I am new here.
I am a cheating husband. My wife and I have been married for just over 10 years now. Our relationship has been rocky for several years and last summer it came to a breaking point. I came to a breaking point. It had been over a year since we had been initimate with each other. We still got along well,we have a lot of common interests and we own a business together. However, there was a lot of frustration on both parts. Issues in our marriage included sexual performance issues when we were intimate, which led to self-esteem issues for both of us. We kind of really got stuck, I didn't want to address the issue or talk about it whichled her to withdrawing from intimacy and lack luster attempts on my parts. Communication was aweful mainly I did not communicate with her, she felt that I didn't include her in my life. or tell things that went on day-to-day. I felt I was doing what I should do, trying to show and get affection from my wife, but felt my efforts were falling flat all the time. I felt rejected. Turns out that I am discovering now that I needed to communicate with her to get the affection that I wanted in return. all my efforts fell short because I was not giving her what she wanted and needed to feel loved.
Anyway, to make a long story short, early last summer we went for a hike and we did talk about our relationship and how unhappy we were and the idea of trying to date each other again. in order to rekindle the relationship. the idea was also brought up that I wasn't sure what I wanted in a partner/wife and that maybe I jumped into this relationship too soon after my previous marriage ended in divorce. She mentioned the idea of possibly dating other people. Her intent was that we would talk about it more and discuss the ideal more fully. She felt something had to give in order for us to move out of the relationship we had gotten stuck in. She was not interested in dating anyone else, and I didn't think I was. We both were lost and confused.
I made a really bad (several really bad) choices. I began making profiles on dating apps and sneaking contact with strange women. I went behind her back kept secrets from her, during this time we started sleeping in separate bedrooms. I drove a wedge into our struggling relationship. I met with 2 different women during this time. one only once at a coffee shop. The other was an on-going affair with texting phone calls and 4 dates. I would go on dates when my wife was working her weekend job.
Everything came to a head in December about 2 weeks before Christmas. my Wife and I had had an arguement and I pushed for her to make a decision about the status of our relationship. I wanted her to say we were considering us separated so that I could feel less guilt about the AP. I went on one last date with the AP after that arguement. I was not home when my wife got home from work. she tried several times to call me, concerned because she passed an accident on her way home. I was too involved, being intimate with the AP to answer my phone.
That was when things initially came out, and then details slowly trickled out over the next 2 months. I continued to lie about the number of women I talked to and met. I lied about the number of times I met them, lie after lie because I was ashamed of what I did. I didn't want her to know what an aweful person I was. I was ashamed of how badly I treated my wife and the other women. I was hated myself for what i did.
Over the course of the next few weeks I came to fully understand that everything that I felt was missing in our relationship, she felt was missing too. I came to understand that the key that was missing all along was that I was not giving her what she needed to feel loved and safe. As we started talking even when things were very heated, our itimacy increased to a crazy level. We had good days and some very hard days. Lots of tears and yelling and arguing. Lots of hugging, kissing and love making.
So here we are almost 5 months past the initial discovery. About 3 month since the last of the lies and complete disclosure. We are sleeping in the same bed again, most night (sometimes my snoring is too much for her, or she wants the TV on and it bothers me). We have been more intimate in the past 5 months than probably the previous 5 years before my horrible choices. Sometimes there are performance issue on my part. but more often than not everything is great.
I really want to save our marriage and our relationship. She is still unsure what she wants. She wants me to make a gesture to prove my commitment. My coming here is part of that. I am in counseling, of course I was in counseling (with a different counselor) throughout the Affairs. So she does not hold a lot of value in that.
I am hoping and praying that I cn fix things, rebuild trust and love and get our marriage back to a better place and never hurt her like that again.
I would love to hear from others who cheated and fixed their marriage.
Thanks for reading and please don't be too harsh on the responses.
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