Two years ago, the night before my 20th birthday, my boyfriend of over a year got a phone call around nine at night. He shrugged it off as being spam, but there was such a rotten feeling in my stomach... 

Preface: About a few months before that, we had made the decision to go through each other's phones once and never do it again. I went through a photo app on his phone and found nudes of his ex. That was tough, but I still stayed, reassured that it wouldn't happen again. I never cared to look through his stuff anymore because I was afraid of what I would find. 

Back to original story: I did not want to go through his phone because I just knew it would be bad, so I made the decision to look at his calls. I saw he deleted his recent call, and I went to his texts. I saw all these texts between him and a coworker, it made me sick. I remember in that moment feeling dizzy and like I couldn't get enough air. My cheeks felt warm and it was just terrible. I read through the texts, I wanted to call her, but I screamed out for my boyfriend. My voice was weak and once he saw his phone in my hand, he knew right away. I remember I pushed past him, threw his phone, and immediately ran out of the apartment. I called my best friend and I cannot remember a word I said or she said. I just remembering crying. I was lost because he had just moved to this neighborhood. I had helped his mom move his stuff while he was at work with that other woman. My phone died and I finally went back to the apartment after a long while. 

When I got back, he apologized and cried. I packed my stuff and was ready to go, but for some reason, we wanted to work it out. The first thing he did was tell that other woman and she was upset at him. When I asked him why he cheated on me, he said she pressured him and he couldn't tell her no. I asked for how long, and he said two months. I asked about the sex, and he said they had unprotected sex a few times, but that he couldn't always get it up with her. I still don't know how much I believe with him. 

After everything, that feeling of betrayal never goes away. If he gets spam calls, my stomach sinks every time. He'll always show me, but he acts like it's such a chore. As I type this, I always wonder why I stayed or why I didn't do anything different. I also wonder what happened to that other woman. I wonder how she didn't know he was taken, or if she did and didn't care. The more I think, the more I feel like I stayed because I didn't want to start over with anyone new and I didn't think anyone would like me or find me attractive. 

Being cheated on, it really sticks with you and it brings up so much paranoia, suspicion, and insecurity. I've stayed with him and it's been a little over three years now, but I'm just unsure sometimes. I think he is too.