Stay-at-home mom's contribute a great deal!!! I was a SAHM too for 10 years and raising our children and being for them 24/7 is priceless!!! We cook, clean, help with homework, pay bills, grocery shop, run errands, take care of pets, attend to our child's every needs, etc. Does he not realize how much he would have had to spend for childcare/daycare if you'd not have been there to stay home and raise your kids? You ABSOLUTELY did contribute...a great deal!!!

Just consider the source. He's a cheater and by nature, they're very selfish people. It's all about them. It doesn't surprise me that you wants to belittle you. My H does the same thing to me. Criticizes and belittles me all the time...still. They think they're entitled to it somehow. I feel like I gave up the only good job I ever had to stay home with my daughter, but I am so glad to have had that time with her. It's something you never get back, so being a SAHM was something I'll always cherish. I'm back to work now. My H had an A with family too. I understand exactly what you're going through. I'm not divorced yet because financially I can't leave yet, but...I'm heading towards that.

All I can say is...selfish people seem to never change. It's all about them and what makes THEM happy.

What an asshole.

Really...this is court ordered. This is not up to him or you, it's court ordered. So, he has no option to pay it, he HAS to pay it. You know why?

Because the Courts are smart enough to know that this is a long term marriage, that spouses who stay at home to raise kids are equal partners and contributing, that this is often mutually agreed upon by the partners in the marriage...period.

Look into 'an order to compel' or 'contempt' forms. If he had a time limit to pay this and has not, he is in contempt of a court order and can be forced to pay.

As far as your discussing this with him? You are divorced and allowed to hang up the phone. Feel free to discuss your kids. But this? 'I guess I'll have to see you in Court.' Then hang up.

Me? I have had this kind of argument with my EX. 'there are medical bills for our daughter and your portion is SSSSS....' He would say, 'I don't agree that I should have to pay that 'for whatever reason...' I would say, 'guess I'll see you in Court and we'll let them decide.'

He always lost...because, at the time of divorce, these were the terms that he agreed to. The Court expects people to keep thier words. Even if we know most don't.

I hope you hear my advice and get your money.

Sending you support, L~

...and...

it doesn't matter what bullshit he's spouting now, he'll still be ordered to pay it.

Jerk...

L~

You contributed more than him and you better believe that! I too am a SAHM and I know I put in more time and effort with little break. Your children see what you have done and they are the fruits of your labor. They will repay you one day. Because of you your son is in college and your daughter will too one day. They will respect that you were not the wife that stood by as their dad abused your love. They may not see it now but they will. Can you imagine your daughter being in this same situation and calling you to ask for advice??? You can tell her how you got through it and that she does not have to be treated that way.

Sending you support!

This is just him once again trying to belittle you. And this is where you once again get to tell him that you deserve better. No one knows better than you how much you have given towards the care of your children and him before you divorced. Look yourself in the mirror and say "I am a STRONG, BEAUTIFUL woman. No one can tell me otherwise."

If you were court ordered to get your part of the 401K through QDRO you need to go back to your atty. and see if they have filled out the QDRO forms and sent them to the court to be approved.

The forms have to be sent to the plan administrator and you should be receiving a ton of paperwork on this. Papers stating they received your court order, how long this should take. They will split the acct. and put your portion aside for you until everything is done correctly. Your ex can't do much with it until this hs been settled.it can take from 6 to 18 months for this to be finished and you have your own acct.

I have been a SAHM for most of my 14 years with my H. When he was having his A that was part of his logic. I couldn't do anything well enough. Apparently, bills, shopping, chores, kids all took care of themselves while I sat on my butt and watched TV and Facebooked. He told me that he felt like he was nothing more to me than a paycheck.

We all know what it takes and the amount of time spent keeping a home and raising children. I salute those that work and still do all of that on top of it. I think this is part of the brain sickness that helps justify affairs in general. Obviously, my H found out exactly how much I loved him after I continued to stay with him after I found their sex tapes.

You were his wife and you did what was agreed upon between the two of you in your relationship and you didn't break your vows. Let him pay and don't feel bad or guilty about it because he says hateful things. Huge hugs to you!!!!!!!

Ok, I've moved into the tooting my H's horn phase of rebuilding, so that was my disclaimer. From the minute my H and I got engaged, we were a team. We opened a joint bank account and everything was ours. He even bought me a car when my death mobile died on me. When I had my kids and became a stay at home mom, yes, he wasn't a big help with them, but NEVER did he ever make me feel that I wasn't contributing. I never had to justify purchases or feel guilty about taking out money. His money was our money...period. You are sooooo much better off not being married to a man that didn't value all of your contributions! Grrrrrrr.

If he was court ordered to share the 401 K with you then you need to hire an attorney and have him file a QUADRO so that you half will be separated from his. You may not be able to do anything with the money until he retires, but it will be yours. You will also be qualified for about half of his social security when he retires.

I'm a SAHM and my husband used to say that I didn't contribute anything either. Being a SAHM was a mutual decision, by the way. He wanted it that way! Then I guess he thought his sluts were better. One had a job, the other was unemployed and drug addicted, who may or may not have been still married. I was home taking care of our family. One of my children had serious health issues, but according to h, I was useless.
It's all bullshit. By saying we don't contribute made it easier for them to screw around. They looked for and placed faults on us. They wanted to help themselves feel better for being scumbags, so they had to keep us in a negative light.
It's amazing how they all say the same thing.

Trisha9054 pretty much said all there is to be done about the redistribution of the RETIREMENT funds. A QDRO is required for such a transfer to take place and it must be done by an attorney. The cost of this is usually split between the divorcing parties, but should be relatively small.
My X dragged his feet on ALL THE SETTLEMENT ITEMS -- I had to kick his sorry butt every step of the way, but eventually all the items were completed.
So make some phone calls TODAY and get this process moving a.s.a.p. AND make SURE that the funds are VALUED based on the DATE OF YOUR SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT (if you have one) and not today's date. I had to almost go to blows on that fine point, but it netted me more $$ because the value of the retirement funds had fluctuated wildly between the date of settlement and the date of the actual transfer. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF -- you surely can't rely on him to do it!

mb...we're all not like that...IMO stay at home moms have the toughest job! No raises, bonuses, promotions little praise or validation from others....yet they have the greatest responsibility...our future.

Hang tough...you're a great example to your children!!

mb - if it's any comfort to you, I was NOT a SAHM. I worked full time the ENTIRE TIME I was also raising my daughter. I never stopped working until the end of 2004 when, upon the now-X's insistence, I closed my graphic design business. He earned more than enough to support both of us and we had NO DEBT -- not even a mortgage -- and my income had become a TAX LIABILITY because it was successful. Yet he STILL INSISTED that I "wasn't entitled to any of it."

Such a bunch of b.s.! I got 65% of EVERYTHING in the divorce AND a healthy Alimony award as well. THAT'S what GOOD THERAPY DID FOR ME! For the FIRST TIME in 30 years, I realized my worth and TOOK MY POWER BACK!

It doesn't make any difference whether or not YOUR contribution to the retirement funds was earned by working outside the home or not. You CONTRIBUTED TO THE MARRIAGE by being the homemaker, cook, laundress, child care provider and his personal concubine! So there!

They ALL try to tear us down when it comes to divvying up the money. You MUST keep in mind that this is a BUSINESS DEAL and nothing else. STOP making what he says or said bother you. It's over. You are no longer burdened by this heartless, selfish, immature man.

GOT IT? Then GET GOING!

Stay home mom of three here- all I can say is what a bunch of crap! And the thing is, he knows better. He's just trying to make himself feel better. Want me to slap him for you? :)