Thats cool Keep moving forward

It's really up to the individual. I found that I was better off getting divorced because I couldn't lower my self-respect, in my opinion, to stay with someone who lied and betrayed our vows. I would rather have been alone with my dignity then staying married, second-guessing him and every move he made.

Talk to a therapist and work through your feelings. Of course you feel this way!!! Why wouldn't you?

But get into marriage counseling. It is a safe place for you to let him know how you are feeling AND he NEEDS to know how you are feeling!!!

If you are going to heal, he has to be the one to help you heal. It can happen.

Oh, my, gosh, I had the same thoughts. I had wanted to put in different plants in the yard and had ideas for what color to paint rooms in the house. Then I found out he was cheating, and all of a sudden, I wasn't sure if I should invest in that stuff any more. What if we were going to put the house on the market in a few months? I wanted to keep the house, but I'm a stay at home mom, and I wasn't sure I could afford it. My thoughts about what to do always had the caveat of what if we're not together soon. We are in counseling now, he has not had any contact, and we are working our way back, but I'll always have that thought in the back of my mind. My marriage is not the always and forever I once assumed it would be. I have worked on myself over the past 9 months, and I will probably always make my decisions about my life and my future with the idea that there's a worst case scenario, and it involves me providing for my family and taking care of myself without him. I have a lot more confidence now in my ability to do that, so a lot of the fear and insecurity is gone. But it is gone because of how much stronger I am. It takes time, but the only person you can really change is you. You can't control anyone else's actions, but you can control how you react to them. Don't rush yourself. You have all the time you need to decide you need and want from your life and your relationship. And you are entitled to change your mind in the future.

I know what you mean I went from being a big time "planner" of the future to not being able to do anything for the future like shopping trip planning etc with the constant question of, will we even still be together I might finally give up. That and the fact that in some ways it was hard to buy gifts or do stuff for her. So now I plan much shorter term. Her birthday is this weekend normally I plan a couple months or more ahead to go away for the weekend, buy a small gift, and arrange flowers, now it is different, I last minute reserved a hotel (well I did it a week ago but to me that is last minute) but I specifically noted that I can cancel the reservation right up until the day, not that I think we will be separated in days but now its like you just never know, will another bomb drop, will I finally just decided I cant live with what she did? Also there is the chance that I just wont feel up to it, something or things will happen that put me in a place where I dont think I could do it. With Christmas shopping the before Dday I planned way ahead now I haven't even started, I've ordered a few things for the kids but have done nothing for no one else, I live much more day to day, which some people prefer and do anyway, it is just odd for me.

Just like you I never imagined ever wondering, do I love her. I do care about her and I can say that I do love her but I also can say that I am not "in love" with her now, for me I differentiate there. I still love her like I do family, we have been together for so long and built a really good life (except for the affairs of course) but that "in love" feeling is not there, it may be that I just wont let myself fall back in love with her and yeah trust, it isn't really there either. I have not caught her in any recent lies and I pretty much believe she is now who she appears to be but with all that happened I cant just trust and believe. I hope the Holidays can be as good for you as possible I know for me, and I'm guessing most of us here, the special days bring about their own extra hurt.

thralkr yep I get that to, it is so great (but sad) how you can read peoples stories and thoughts on here and see just how similar peoples reactions are, makes you feel less crazy about yourself doesn't it. Prior to Dday we were building our "dream home", I did as much of the work myself as I could to keep cost down. It was about 90% finished when things came crashing down and ever since I have struggled very hard to do anything more to it. I have done a few things that were kind of necessary for insurance or to prevent any damage to what was done but there are so many little things still left to do, like finish work stuff, like a couple closets, painting, a deck etc. Occasionally I get up the ambition and start into something but then thoughts like, how the hell could she allow us to have two kids and build a house together all while carrying on a secret life, or why bother do this now only to have it be of no advantage to me if I decide to leave. I decided very early on I would just walk away from everything if I left, I would give her the house with no expectations, for one its doesn't feel as much like "our home" or "my home" anymore (some of the cheating happened here) and it would be a financial burden upon whoever got it anyway, it is a very big and expensive house which was well within our means a two income family but would be hard as one. Plus it is still "home" to our children and my job if I left would only allow me to have them with me a couple days a week. We have managed to do a decent amount of outside work, my wife has taken up gardening and is really getting into that (much better hobby than her previous one ha) and I enjoy being outside and that type of work that I have been able to make myself do that stuff.

It is very hard to go from having your future kind of planned out to living day to day and like you said go from a relationship that you thought was an always and forever to a maybe. Sounds like you are doing well and I hope someday I can get some more of that strength and confidence you are finding. I do absolutely subscribe to your "dont rush" point of view though, I am in no big rush now I always have the option to leave when/if I just cant deal with it anymore and I am in no hurry to make such a big decision, as long as I feel my kids are happy I will keep trying.

Yes I know exactly how you feel. I find it very difficult to plan for future events/ big purchases etc. because always in the back of my mind is the thought that we might not be together for much longer. We are trying to work it out on our own and I feel at last he is making more of an effort but only 2 weeks ago I was on the verge of leaving... I am 14 months from DDay and my emotions still go up and down like a yoyo.

Don't rush any decision, wait until you feel there is no other option. I hope it doesn't come to that...