Marriage counseling can be helpful in getting the conversation going, as long as the MC does not try to sweep the A under the rug. In one of the books I read it was suggested that the BS write down the questions they have and have the CS either answer them verbally or in writing. I tried that a bit, but got evasions. There are several very good books that helped us make progress."Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass is excellent. Another one that sparked conversation was "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. Most CSs underestimate the pain caused by their betrayal so they have little or no empathy for the devastated spouse. These books helped to open my H's eyes to the damage that his A had done to our marriage and to the pain I was feeling.Unless the CS is able to develop empathy and understanding through open and honest communication, the relationship is unlikely to heal. That is just a fact, there is no way to reestablish trust without complete honesty. I am so sorry that you are facing this, you are not alone.
[[[ Hugs]]]

Sorry for you troubles. All relationships have conflict at one point or another there just is no way around that.
My wife hates conflict to but she took our relatively calm marriage and threw all sorts of conflict in it with her affair. I am usualy a very very easy going guy and very seldom got mad before her affair. I am back to that state now not happy like before but calm in life really.
The thing is that sometimes conflict can not be avoided and with out it problems can just fester turn to resentment and eat away at you.
So if there is something that you two need to talk about it is just better to face the conflict and try and grow and work together than it is to just avoid the conflict just because it is not comfortable.
Hope that helped some.
Wishing you the best.

Sometimes life hands you a bowl of bruised cherries. They don't look so good on the outside but you know there is goodness on the inside. To get at the delicious fruit that you know is there, you have to delicately peel away the outer layer, with a sharp paring knife, one by one.

If your husband cannot understand that a dull paring knife will lacerate the fruit leaving it edible but unappetizing, then he needs to take his knife in for sharpening. If you find that your knife also cannot delicately peel away the blemish, then seeking a professional sharpener, can make all the difference. A trained psychotherapist can help you sharpen your tool so that you may get to the delicious fruit and start your healing.

I wish you well.

I know how hard this is, too. I have millions of questions for my H and he just shuts down. He says that taking about the A will just set us back. Of course, as we BSs all know, this is not true.

I think it's more of a case of his not wanting to deal with the pain he has caused.

I do think that going to a MC is the best thing, having a list is always a good idea. Giving the list to the MC might work, too, so she can be
the one asking the questions and will know how to press your H when
he ducks the question.

You can always go to him and tell him you want to talk. I've tried doing this and it was successful - to a point. I set the stage and
we went to a quiet part of the house with no distractions. I poured us both a glass of wine and told him plain and simple that there were things I need to know. I think it's best to have an agenda of sorts.
This is where I went wrong - I pressed too hard and asked to much at
once. Better to just ask a couple of questions and leave it at that until the next time.

I think that most of us will never have the answers we want and need to have. This is what I am struggling with and it is hard, very hard.

Hi, I found this site in 2011 when I discovered that my H was having an affair. It was devastating to say the least. I thought I would die just from the pain.
Fast forward to today and we fought the long hard painful road to rebuild our marriage. Now , don't get me wrong, it (the affair) will never go away, it is a part of our life and our relationship is scarred. I still hurt at times, but little my little life has gotten better. We both grew and learned a lot about each other.
I want to say #1 He and you must talk about it. Of course he doesn't want to. My H got drilled over and over and over, night after night day after day...you get the drift. He was willing to endure what he had to for our marriage. He hated himself for what he did. But he did it and had to take responsibility.
One book we used at first was "Getting Past the Affair" by Douglas Snyder, Baur and Gordon. We went to individual counseling , then marriage counseling, we went through Retrouvaille which really saved our marriage along with our hard work.
I also go to Al-anon which has helped me to work on me.
We are better today, but I am still working on letting go. It takes time.
I hope you can get your H to talk, it is a must!! That book is a good start, it helps to ask the right questions but it is a long road.

I asked the same questions over and over and over. I can talk about it without so much emotion attached to it. It can get better, there is hope.