Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I am so lost... I cheated on my husband for two years, mostly through texts, pictures, sexting and 5 times in person physically. My AP was somebody i knew from 10 years ago.
The Story:
10 years ago my husband and I were in a very bad place. i left my country and moved to be with my husband. He is a wonderful human being and a man with integrity. I couldn't find a job in my field, and took a job that I was way over qualified for. I was depressed, sad and almost suicidal. To add to this, my wonderful and loving husband was working as a consultant and had to travel every week and sometimes, for weeks at a time.
I met my AP at my job and he was sweet, and kind and caring. He took interest in my wellbeing and lonliness and tried to be a shoulder to cry on. Before i knew it, i was in bed with him. We had a 5 month affair. I slept over at his place once and we went to work together. It felt like a relationship and a partnership.
My husband then stopped travelling as much as his project moved closer to home. We started talking about starting a family. I ended it with my AP and it was an easy transition. I was ashamed of what i had done and swore that i would never do this again. My husband found some emails that consisted of pictures that I had sent to my AP. I lied to him and swore that it was just pictures. I rationalized it to myself because the affair had ended for a while now when the discovery of the email was made.
A month after that, my AP contacted me and tol dme that his wife (girlfriend at the time) was uneasy about our relationship and wanted him to stop talking to me. I was ok with this and we lost all connection.
I got pregnant and we now have two children (9;6).
In 2015, my AP contacted me (after 7 years of no contact) and asked if we could connect. I asked him if his wife knew that he was connecting. He said he would tell her but he needed to find the right time. I told my husband right away and asked him multiple times if he was ok for me to re-connect (I wish I had made the right decision myself, since I knew more of the truth about my relationship with AP than he did. I know it wasn't fair to leave the decision to my husband. It was selfish). My husband, who is a fantastic person, said that it was not his place to tell mne who I can or cannot be friends with. SO... i accepted the offer to connect and went to see my AP. I had ZERO intention of having anything more than a friendship. He admitted to me that he has tried to connect in the past by using fake FB accounts, but I have never accepted requests.
We ended up having sex... and it could have ended there, but i didn't. I kept the 'relationship' going over texts. In total, we were physically together 5 times in the span on two years (2015-2017), including in motel room.
We were texting recently and he took a screenshot of something to send to his wife, as my text was coming in. She found out and thretened to tell my husband. Out of fear, I told my husband. At first, I lied. I told him about the time that i wasn't expecting it and it happened in the car.
Since then, my husband, who is suffering so much, begged me to tell him everything as he is in constant state of dread. It was the hardest thing i had to do, but i told him. He is hurt about the times that sex was planned. He is plagued by the thoughts of me leaving our home, him, my children, knowing that i was going to sleep with another man.
I am embarrassed, humiliated and so ashamed of what I have done to us. I cannot explain why i did it. I wish i had an answer. Everytime I was with my AP, i cried on the way back home, but i always went back for nore, be that in the form of sexting or sex. I can't look at myself in the mirror without hating everything I see.
My husband wants to work at it and i am so afraid that he won't love me the same way. I want him to be well...I am here on this page, fully knowing that i will probably get hate for being a cheater and a homewrecker, but I need help in knowing what I can do to help my husband in this process. I am fully willing and able to be patient through all his hurt and sadness and even hate towards me from time to time.
I feel like a bad person, even though I always try to do the right thing. Well...Almost always. I am so sorry!
Get a counselor for yourself as well as for your marriage.
If you can't do ALL of the above than don't waste your husband's time . He will only maybe be able to get past this and trust u again if u do all this and show true remorse and empathy. Good luck to you both
You sound renorsefull and that you realize now the pain you caused. Just like my boyfriend. But believe me the pain u see u caused him is much worse inside of him. The pain from being cheated on is the worst in the world. However if truly committed SOME couples can get past it and come out stronger if all of the previous things are done from ur side. Don't ever ask him (well not the first couple months) do you love me the same. He he doesn't you betrayed him in the worst possible way. He still loves you but might right now not be in love with you tgats normal due to the pain. Things will have to grow back. So don't ask him for validation of his love at this moment. Jump in it and u will have to reevaluate together in a couple months how things are progressing
thank you for your honest comment. I appreciate it.
you are right, I am one lucky person that he is giving me another chance. I am not sure I deserve it, but I will work to be the person that he needs me to be.
thank you for your comment, it was kind and compassionate, even though I am sure it was hard to give it to someone who is probably like someone who hurt you.
Thank you for your message. My husband, an extremely good man, has not been angry. I feel like he's trying to protect feelings. I don't deserve it. So I needed to hear from people who'll not be easy on me like he has! Thank you once again?
What you can do for him, is to give him time, as in all the time he needs, and that could possibly mean 2-3 years or more. Showing any kind of impatience will be his Achilles heal, so patience and having no expectations of him healing quickly, or moving on from it will be the most authentic thing you can do for him.
Making sure that there are no triggers left behind will be paramount to his recovery, so anything to do with the affair needs to go out with the trash. Reminders of good times in the past, or photos of them, are often big triggers, so steer clear of mentioning good times in the past, or pulling out old photos.
If you want to reconcile in a healthy manner, you must come to realize that the marriage you once had is now dead and gone, and you have to rebuild it without using anything from the past.
He may not be able to love you like he did before, but that doesn't mean that he won't be able to love you. He still does love you I'm sure, but it's been damaged and will take some time to heal. If you're impatient with his recover, it can backfire on you. Don't dwell on it but instead do small things to make you both feel better and with time, he'll come around. The ex cheating spouse that places expectations of wanting things like they were before, or to happen quicker, often don't reconcile successfully.
Not all betrayed spouses resent their ex cheating spouse. We are three years post d day, and there's more respect, love and togetherness than there was before. We love each other in a more mature way, if you can understand that. Our communication is far better, and we are able to enjoy life and ourselves without any mention of his infidelity. If you respect and love him, everything else will fall into place nicely.
Wishing you both well.
However, I forgave him almost immediately and I was hoping we could fix things. The crazy part is that he just did not care for me anymore and he did not want the marriage any more.
If you are really remorseful for what you did and you really want to safe your family and your marriage you have to stop forever and get some help for both of you. I do find important the fact that you regret it but don't seem to be able to control it. There must be something making you do this. There are only 4 reasons/functions for any kind of behavior. ATTENTION/SCAPE/SENSORY/TANGIBLE. Try to find out what is making you risk everything for something that does not even give you complete satisfaction and that makes you feel wrong about yourself.