunity to "get over" his addiction of the internet, but now that it has become more "real" and sexual, I'm not sure I can go on. I know I would never be able to trust him.
On the other hand, he really is a good person and a good friend and a good father.
My mind is still numb and I do not know where to go from here. We have a 2 yo daughter. I never signed up for being a single mom. I do not want to be a single mom.
Any thoughts are appreciated.
The cornerstone of addiction recovery is the recognition of the problem (We admitted we were powerless over blank, and our lives had become unmanageable). If he wants it bad enough, he will address it by seeking help.
Sorry for what you have been through.
My H has a porn addiction, which led to me finding out about what he only admits was an emotional affair, but I have reasons to suspect that it was also a physical affair. It's very common for online addictions to escalate into acting out in real life. But unfortunately for me, my H still isn't being honest, either with himself or with me.
I know it's hard to think of yourself as being lucky right now, but in a sense you are very lucky that your H is admitting to his problems and willing to seek counseling for it. That gives me hope.
I also have three young children, so I understand how devastating it is to think of your family being torn apart, and the logistics of trying to be a single mother. It's scary. So my advice is to not make any major life decisions right now while the pain and shock is still so fresh. Give yourself a little time to catch your breath. It's very understandable to want to just throw up your hands and walk away after all you've been through. Nobody could blame you. But you might want to give this intensive therapy a shot, for your daughter's sake if nothing else. If it's not enough in the end, at least you'll know you've tried. I think some counseling to help you cope with all this would be a tremendous help, as well.
Whatever you decide, you will find so much support here. You came to a good place. Sending you lots of hugs and strength~
My heart is definitely not there yet. That's what I'm struggling with the most.
You know what? Being a single parent is better then staying with someone who doesn't respect you or your wedding vows.
You have to decide what kind of life you want-living without trust is the hardest thing to do.
Sending you support!
I suppose the best advice I can give you is to think positively because it is a very powerful thing--even though you don't feel like it. Find your own happiness, so that you don't need to rely on him for that. Also, decide what you want. Do you want to work things out or let it go? Is he showing signs of wanting to work things out still?
Lots of hugs to you. :)
My wife didn't start with internet chats and the like, but she ended up going to them after her affair with the first guy. With the first guy, despite all the pull of electric energy between them, she did give into oral on his last day in town, but while part of her really wanted to, she avoided having intercourse. A small consolation, to be sure. But between that and the second affair, she went online and got hooked on sex chatting. I believe this destroyed whatever morals and boundaries she had which kept her from totally letting herself go with the first guy, so that by the time the second guy came along, she had little resistance to anything. It was a forgone conclusion they would do it all, and they did. Including falling in love.
Your situation seems pretty bleak. It is possible he can change, but it will be very hard on him and he'll have to want it bad enough to get through the temptations, find the mindset that simply says, "NO" with no thought of allowing anything to happen. It may take no computers in the house. It may take, if there are, parental controls on all of them. It may take keyloggers being on all computers and checking them regularly. IOW, don't make it easy for him to fulfill his desires.
None of those are foolproof, but if he is committed to the process, they may help to prevent things from being easily accessible. Just like an alcoholic doesn't want wine and beer sitting in the fridge. The easier it is to get, the more likely he is to fall. It sounds like he still has easy access to stuff. Also, he can't have a smart phone, or one that goes on the web. He only needs the basic phone if any.
Like I said, it will not be easy for him, and the likelihood of him failing is probably much greater than him succeeding. But you'll have to determine if you want to give that a shot. I would give yourself a couple of weeks to a month at least to process what is going on and where you are with all this. Let the immediate flush of emotions pass by. You may still feel the same in a month, or you may feel you want to give it this one last go. But if he wants this to work, he'll have to make some drastic changes with his access to the computer for the rest of his life. Once he's addicted, he has to totally stay away from the "drink."