Hi.

It appears as though he does not want to face the affair, and what led to it. IMO, the cheater must face themselves before a relationship can heal. His retail therapy is a band aid. It happens to be a very common way that people cope with their emptiness.

Let's look at this objectively. He simply has unaddressed issues that impact you. Change is difficult. Unless he makes a huge, concerted effort....it will not happen. The first step, would be him admitting his problem. He appears to be a long way from that.
You can either accept it, or detach from it.

I don't want to oversimplify it....but that is really the two choices for you.

You mentioned that you tell him that you should not be together after an argument. He is conditioned to that. He does NOT believe you will do it. If you DIDN'T after an affair....why would you after an argument. THE BEAT GOES ON.

YOU ARE NOT A FOOL. Stop labeling yourself. You are an imperfect human being that has been hurt.

If you CANNOT accept his behaviour, and it is affecting you.....then YOU have to make the change....not him.

I am experiencing the same lack of fortitude to make......and stick with a decision.

Let's NOT beat ourselves up over it.

Peace

I am in the same place as you are. My husband's affairs were 15 months ago. He had both a physical and an emotional affair with two different women at the same time. Over the course of the past year his behaviors have stayed the same. It has always been about meeting his needs. Two months ago he blew up at me....again....and I decided that enough is enough. I told him "what about MY emotional needs?" I always thought it was the one who had the affair who should be bending over backwards to assure their spouse that they're remorseful and changing. Not so in my marriage. It was me who continued to try and make sure he felt needed. My H is extremely insecure and extremely needy. No matter what I do, it is never enough. It is so mind consuming trying to fill his needs, and it just sucks all the energy out of me. Men like my H and your H are narcissistic and can only see their own needs. No matter how much I give, it will never be enough. I see that now! I have a good support system in family and friends, and they all can see clearly what is happening. They've helped me to start seeing him more clearly for what he is, and how he is. Do you have someone you can talk to? Coming to these boards was a good thing to do. I have really been comforted by others' words on here. I'll have to say that your situation is the one that reminds me the most of mine so far, so I can totally empathize with you.

Do things to build yourself up. Be around people who care about you. I went into "hermit" mode for awhile because the feelings of anxiety just kept me from getting out. I'm better now and plan on getting myself strong. You and I deserve better than this!

My H use to throw in my face that "maybe we should just get a divorce"... He actually told me in (late) October, right after our anniversary, "get a lawyer baby!"... Sure shocked the shit out of him when I said "I have.... she's just waiting on me to complete the paper work. I turn it in tomorrow..." All of a sudden, he wanted to "work on our marriage'. After his death, his GF told me he told her and her friend, his 2nd fwbs, that he had talked me into staying and that we had agreed to a "marriage of convenience"... I tried to be nice when I told her, "well, I guess he found it convenient to fuck me all day long after begging me to take the day off from work so we could work on our marriage... He said he needed to feel close to me and needed to be with me... That he was scared if I went to work, I'd meet with the attorney and I'd leave him... he told me he loved me and didn't want to loose me and begged me to never leave him..." I was feeling pretty angry at that point and told her that before he left on Friday to spend the weekend with her, he started a fight with me because I refused to have sex with him both Thursday and Friday. I told her I knew he would be spending the weekend with another woman so there was no way in HELL he'd be touching me again... That it pissed him off that I told him no. It made me sick to think he was leaving my bed to go to hers and vice versa, and that I don't share things like that... She told me she knew he was angry with me, but she didn't know why... She had been told that we were no longer sharing the same bedroom, much less the same bed. I said, well, he lied about everything else, why not this...

You're not giving up if you walk away. It sounds like there really is no relationship to begin with. You have to take that into consideration. You're the only one working at things- it takes a team to be in a relationship.

He doesn't want to face up to what he did and it doesn't sound like he has addressed HIS issues at all. Do not let his issues become yours.

You just know when its time to go. You deserve to be treated well.

There is no shame is walking away from something that doesn't work. No shame at all. No failure in saying, 'Hey, this isn't right for me and never was. I need to see that.'

That't not failure. Not in my book.

He's not watching out for your heart with comments like that. When you hurt, he decides its appropriate to stick the knife in a little deeper?

L~