Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
My husband called and confronted me about my transgressions 10:59am 11/22/19. He had tracked my phone to the hotel. For a split second I attempted to hide it but he knew (and I didn't want to hide anymore) so I admitted it. But the weird part is he didn't ask much of anything, and still hasn't.
He said: I know you weren't at your sister's house
I said: I was somewhere else. We need to talk. I'm so sorry. I love you so much.
I couldn't even bring myself to say "hotel". Neither of us said "cheat" or "affair" or "sex".
He was in shock. I said I fucked up. I was stupid and selfish. I said I'm sorry and I love you a hundred times. I said it had nothing to do with him. I said I would take it back if I could.
He asked why once. I foolishly said: I don't know. I talked to you about an open marriage before and you said no so I just did it on my own.
**** I sincerely regret saying that as if it was in any way his fault
He didn't ask anything further. I begged him not to leave me and he just kept saying "I don't know. I don't think so. I love you. I can't imagine my life without you. But I don't know..."
I promised him it would never happen again. I told him I had ended it that day. That I was done.
He was quiet. He just kept saying "I don't know".
I begged and sobbed to talk in him in person. He said he had to go back to work. I was hysterical and said I was coming over anyways. He agreed to meet me for lunch. He had already ordered our favorite shared meal when I got there. We just held each other while I sobbed. He didn't shed a tear; but he never does.
He said: People make mistakes. I think we'll be ok, maybe even stronger. I love you. I'm not going anywhere. I'm hurt and I'm betrayed and I can't believe this is real. It is like a kick in the gut.
Through the whole lunch I just repeated how I was stupid, selfish, disrespectful. I took our relationship, which is amazing, for granted. He did nothing wrong. I'm happy with every part of our marriage. I would take it back if I could. I can't believe I hurt the person that means more to me than anyone in this world. I said I would do counseling. He can take my phone. He can LoJack my car. I said I would quit my job (which has me commute out of town a few days a week). I would do anything for him to feel that he could trust me.
He didn't want any of that and just hugged me. He even joked about how he couldn't leave me cuz then he'd have to deal with the pets alone.
I'm was in shock at his response. I still am. He just seems kinda solemn but also like his normal sweet self. He's not acting angry or sad. He's a tiny bit off but mostly casual.
At the end of lunch he said: I have to get you one of those donuts before we leave.
There's a donut shop next to his work that he's been wanting me to try. In the midst of all this, he wanted me to have a mother-fucking donut.
That night, he again acted normal. I was a mess. I forced him to pause the tv and talk. Still, he asked no questions. I said I'd answer anything. But he asked nothing. I said if this is how you need to heal, ok. But I'm afraid that you're suffering inside silently. I don't want you to feel alone and unhappy and unsafe for the rest of our marriage and just put a happy face on. So I'm going to check in from time to time. If you want counseling I'll do it, cuz I'm not trying to be your counselor. But we need to communicate. I know you're hurting even if you're not showing it. We talked for maybe 15 minutes, got into zero of what I did (no when, who, why). Just talking about how we will try to recover.
Several infidelity incidents happened on the tv shows we watched. I wanted to puke. We said nothing.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I’m terrified. He’s acting like nothing happened until I bring it up. We joke and cuddle.
I’m terrified that hes dying inside but can’t tell me.
Is it possible to heal like this? I’m reading blogs of spouses still angry at their SO 20 years down the road then others saying their marriages have never been stronger.
Is this a thing? Do people have affairs, address them this minimally and then move on? Or is the floor about to fall out from under us?
More importantly, how can I help him? I'm the bad guy. How can I take care of him when I'm the assailant? Do I push to get him to talk? Do I let this sit?
How does he handle conflict?
IF you know how he handles things and this is out of the normal, then yes he is hurting bad and doesn't know how to deal with it yet.
It may take some time to hit him with the event. Being open and honest with him and gaining his trust back will take time. But keep up the open conversation, and be ready to tell him anything he wants to know. You might think you don't want to hurt him, but if he ask he wants to hear it.
You also need to do the hard work on why you stepped out. What caused you to make these decisions.
Help others not go down your path of hurting someone they love.
So I suppose this behavior isn’t out of the norm for him but I don’t know how ANYONE can hold it together this well given the circumstances. He makes less eye contact and is the tiniest bit less touchy but for the most part we are our normal, happy selves together living our lives, making jokes, texting all day like we always do. Best friends.
My reason for the affair is pure fucking selfishness. I said back when we were dating that I believe in open relationships because I think sex gets boring in monogamy. I always joked “I can do what I want”. He wasn’t ok with that idea and I never pushed it because I love him and thought it wouldn’t matter. I brought up the open marriage a few more times over the years but he was still not down at all so I always dropped it. Then a year ago an old boyfriend found me. And temptation and selfishness and arrogance won. Purely lust.
