Infidelity Support Group

Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...

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/ Infidelity Support Group

I need help, I don't know why I lie.

matt2001
matt2001

PLEASE HELP! I have been with my incredible girlfriend for 2 years and we both want to spend the rest of our lives with each other. For the most part our relationship is amazing and we love each other so much, however my behaviour and lies have put our relationship in jeopardy. Roughly 6 mnths into our relationship she found out that I had been having online sexual conversations with other women. It took time but we managed to build trust back up until she found out it had continued and I hadn't stopped engaging in this behaviour and continued to lie about it. This was 1 year ago now, so it has been 1 year since I have not engaged in any behaviour where I have messaged another person in a sexual fashion. I have continued to watch porn however, and have downplayed how much I watch it to my girlfriend. Trust was built back up until recently she discovered I had viewed a sexual instagram account and removed it from my search history. She says she doesn't so much mind that I did that, moreso that I lied about it. Then again today, I told her that I had viewed 3 instagram model accounts instead of just one, which I had lied about. My behaviour is gradually improving as I have not watched porn in a number of weeks, but it is the fact that I cannot be 100% honest that is the reason I have put our relationship in such a bad position. The most recent lie, where I told her I viewed one account instead of 3, is so insignificant, as I know she wouldn't have cared if I had viewed 1 or 10, but the fact I lied is the major issue here and I cannot figure out why I lie like this. I need help and I need to figure out how I can take actual action to correct my tendencies and stop lying. Thank you.

Lance09
Lance09
To be honest, from my experience, there is always a reason we behave the way we do. If I knew then what I know now, I would be questioning whether your girlfriend is really doing it for you. Insecurities cause us to hold on to things that may not be compatible with us. I say this from my own mistake that later caused me pain. I hope it helps.
matt2001
matt2001
Thank you for your thoughts. The honest to god truth is I truly love my girlfriend more than words can explain. She is the most loving, caring, supportive person I have ever met and we have so many special memories together. So I do truly want to grow old with her, get married, have kids, everything. I know we are young, but this is truly what we both want. I have not watched porn in a number of weeks, and I am confident that I can continue to abstain, however the issue here is the small lies and secrets and downplaying my actions. I need to have a plan of action to ensure that I do not downplay anything and tell her the 100% truth. Thank you
joef
joef
Matt,
I think you are doing a great job of recognizing things. Porn is such a slippery slope at any age. I think that if it bothers you enough to abstain that shows a lot of maturity. 100% truth is not normal, no matter what others may say. A person's brain is wired to protect and part of that is being selective. I'm not saying lying is good, but it is 100% human. I don't believe there is anyone ever in human history that has not lied. I'm pretty sure that if people didn't lie or hold back some information once in a while we would not exist as a race. That may sound a bit harsh, but what I mean is that if everyone told the truth about everything all the time would anyone trust anyone enough to procreate and keep the human race alive?
HurtingWife
HurtingWife
Matt, this is a tough situation. You sound just like my partner, I truly suggest getting professional help for you and for your girlfriend. Couples counseling can help rebuild your relationship, and a psychiatrist can help you identify your behavior and solve it
catch_the_music
catch_the_music
Porn has power over a person until they find something more powerful. Something better. God has a better plan for us than to participate in porn and then lie to cover up our tracks. My suggestion is to locate a Celebrate Recovery group at a local church. There you will find the group support and ways of thinking to lift you out of your rut. Find a good church where you can learn about God's plan for you! Find Freedom in Christ's Forgiveness - the best forgiveness of all! Watch God change every relationship you have for the better! God Bless! Prayers for your success!