Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
So, my story is long and complicated, but my therapist thinks it would be good for me to post and discuss here. Obviously, by the title of my post, I don’t feel like I belong here, but that’s because my wife didn’t mean to be unfaithful. This sounds confusing, but it is true. I guess I should give a bit of background to our story. We are both the same age (only a couple months apart) and we grew up in the same area (with the exception of me living in Florida for a few years). We started dating my freshman year (I got held back a year) and were married in 2011. The guy that she ended up sleeping with, she’s known him since 2010 and we all became friends in 2011. I think it is safe to say that he’s probably been infatuated with her since he met her. In 2013, he kissed her without her permission. April of last year, he gently raped her, and continued to do so until she was accustomed to it and she began to feel like she was attached to him. On February 2nd, I became aware of their relationship and she’s been giving him a chance almost ever since. We are still together (even though he doesn’t know) and she tells me that she wishes he would mess up (sleep with another woman) so that she can end the relationship. We are both seeing therapists, and I’m trying to help her through this situation. The reason that I don’t feel like I belong here is that I don’t feel like she did this on purpose and he was manipulating her the whole time they were friends. Does anyone have any wisdom to offer me on this situation?
That's not what you're asking and I don't think you're saying "hey, this situation is OK because dude was in love with her..." I think you're saying that the feelings you're experiencing aren't that of a betrayed partner. You don't feel betrayed by HER you feel anguish over the experience she had. (Maybe I'm inferring too much?) It sounds like some sort of support group for partners of rape victims may be more along what you're looking for, but I don't have recommendations for where to find one.
That said? I really admire the support and care you're showing by reaching out and following the instructions of your therapist. There are a lot of people who might feel differently in your shoes and in spite of the circumstances might feel betrayal or a loss of self esteem.
So... here's my wisdom on the situation:
WE ALL GO THROUGH TRAUMA. Every single one of us. The severity and type and the exact conditions are all very, very different, but the feelings are often very much the same. You have, in a way, experienced a loss, just like every single person who comes to this forum - betrayed partners, and unfaithful partners alike. That loss and pain carries a lot of emotions that run similarly in everyone, albeit for different reasons and to different extents.
So... something you may be experiencing that I may relate to as a betrayed spouse?
"WHY? Why did this have to happen?" (confusion/desperate need for answers or explanation)
"What could I have done differently/better/to stop this situation?" (guilt and a need to try to stop the situation from happening again in the future)
"I just want things to go back to how they were before." (a desperate wish to deny the situation)
You may be experiencing a whole lot of anger, too. That anger might be directed toward the rapist, but it's still a samesamesame emotion that runs rampant through here and that's something that needs to be felt fully before you can move past it. Some folks here may have anger at their own partner or toward the affair partner or both, but that feeling is pretty common.
Lastly? Just like infidelity, what you're going through is going to be a path of recovery from loss and it is NOT a linear process. It's also not going to follow some exact pattern where you can just move through A then B then C and it's all done and great and wonderful. What it will be is more circular where you may keep cycling back to certain emotions or thoughts before you can finally cycle out of them for good and where your path is going to be uniquely yours.
Also: just like everyone else here, YOU WILL MOVE PAST THIS. No singular situation stays that way forever. Life is full of waxing and waning and you'll see that the pain and fear and frustration and loss that you're wrestling with will shift and change and you WILL heal - so will your wife.
I'm so glad you're both seeking help and hope that you can find a good support network for yourself - here or elsewhere.
Allora, you are correct about what I’m thinking. I know that the sexual abuse group has welcomed me there, but I will also look for a group for family of victims. The really crappy thing about this situation is that she framed the situation as infidelity at first, so I did think that it was me at first, but I’ve learned a great deal since the beginning of February. I’d like to think that I’ve always been caring and supportive of others, and I know that therapy doesn’t work unless you try, so I’m trying. I can’t say that the feeling of betrayal and the loss of self-esteem aren’t in the back of my mind, but I know that they aren’t founded in reality. It is true that we all go through trauma(s) in one form or another throughout our lives and the emotions are much the same. All of the things that you said that you could relate to I’ve felt except for denial. I’ve definitely experienced the unique, non-linear/cyclical path of recovery already. I know that this too shall pass. I’m focused on that fact and keeping the future in mind. Thank you both for your help and kindness. May peace and love be with you. <3