Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Everything has been good for now except that I get overwhelmed by thoughts.
Last week when he went to the city on a service call i started panicking that maybe he was seeing her so when he called i asked him and he said no: i'm not seeing her, i don't want to see her , i don't want to be with her. He then told me all the places he had been to and who he spoke with.
Monday i cried the whole day with another overwhelming feeling that he loves her and wants to be with her. I called and told him how i was feeling. We were on the phone for 2 hours. These are some of the things he said.
He said he is sorry for cheating. He knows it was wrong and he wishes he never did it. He doesn't know what to do to fix things with me.He told me he doesn't love that bit@h.He told me the affair was all his fault and I am not to blame for it.( i asked him). I said to him that i dont want him to be with me for convenience and because you would be lonely otherwise etc. He said he has told me many many times that this is where he wants to be ,with me and nobody else and that i'm the most important person in his life and he would do anything for me. I told him it's hard to believe him because of all the lies . I told him that we never talk anymore. He said that i'm the one who doesnt want to talk and i'm always upset. He talks to me and never respond .( this is true because i'm always upset).He said he doesn't know how to make things better. I said idk either. I said i want things to be better bewteen us and be the way we used to be and he said he wants the same things but it's up to me because he is ready and willing but it seems that i am not.
Other than my anxiety, things have been going pretty well. he's nice . Yesterday I went with him on a service call into the city and we did some shopping and ate and he held my hand while driving so we had a good day.
I feel like i'm stuck in an obssessive state and can't move on. I know it hasn't been long . I think my H is right that he's ready to make things better but i'm not. It feels like i need to be reassured everyday but I can't ask the same thing everyday to get the same response. I don't think it's healthy.
It appears that he is trying to reassure you. But he also did a lot of damage.
I know you are struggling. A therapist will help.
Why don't the two of you take a vacation? It might help to go to a new place, do new things, eat different food, see different sights, etc. It doesn't have to be a big trip.
Storm, a vacation is a great idea. We were thinking to go back to Ecuador because we loved it there, but that will be in the fall. In the meantime I think we will go to my mom's which is about 8 hours away and we'd stay at a hotel . I think it would be nice.
However, it is something you really need to process the affair and your life.
A third party like a therapist or people in a forum like us would talk against him and he would lose control over you.
His lies and manipulations would be exposed for you to see. It's threatening for him.
I was thinking yesterday about what you said that he would persuade me not to go. He's been telling me this for years " you can do anything you want. I'm not stopping you.
You are free to do anything" He doesn't say it in the way of " I don't give a hoot what you do". He is just affirming it.
So, I've been wanting for years to open up a little bakery store. He's always persuaded me from doing it. A few months ago after I found out about affair, I looked at places to rent and told him I want to rent something etc. He said it would be too much work for me. I said I know but maybe we can hire someone if I make some money.I know that he is right that it would be a lot of work. He told me it would be better and easier to do something related to his business. I said I don't want to do something with your business,I want something on my own.
So idk if he is saying this because he really believes it would be too much work or just doesn't want me to do things on my own.
It's part of his gas lighting and manipulations.
He says one thing to affirm you. "I love you" "You can do what you want and have your freedom" "I only want you as a partner"
....and then does the exact opposite.
He cheats on you, doesn't allow you to do what you want etc...
He controls you with his words and you believe him, even though all his actions shows the opposite.
He then realizes that you will believe whatever he says regardless of how he acts......and therefore it emboldens him and gives him confidence. to live in duplicity and control you further.
The more dependent he keeps you financially and emotionally, the less likely you'll smarten up and leave him.
He's Kathy Bates in the book/movie Misery and you are James Caan.
I told him to stop talking nonsense and I honestly had no idea why he said that,but I think I understand now.
Someone just needs to create a mental/emotional prison.
One that you don't even know you are in so you never think of leaving.
This isn't love, it's possessiveness. Like a child who sees someone playing with one of his toys that he hasn't pick up in ages. It's not that he treasures it but just doesn't want anyone else to have it.
her--- sometimes I think that men really werent designed to be with one woman- like is it
realistic to think that they are not going to be attracted to some one else?I gave up on this crap.
Like you can spend half your life milling over where is he does he want her etc etc, It can make you
mental- seriously I have been there, You will NEVER be at peace until you let this shit go. The
truth is you can cheat too, but your better than that.If he is not man enough to come to you and
tell you honestly what is up- screw it. You have to be mature enough to release this to the Universe.
In other words- mature enough to say- Listen, if this is what you want I am okay with it. We need to
peacefully release each other.You cannot spend a percentage of your life in an emotional turmoil
It is a private hell to do so.You will feel soooooooooooooo much better when he realizes you are so
f----- over him
I did leave him for 2 days about 3 weeks ago. Idk but i think he realized he could lose me.
It's like stabbing someone and while at the same time telling them you are protecting them.