It sounds like he does not want to accept responsibility and wants to move on like it is normal.
I would suggest to him to try couple counseling.

I was married for 18 years and found out that my stbx had many affairs. Some one night stands, some fooling around, others emotional affairs. The last emotional affair, he finally left us (me and our two children) to be with the OW. They have been together for the past 8 months that I know of. They were likely together before that, but he will never admit to it. He had previously admitted to affairs, but came clean as much as I could tell, but yes he too just wanted it to go away. Unfortunately I made the decision to forgive and trust again and its my own fault. I don't think he ever really truly understood what I went through and how hurt I was. And i think that is why it happened again. Don't get me wrong, I think that he felt guilt and probably punished himself, but it really killed my spirit and self esteem as I didn't deal with it properly. If you feel like you want to move on, then go with your gut. If you don't feel like he is really all in on your marriage or that the potential exists to cheat again then why put yourself through the pain. In the beginning I was crushed and I really wanted to work on the marriage, go to marriage counseling, everything, but my stbx didn't want that. He wanted his freedom. Now that I am doing a bit better, I don't think I could ever trust him again. Follow your gut....what does it tell you.

This is wrong on so many levels. It is like your H is doing everything WRONG instead of a few things right and some wrong like most people who have cheated:

"My husband is not very forth coming on the details and it frustrates me to no end."

The only way you can heal from this and heal your marriage is if he answers TRUTHFULLY all your questions, over and over again for as long as you need to talk to him about all this. He has to be completely transparent, admit his wrongs, not hold you one tiny bit accountable for his poor decision to cheat, and going forward, you have to have no secrets in your marriage. Otherwise, it will never survive. He needs to tell you the REAL story, not another version that he will be changing later.

"He's all to happy with just forgetting it ever happened and move on. I wish I could do the same, but he's not the one with all the images, text messages, phone calls, and pictures on his brain."

He needs to realize how painful and damaging this was to you. The fact that he wants to just sweep it under the carpet and move on with no regard for your feelings and what you need speaks volumes. And he probably does have images, etc. on his brain, but strangely enough, the ones you have on your brain may very well be worse than his perception of these things.

And here's another thing, you wrote:

He has also confided in at 3 other women about me and how he was feeling, which he describes as feeling left out.

This is a huge mistake--confiding with others of the opposite sex about problems in your relationship/marriage. This is how emotional and potentially physical affairs begin. This is exactly what led my boyfriend down the road to cheating. He needs to stop this behavior NOW! He needs to talk to YOU about what he is feeling. And if he needs a friend to talk to, he needs to choose a family member or another guy friend. Geez!!!

So like Distance said, I also think you guys need to get into counseling. But be careful to find a MC that is pro-marriage. Many are not so much.

I am going through a lot of the same. My wife herd an affair that lasted almost ten years. She like your husband is having a very difficult time dealing with her own guilt. If you truly love him and believe he still loves you. You on your own can turn things around. You need to look to counselors who have been through it successfully long term. Forums are great for advice on how to fix your car, not your relationships. Reading through all the posts on here (mostly negative) will just turn up your anger. Don't do it.

All of this totally sucks. My H's behaviors were similar. Turns out he was pretending all the while. He wanted me AND the OW. I was doing
all the "work" to keep the marriage alive.

My advice is that you both go to individual counseling. Later you can go to marriage counseling. In my case we went to the MC before my H went to see a T. All he did - for years - was lie to the MC. What a waste of time and money, not to mention HOPE for me.

Right away you need to read the Chump Lady. She has a blog and a book. Buy the book. You will recognize all the behaviors of a cheater, and hopefully, you will see all the things you should NOT do.

I did all the things you should not do until I wised up. Get a post-nup, too. You have to be strong and stand up to your H. Do not buy into his bull shit. These cheaters are such good liars, so good at messing with our emotions. They take our attributes and use them against us.

Good luck to you. This isn't easy.

