Hi - I'm new here. Very desperately seeking advice on how to help my SO. Or just any outside perspectives.

Kind of a long story but I feel like context is helpful. We were friends in high school, nothing more. We ended up hooking up in Dec 2017 when he was visiting our home state - he had moved away about two years prior. I am 21F and he is 24M, BTW. We continued talking, but it was pretty much just sexual. He ended up flying me out to him that Xmas. It was mostly just sex, but also a little bit of playing house. After New Years, he told me he had feelings for me, I told him I wasn't sure yet. Obviously I enjoyed his company, but I didn't think we could really have a relationship as I'm in college in one state and he was working full time in another. He clearly fell for me earlier/harder than I did - he is extremely kind and generous, and wears his heart on his sleeve. I am extremely distrustful and find it very hard to let people get close to me (also have a myriad of mental health issues). He is also older, and more serious - while I haven't had many relationships and have been very promiscuous instead. His charm made me feel comfortable and I eventually let myself fall for him. 

Which brings me to the cheating - in early Jan 2018, I had sex with 2 men, and was non-consensually kissed by another. I did not tell him about any of these. He found out in Nov 2018 while snooping through my computer. I honestly don't remember much about what happened with these men. At the time, I was drinking heavily and blacking out a lot of the time. He was, of course, extremely angry. Over the summer, he switched jobs and we moved in together in our home state. He pays for a lot of stuff, too - I would not be able to afford to live with him without his help, as I'm a broke college student with a part time job. 

Right after he found, we went to a couples counselor, but left after about 15 minutes because he didn't like her response. In the week after he found out, he did a lot of bad things to me... Violated my boundaries, wouldn't let me go to school or work, etc. But then - he downloaded our entire text history to his computer and found out that we weren't together at the time. He was very apologetic. One of the things he made me do when he was angry was call various people and say whatever he told me to say. When I told my mom, she was confused as she thought our relationship began at the end of January, after I had visited a second time. This is what I thought too but was afraid to say anything. 

The next few months were mostly fine. He destroyed my relationships with most of my friends, which kinda sucked, but for the most part our relationship was okay. I was transparent with everything, and tried to calm his fears of inadequacy. But in February, he started to get obsessive/abusive again. He decided that I did cheat on him, and that I was going to pay. I tried to leave many, many times. We went on vacation even though I knew it was a bad idea. He trapped me in the hotel room for a week and tortured me. Not literally, but emotionally - he wouldn't allow me to sleep and spent the entire time screaming and berating me. He came up with an ultimatum - I had 3 days to "make it right" - as in, make it so that he had no pain, make it so that none of this happened, erase it, turn back time, etc. He rejected all my ideas, and refused to offer any of his own. Frankly, he doesn't know what he wants. I was very desperate - the clock was ticking and I was not getting any closer. When he allowed me to have internet, I researched how I could make it right. I found, overwhelmingly, that there is no magic pill - it takes time to rebuild trust and prove love and remorse. But he demands the magic pill. Whenever I told him I was worried I couldn't fulfill his wishes, he told me that meant I didn't care. But I do care! He broke my phone, but more importantly, dictated a long list of all my indiscretions and forced me to post it on Facebook. It included graphic detail of my alleged crimes, and a list of all the ways in which he is an outstanding person. As an act of desperation, I added a disclaimer at the top of the post - I asked my FB friends to read, and then offer advice on an immediate solution for making it right.

He wanted me to post because he believes that I am a master manipulator who has tricked everyone in my life into liking me, and he feels like he is alone in knowing the real me. I think he also wanted support - earlier, when he had attempted to slander me to all of my friends, they protected me instead of coming to his aid. Of course, the post backfired. To my dismay, no one offered advice. No one gave him support. Instead, hundreds of friends reached out, worried about my safety. One called the police on us. Two others called my mother and showed her my post - they thought I was in danger and that she needed to know. 

He demanded to read all of the messages before I did. He deleted some, and asked me to reply to specific people with a specific message, clearing him of any wrongdoing and assuring friends that I was not the one who needed protection. He needed protection from me. 

Shit hit the fan when we finally got back from this vacation, and I ended up fleeing in the middle of the night. I left my (broken) phone with him - I had no use for it. He was hysterical and for some reason chose to call my mom - I guess he assumed I would go to her house and wanted to let her know I was coming. I drove until I could find Wifi and Skyped her. He sent me some emails, saying that he was going to the hospital with his family, and that he was very sorry. He admitted that he had been abusive. Even if I am a liar and a cheater, I did not deserve to be subjected to his wrath. He was desperate to make amends, promising he would change. I went back to our house assuming he was going to be gone for a few days. He didn't go to the hospital, and ended up coming home - he said it was only because he had taken my phone with him and wanted to return it. 

His remorse lasted... a few days max. His rage has compounded. He tells me to "make it right." Over and over. Screaming at me. I have dedicated my life to this impossible task - contacting everyone I can, going through pages and pages of Google, asking my therapist, etc. The answer is not inside me - I know that. I have stopped doing homework and going to class in order to spend 100% of my time on helping him. But every single article, friend, family member, clergymember, mentor, and therapist says the same thing: healing is a process. It is not a singular action. I cannot take his pain away because he doesn't even know what will begin to help relieve his pain. All sources agree his behavior is abusive. He has admitted to brainwashing me. Some have said that his unrealistic expectations border on abuse. 

But he still demands instant gratification. Half the time, I crumble. I feel so helpless. I have done what I can. I no longer leave the house, he supervises me all the time. I don't talk to anyone. All I do is try and find an answer that doesn't seem to exist. So when he is yelling in my face, and I do not have the self-confidence to tell him "yes, I can fix you", and try to leave, he gets even more angry. I think that he doesn't love me - he just wants to keep me to punish me. We are both in our own therapy, and are trying a new couples counselor on Friday. He knows that I am remorseful - all I think about is how guilty and ashamed I am, how I ruined everything with my soulmate - I used to be an extrovert but now I barely talk because I hate myself so much. But he demands I take the pain away.

I understand his feelings of worthlessness. I try to help him understand that my actions had absolutely nothing to do with him and do not reflect on him in any way whatsoever. If HE had not publicized my crimes, no one would know, and he really wouldn't have a reason to be humiliated. He asks "why" over and over again, and does not accept any of my answers. There's a lot of reasons, but I don't want to even try to justify my actions. They will never be justifiable. So there will never be a reason that makes him say "oh that makes sense." 

I have spent my meager savings and alienated many family members in my pursuit of helping him. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am going crazy. It feels like the best option to keep trying to find the silver bullet. I am extra affectionate, do all the cleaning (he likes to cook), laundry, trash, etc. Have worked on special gifts. He knows that I love him - that isn't the issue. I am transparent. I answer his questions as calmly as I can, but I start to freak out when he is screaming the same question over and over. It feels endless.  The issue is immediately relieving his pain.

So - can anyone reccomend an immediate way to help him feel better? Thank you!