Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Hello everyone!
I am in need of some infidelity in-law advice. I’ve been googling this subject and haven’t found much.
Backstory: I found out my husband had cheated on me a few years ago with his sister’s friend. She was never around much initially. I never actually met her until after the affair. I traveled for work and found strange messages between the two, he lied and denied it for years. He continued to message her frequently and went down to see her weekly while she worked (she is a bartender). I found out through someone that finally grew a conscious (only a few years too late…) and my husband finally admitted to sleeping with her. We have been working through things and it’s been going OK. He has since stopped talking/seeing the girl, etc.
We live in a small town. I’m from a big city and often don’t understand small town dynamics. This girl is from a wealthy and respected family and has a similar personality that matches the stereotype. His family and I have always gotten along very well. However, in this situation, his family has not only been supportive of this girl but they have actually gone out of their way to make sure she feels comfortable and have been completely unsupportive of my feelings. She is continued to be invited to holidays, parties, family outings, stopping down to visit with her while she is working, and they even put up photos of her in their family photo collection. I’ve asked them nicely to remove the photos and to create some distance because it makes me feel uncomfortable, which they were very supportive of and friendly about, yet nothing has changed. When my husband confronted them and asked, they told her that she is part of the family, but just not allowed to come around while I’m there. It’s frustrating because they continue to engage with her on a weekly basis and make comments about how she is a great person that I should be nice to because she didn’t mean it, and I would love her if I just got to know her.
It feels like they are trying to sabotage my marriage, they would prefer her to be married to my husband, and truly don’t recognize me as family like I thought they did. However, when I’ve mentioned this, they genuinely don’t understand why this is a problem with continuing to have her come around and “be part of the family”. We have children together so I don’t want to cut them out of their lives completely, but I’m at a wit’s end for what to do at this point! I’m so sick of trying to move on and being continually slapped in the face with the girl my husband slept with and being told I should be OK with it because it was a few years ago and it’s OK because she’s a great girl.
I’ve confronted the girl and asked her to be respectful of me/my marriage and the damage caused and to stay away. She feels bad but responded with several entitled statements about being close with them and that'd be like asking her not to talk to her family again, and does not see a problem with her coming over because she is in a relationship with someone else. Am I overreacting on this issue?
Sorry for the long message! I’d love to get some feedback on what to do from here though!
The next time you are scheduled for a visit with the in-laws, your H has to ask if the mistress will be there. If he is told yes, then he has to speak up and say he and his family will not be coming. Period. End of discussion
For these people to diminish your feelings when you are is wife is showing you total lack of respect. Your H must stand up to them.
He should also tell the ex-mistress not to come. Period. No discussion.
If your in-laws do not honor your H's wishes, then invite them to your house to see the kids. Or meet at some neutral place. You are not keeping them from their grandchildren. You do not have to tolerate how they are elevating the tramp and denigrating you. Not acceptable!!
They will continue to do this until your H mans up and defends you.
It is a type of power struggle. Good luck!
Do you live in the South? I'm from NY, and I married a lovely southern girl. I got along famously with everyone in her family (as well as a NY'er can, I guess). My wife had an affair, our marriage crashed and burned, and I became persona-non-grata almost immediately. They circled the wagons, and kept me out. My wife and I reconciled, but things between me and my inlaws are strained. From MY side. From THEIR perspective, it has all blown over and we are one big happy family again! (NOT). Plainly, I do not understand people from the south.
You are working things out with your husband. That's great and I commend you for it. But your husband needs to understand that YOU take priority over the entire rest of his family. As between you and his mother, father, sister, brother, etc., YOU are #1. And let's be clear about it: He didn't JUST cheat, he carried on an affair, then lied about it, and now is not doing 110% to make it right. C'mon.
Tell your husband, "Babe, it is my way, or I'm hitting the highway." If he and his family continue to make excuses and include the other woman in their lives, well then YOU are the piece of the puzzle that doesn't fit.
This girl is such a branch and if it has infected the inlaws then that branch needs to go.
How your H responds in terms of respecting your wishes vs parents shows how much he has changed if at all.
His parents are enablers. Drinking buddies of an alcoholic.
If my son cheated with someone in our family friends circle I would be severely disappointed with my son and would cut off the family friend he cheated with immediately.
They not only betrayed their spouses but my trust by being a co-conspirator to my son's crime. Why would I want that type of influence in my family circle?
A spouse is supposed to protect and help their spouse thrive. He failed at this in the past and you need to evaluate if he is willing to make sacrifices this time around to be the spouse he signed up to be.
Start by saying how you are working on your marriage. With the support of your family blah blah blah... however... this person is such a great person to f$&k my husband repeatedly that this family has honored her with putting out her picture. I would go on to say... I am sure if she was sleeping with my Father in law my MIL would make sure she wasn’t welcome any more...
do you have children? I would tell them if things don’t change as of today, they will never see them EVER again without a court order.
Shame on them!
From where i sit (way, way far away from the South and NY), your husband is not being respectful to you. He may not "want" to talk with his family, establish appropriate boundaries and enforce them...but who got him into this mess? Exactly. Clean it up, hubs. He made the mess, he should deal with it...NOT YOU. Your "dealing with it" makes you (1) his enabler and (2) a bitch--neither of which are characteristics that will make you feel secure or safe with him. [I know of what I speak---I am working with our MC to stop enabling my H and protecting him from his stupid life choices. I work really, really hard on holding my boundaries and enduring his wrath (really) for myself and my kids.] Your husband appears to be letting you do the fighting because he is unwilling or incapable of "X". He owns his behavior. Not you.
Providing my life experience to you leads to this is the simple equation: He had an affair with a woman of his choosing + he lied about it + he uses your feelings for him to shield himself from the natural consequences of his behavior + he allows (yes, allows) his family to disrespect you = ENOUGH.
Take pictures of your kids and send them to grandparents. Copy special school papers and mail them to grandparents. Send a lovely handwritten note that says, in a very gentile way, that personal contact will resume once their son takes responsibility for his marriage and learns to respect himself and his vows. Until such time, please know "our house" is open to visits, blood family only.
If he doesn't/can't/won't support you in this, find a lawyer. Get back to MC. Get serious about taking your life back because this is not about his family. It is about his lack of integrity and lack of respect for you. ENOUGH.
Many blessings and fortify your boundaries.