...and it's my fault. I failed. I wronged and hurt the most wonderful woman I've ever met. I cheated on my wife-to-be multiple times over the last year. I don't even know who I am anymore. 

Our relationship encounter some communication issues and I internalized my problems rather than conversing and working them with my partner. As I internalized, I stewed. We were engaged and some part of me wasn't sure about getting married. I decided I needed to try to be with someone else to see what feelings that experience elicited. I hadn't been with many women aside from my fiancé and was relatively inexperienced dating-wise. Our relationship issues made me think "is marriage supposed to work like this?" It was hard. But I loved her with all my heart. I would have done or given anything for her. The side of me that wanted to explore other women seemed like a whole different person. I ended up cheating on her and lying about where I was and who I was with. I also continued to speak to the woman I cheated with for months on end and carried on a pseudo-relationship despite the fact I had no feelings for her and never planned on seeing her again (she lived about 1200 miles away). My fiancé found out around Christmas time when she logged into my Facebook and saw incriminating messages. I couldn't even come clean then. I continued to lie about it. 

Our engagement became kind of murkey going forward although she was kind and loving enough to stay with me and help me work through this tough time. There were some restrictions placed on me and I, to some extent, felt like a caged animal. I can't fault her for demanding those restrictions - it's my fault she needed them. In any case, that all made me think that there is no way any of this could work out in the long run. As such, I was in the relationship with one foot in and one foot out. There was no question I loved her and would be happy in a life-long relationship with her, but the state of affairs then was unsustainable. I lied to my friends and my family about what my status was with her. I lied to her about my willingness to move forward with the marriage or re-integrate her into my life. I got on a dating app and went on a date, which she found out about. More recently, I met a girl overseas who came to stay with me at an apartment I got behind her back. It's all ridiculous. Writing this, I can't believe what I was thinking. 

To to make matters worse, I found out my fiancé was pregnant about a week into when the girl from overseas was here. At first I wasn't sure if she was serious, but it became evident later on that she was. And that she needed me. I didn't fulfill my duties. I failed. My life was out of control. I felt as if I was watching outside my body, totally out of control of my decisions. I felt trapped in a box of lies and indecision. I didn't know what I wanted. I loved her, but wasn't sure how Togo forward on that. 

She has now told me she's moving on and if I love her I should let her go. I understand what she's saying but I love her so damn much I can't just let go. This isn't a "let go" kind of love. This is great love. Love you chase. Love that makes us crazy. But it's love that's too special to let go. I'm going to get myself better. Stop lying. Stop cheating. I always knew before she wouldn't leave me. She loved me. Now I see she's serious about going and I feel like the smallest man on the planet. I feel empty, gutless, heartless, and purposeless. Maybe I needed this to define my priorities and what I really want. Life is about choices and sometimes you don't get absolutely everything. But I do need her. She's my soul mate. 

Help me, please.