Going to both at the same time would be ideal, but MC may not be very profitable until she's open to exploring what went wrong. As long as she's in defensive mode, it will be hard to make MC work. In that sense, you may have to settle for IC now, in hopes that it will get her to a place where she is ready to let down her defenses.

If she's open to it, the book, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald could help her see the light. At least worth a try.

It has been suggested to me, and a suggestion I took, which did work for me, MC will not be effective until you have done IC. You need to know yourself and work threw your own issues before you can bring them to MC. That until you are able to really see how the affair, or everyday marriage stuff effects you, what your part is, or not is, what you want, don't want then it can turn MC into a "told ya so" or one party becoming withdrawn because they are fragile themselves unable to express or even know what they are feeling. WE first must heal ourselves, then MC works. It is suggested to do IC for one year, Then explore MC.

IC is almost more important than MC. in the IC you can work through your feelings and thoughts with out any pressure or need to hold back for the sake of the relationship. That being said MC is still highly recomended especially if you are going to rebuild. This will help find that common ground and move forward as well as heal the past.

Well I'm just going to repeat what the others have said. Ic for each first then in time mc will be a must. Don't waste time and money when she can't be fully invested in it. But don't assume mc is out of the mix. It really should occur sooner rather than later.

You could ask if you could join one of her ic sessions in a few weeks and if she could join one of yours.

Thanks for the advice and suggestions.
Cole, She will not sit down and read anything. Well with the exception of FB stuff and text messages from eveyone but me! Seems she doesn't always get my texts. HUH?? VENT!!! GRRR!!

Just, Its been a year now in IC and on monday she wrote me a letter describing that she feels worthless. First time this has happened! Positive sign.. Her opinion and or suggestions are ignored or discounted. Both inside the household and out.

Distance, We have not been the best at communication and probably the #1 reason we are at this point in our marriage. Initially I was focused on forcing my views of all the things she was doing wrong on her through MC. Not taking much responsibility for failures and what I was doing wrong. I have had the blinders removed and forced to look at myself in the mirror. I am not a person proud of what I am. Now I feel just to talk I need a neutral party (MC) to interpret what I am saying.

Pink, I will definitely think about inviting her to one of my IC sessions. Ill talk with my IC first to see how she feels about doing this.

Many thanks to everyone for taking the time to post here and also the other places giving me support.

We were advised that we should have MC and each have IC at the same time so that we could each work on what we went through in MC. It was very expensive but very very worth it, for me, the BS.

Like you, my wife felt attacked. I guess the cheater does not like to see the hurt that they have done. They prefer to blame us in some way and block out our feelings. The MC validates what has happened and brings to the surface what infidelity causes. IN fairness, a good MC will let the BS know where they may have contributed (not caused) the cheating to happen.

I know that my wife felt not only attacked but that the MC was just WRONG. Of course she did. IC worked a lot for me because I worked on me, i worked on my issues in our marriage, i worked on where changes that I make could help us. But it takes two to tango, and it appeared that my wife was not really working on us in her IC. She stopped IC at some point feeling that she had no issues to work on anymore, and this was while we were still in MC. It was a pretty solid signal that MC was not going to progress any further for us since my wife would no longer (or if she ever did) own her behavior.

I think if you can afford it, both are needed. I also agree with others saying that IC is as or more important, but if you are doing IC during MC, you are still working on yourself and your own issues with the benefit of working through the brutal shit that comes out in MC sessions.

As I have told my shrink that I am still seeing, I feel that the only thing that I got out of MC was validation that I was not the cause of her affair, that I did have my things to work on, and worked the shit out of myself, so personally I experienced greatly from doing both. My wife sadly just is a person who feels she is always right, others are always wrong, and the same applied to her affair, it was my fault. From that perspective, there was very little for her to work on. And while in MC the therapist can get focused on specific things since both sides are being heard in the same room, in IC the therapist only works on what the client wants to work on. No telling what my wife wasted our money on in her sessions, except she seemed to certainly know a lot about the divorce that her therapist was going through, his wife being a real bitch of a woman that plays tennis at our club that my wife had a run in with on the courts. lol. money thrown right out the window with hers as far as I am concerned.

Ahh letters. I love letters for those points when communication is difficult.

Respond to her letter with your own letter. Tell her what you just told us about not seeing your faults in the marriage (not the affair, never the affair). Tell how you feel about the importance of communication. Take ownership in your part of the poor communication.

Keep the letters non attacking and short enough to keep her interested and stay on point. Request a return letter. Save these lettered. Even copy yours before you give them.

As the letters get easier so will approaching sensative subjects in person.

I love letters too, and communicating that way and even via email allows us to communicate without being interrupted. Just always be aware that letters can show up in court one day. Not to rain on a parade here, just be careful. :)

"Cole, She will not sit down and read anything."

Is this because she is not a reader or because she doesn't want to read anything about affairs?

If the former, I know Amazon has an audio version of that book she could listen too. But if she's in avoidance mode, no guarantees that she'll wake up and smell the coffee, but you never know what might end up getting through to her. That book starts out helping the CS to "get it" about what the BS is dealing with. It's woken up at least one other CS I'm aware of. And it is not a long book.