He doesn’t deserve this. He truly deserves so much better than me.
My wife had an affair for months that I suspected at the time and partly permitted. I didn't fight it at the time or bring it up. A decade later she confessed to it and we dealt with it and it bothered me, but I moved on in a couple of days and it doesn't really affect us at all. I understand why she had the affair, I don't think she'll have another and if she were she would be open with me about it. It's really not a big deal unless you make it one.
And the fact that he’s standing by me, protecting me, soothing ME, just shows the kind of character he has. The kind of man that I took for granted. The kind of man I may have broken.
It’s been another day of acting like nothing happened. I cry in the shower so as not to upset him more.
I’m afraid to jinx it but I think we’re staying together. Neither of us can imagine our lives without each other. But I don’t want to sentence him to a life of fear and sorrow with me.
He’s devastated. I can feel it.
What can I do for him?
I’m going away for work for the next 4 days. He’ll be alone for thanksgiving. Maybe this alone time will give him time to process and we can talk more in-depth when I come back. Maybe he’ll want counseling then. I hate leaving him but maybe he needs that.
“When his wife is dealing with emotions, her nature is to talk about what’s troubling her. When she does so, her brain produces more oxytocin—which has the effect of giving her a natural sort of high and helps relieve her stress and tension. However, for a man, lengthy, emotionally charged talks can have the opposite effect. A woman who wants her husband to sit and talk may notice that he’s showing signs of becoming irritable. He may be easily distracted, try to “fix the problem” quickly, or just walk away to do something else. If a female tries to talk to a male about their troubles before the man has had a chance to ruminate over them and process them, it can create as much stress for him as it would relieve stress for her. So when a husband and wife do talk, she would be wise to learn to respond to his over load signals.”
— His Brain, Her Brain: How Divinely Designed Differences Can Strengthen Your Marriage by Walt Larimore, Barb Larimore
http://a.co/ciPo7z8
I came back 2 nights ago. We hugged and kissed as normal. Like nothing had changed.
Then last night a scene about infidelity came on the show we were watching. Afterward, I looked at him and he said "what's wrong?" As if it was weird that I was uncomfortable.
I asked him if he wanted to talk now and he said "if you want to". I told him I had read (from the above comment) that women feel better by talking but men can feel worse, so if he didn't want to talk about it that's ok too. But I worry about him. I worry that he is suffering in silence since we decided not to tell anyone else. I worry that he is putting on a happy face and falling apart on the inside. And I hate that we are sitting here and something on TV comes on and we both are obviously triggered by it, uncomfortable by it and say nothing. It just feels like more lying.
He agreed. But said that most of the time he doesn't think about it. He loves me and wants us to heal. He gets angry sometimes when he does think about it. That I broke who we were. That I broke his trust. That he thought this was something that was just ours and the thought of me having sex with someone else kills him.
This is the first time either of us have even said the words 'sex' or 'someone else'. It feels more real. I've been compartmentalizing this affair for so long. Literally, I've gone weeks without thinking about the guy until he texts. I've even texted my husband and the guy simultaneously. Like a sociopath. It was just so separate. One had nothing to do with the other. I am not, nor was I ever, unhappy in my marriage. Not for one second could I imagine a life without him. The other guy cannot even hold a candle to my husband. I didn't even really like him. It was just sex. Purely just sex. I have not said that directly to my husband. He has not asked directly why and I do not feel it's appropriate or helpful to go into my reasoning - mostly because I don't truly have a good reason. But also, I don't want him to feel inadequate. Is that wrong? I know honestly is part of this but is that kind of honestly helpful?
I said "I don't know what to fix because we weren't broken". He said that there obviously was. He said everything he sees/hears is always that the wife is bored. That her husband is boring. He looked so ashamed. It broke my heart even more that he's actually taking blame. I explained that he's not boring. That I love our life. That this is absolutely in no way his doing.
I explained that I was reading how to help him - to let him talk when he wants to, to be completely honest with any questions he asks, to give up all privacy, to not be defensive. I explained that I would handle this however he wants - counseling, just moving on like he's indicating, quit my job to be home, anything.
He said he would never ask me to quit my job. That seeing me so happy with my job makes him happy. And that maybe us having some separation (as we've been locked at this hip since we started dating and people always joked that we are addicted to one another) is good for us.
He said he was good with what we're doing. Living our lives together as normal and just checking in now and then, talking it out and seeing where each other is at. He joked that I did this because I like to ruin beautiful things and then laughed "this is why we can't have nice things". He went on how I'm his best friend and the closest person in his life and he could never imagine us apart.
