I talked to him about our distance, last night, cried, and told him my feelings. I feel like he is only tolerating me. But I am just trying to be ok, and not lose it. I tease him, and tell him Psycho turns you on. But in reality I don't want to be like that anymore. I am trying to better myself. Because in recent arguments I have went to the extreme with my emotions and couldn't control how angry i was at him, and just let it all out. I told him some pretty hurtful things, I didn't mean. Like "yeah im go to work and get train'd" or text him,"don't bother me I'm busy with two of my co workers, in my office," or, "just go ahead and move out, i'm going to start looking for someone else, it won't be that hard." I don't intend on making any of this true, but when I'm mad I want to hurt him. There are times when I use my words to intentionally hurt and feel justified because he cheated on me, and possibly is still cheating. Once a cheater always a cheater? Right now all i'm doing is hanging on to what is left of our relationship. I'm not trying to save it, just hoping he will see how much I mean to him, and he means to me. I love him, and I talk to him about everything, from work-kids-religion-daily tasks. He don't talk much, when he does it's mainly about the woods, and men stuff. I try to be interested in what he says, and converse, but I don't understand what he talking about most of the time. So he just gives up.
Our relationship has had a strain on it lately because of death, financial struggles, him trying to find a job, or income to bring into the household, my children, family staying with us. Just about everything. I think this right here is a test of how strong our relationship is. If he is cheating on me, and usually if someone is thinking that its usually right. I just need to see it with my own eyes. There is some vague clues that he is, but not concrete. I just cant stop blaming myself for his cheating, the thought, if I am taking care of him, he wouldn't cheat. I know I shouldn't think this way, but that are the words that run through my head. I talked to him about couples counceling, but he denies we need it, and doesn't want strangers in our relationship. It makes sense to me why he doesn't want to go, we live in a small comm.
Are these normal thoughts, or am I just insecure, and needy, which I don't want to be, i feel weak in spirit, because of all that is going on. I've given him my heart, and my life. Why is he not taking care of what I have saved all these years.