Thank you all. We have been to a counselor, but unfortunately not the right one. I'm on my own here if this is going to work at all. I'm still talking to my husband and trying to point out what I need moving forward to make this work

I too was 'on my own' when it came to dealing with the reconciliation. Some time after discovery day, my CS read one page of one blog, and basically called it a day. We spoke intensely about the matter for 3-4 weeks, until a crisis with his adult (if you can call her that), daughter emerged, pushing ours to the back burner.

I felt that the more I wanted to push him towards reading and being proactive, the more resistant he became. I knew that pushing was not going to lead to satisfactory results, but instead, lead to more grief, worry, and desolation.

I could tell he was remorseful for what he'd done, but it hadn't sunk it just how devastating it was for me, and like most CS's, they believe that in order to move beyond, you have to start with a clean slate. The only problem is, there was a lot of muck on that slate.

So I let it be known what was not acceptable to me, what he had to do right away to start the reconciliation process, which was to go no contact, and to realize this OW was poison to our relationship. There were a few boundaries which had to be set, as he didn't understand triggers, but was willing to allow me this.

With that behind me, I started to work on myself, and doing anything that could distract me from feeling sorrow, and build up my emaciated confidence. It took nearly a year to do that, but during that time, my CS saw that I was doing my part, attempting to move forward without rubbing any of what he'd done in his face. This garnered his respect, and allowed him an opportunity to be somewhat introspective about the infidelity, instead of pushing it out of his head.

CS's who want to move on without dealing with what they've done are in a state of fog transference. They go from being in the fog of having an affair, to being in the fog that it didn't happen. The depth of their involvement in their dalliances, will predict how long it will take them to climb out of the fog, and to some, their involvement has fogged them so much, that they are never able to come clean in their current relationship.

So as long as your spouse can respect your boundaries, realize that what he's done is completely wrong, all his fault, and has completely cut ties with his past, you may be able to reconcile successfully. He must then become completely transparent with you and not keep anything hidden from you, ie internet, working odd hours, getting together with buddies on a regular basis, etc., anything that will cause you triggers. He must know that if he cannot abide by this, in order for you to heal from the ordeal that he caused you, that you may decide to terminate your union.

I also found that seeing a therapist weekly, helped me become stronger, and it gave me an arena to speak about all the things that lurked in the depths of my mind, that I couldn't possibly talk to my emotionally unsophisticated husband.

Regaining trust and true forgiveness will take a long time, and will depend completely on his actions. You have every right to know exactly what's going on from this day forward, and if he doesn't realize the seriousness of this situation, he will be the one losing out.

I wish you well.

He has no fear of loosing you,that's why he isn't being honest. Really, think about it. If he gets to carry on as normal after a 6 year affair, why won't he do it again or carry on. Your pain isn't enough reason for him to be honest.

I suggest you read up on the 180 and I would suggest he reads how to make your spouse heal from an affair, but I'm not sure he wants to help you.

If he isn't remorseful where do you go from here ?
Many unfsithful spouses are in IC AND MC, but they are still in affairs and just going through the motions. I just want you to know what could be happening, I'm not trying to cause you hurt.

You've been married a long time, do its not that easy to up and leave, but if your husband knows you feel that way, he'll take advantage of that fact.

Perhaps even have a consultation with a lawyer to see how things might look for you, in case you consider D. The knowledge if this, could shake your husband up a bit. Or even if you don't see a lawyer, you could have him think you are and get the same effect.

So perhaps write out a list of lawyers with telephone numbers are leave discreetly where he can find them.


Are you sure the affair is over?
Are you sure it wasn't longer than 6 years ?
What makes you think he'll be faithful in the future?

I don't get the feeling he realises the extent of your pain. Can you say what he has done to show how sorry he is? Or does he act entitled to have this affair?

I can tell you, that if you just go with the flow, he'll still be in this affair. You don't just cut someone off after 6 years and you will be in false reconciliation.