Somehow we talked about intimacy. How I was afraid to touch him too much because I'm afraid I disgust him. He said no. He said he was ready. We took a shower and I sobbed into his arms. He held me so tight and kissed me so hard it was actually a little painful. As a man who rarely shows emotion, it was heart-breaking and also hopeful to see him express something. We made love like we used to and I've never felt so close to him. Like we're handling the death of a loved one together. Our past couple-ship is dead and we have to start anew. We love each other beyond any love I've ever seen. So maybe he's right - maybe I do have to destroy beautiful things. Maybe I was too happy. My many years of therapy and breaking down my childhood traumas have taught me that I thrive in chaos and seek to upturn any calmness - from previous dating, to politics, to friends, to work. I finally fucking did it with the most important aspect of my life.
I will do everything in my power to make sure he always knows how loved he is, how respected he is despite how deeply I disrespected him, and how sorry I am.
It's cathartic to get this out even though I know most of the people reading this hate me. It's understandable. I hate me too. So to all of you who have been hurt by assholes like me, I am sorry to you too.
You caused this pain for him, and you cannot undo it for him. You cannot control his healing, its duration or nature, and you can only do so much to help. There are parts of his psyche that may always remain damaged, his self esteem, his manhood, his trust, his heart.
It may be that his upset will start to surface in time. Denial is the first reaction.
It may be that he himself had or is having an affair, and doesn't want you to find out.
OR it may be that he has seen a lawyer and is planning his escape.
At any rate, it is my opinion, as one who was betrayed, that he owes you nothing...no emotion, no talking, no counseling, nothing. But I do suggest for your own mental health, and the possibility that your marriage may survive this or you may ever remarry, that you get in-depth counseling for as long as a year to explore why you justified doing what you did. It was a mistake, and you can talk about all the reasons why it did not happen, but you need to explore WHY it happened and the fact that you caused it to happen with your actions.
You caused this pain for him, and you cannot undo it for him. You cannot control his healing, its duration or nature, and you can only do so much to help. There are parts of his psyche that may always remain damaged, his self esteem, his manhood, his trust, his heart.
It may be that his upset will start to surface in time. Denial is the first reaction.
It may be that he himself had or is having an affair, and doesn't want you to find out.
OR it may be that he has seen a lawyer and is planning his escape.
At any rate, it is my opinion, as one who was betrayed, that he owes you nothing...no emotion, no talking, no counseling, nothing. But I do suggest for your own mental health, and the possibility that your marriage may survive this or you may ever remarry, that you get in-depth counseling for as long as a year to explore why you justified doing what you did. It was a mistake, and you can talk about all the reasons why it did not happen, but you need to explore WHY it happened and the fact that you caused it to happen with your actions.
anything - is what I am trying to do. I am reaching out here, in books, on websites, to counselors because I acknowledge that I am at fault. I'm not sure how that came across as me trying to control him or me demanding to be owed anything. I think your own anger is coloring your interpretation of my experience.
And given that you read what I wrote you should have seen, in no uncertain terms, I stated that I am in personal counseling.
And yes, I do think my marriage will survive this. I'm sorry yours didn't.
In fact, continued it once discovered. She tried to make it like it was over.
It was, until it wasn't.
So finally, after literally years of hiding her behavior she coughed up that it wasn't a one-time thing. It was a decade-long affair.
So i was done.
We divorced. But even still, I was so traumatized that it took me several years to exit.
I'm glad I did. I could not respect her cry-cry act. It was all just self protection.
My wife was intimate with another man and unfaithful to me on 11/22 as well so I felt I should reach out to you. She flew to another city to visit a friend, and met her college boyfriend in a hotel (also married) who she reconnected with over the course of 3 months and set up this liaison - apparently she loved him all this time 23 years - 15 of which she was married to me. I found out about two weeks ago while fixing her iphone, and like your husband, am going through a healing process.
Sounds like you have a great guy, and also sounds like he understands there is something wrong in your relationship. In my case I asked too much of her (and myself), and my excessive drinking was a problem - we both feel pressure of having 4 young kids. What she did was wrong - and she knows it - but I also know she needed an escape from the daily pressures of married life with children, as sometimes I do when I drink.
I can tell you from personal experiencer that forgiveness of a spouse for infidelity, can bring your love to another level. I often thought as a theoretical exercise if anything could make me stop loving her, and my answer was always no, but this type of incident would be on the top of the list on toughest to forgive and move on. I realized she was in a tough place as a working mom 4 years ago when she wrote a mock suicide note on some paper in her room, but I was not there to support her. In the grand scheme of things if you truly love someone unconditionally this an affair while a serious breach of trust that needs healing, is much better than a spouse becoming ill, addiction, or suicide.
I am reminded this Christmas season of St. Joseph who at one point thought his betrothed committed adultery, and rather than stoning her - which was considered a just punishment at the time - he forgave her immediately and loved her unconditionally.
I hope everything works out for you and your husband and please say a prayer for my wife and me,