I'm so sorry tho happened to you. It really I is so disorienting.. Just an observation, it seems like your taking things in the right direction. You are asking good questions and taking care of yourself. She did lie to you and now you cannot take her word for it anymore. It sounds like you're taking a good look at her actions whether it's about the affair or your intimacy with one another. All of those feelings of devastation are totally normal. You love her and she betrayed you. So get tested for STI's, because you never know. It's such a terrible situation and all of us have felt what you're feeling now. You are not alone.

I feel your pain man. Your situation sounds similar to mine. I also found intimate messages and a couple of photos including a dick-pic from him. My wife still doesn't want to talk 7 months on. Frustrating. I also have no one to talk to which is why I'm here.

I can't tell you what you should do. Every day is still a learning experience for me. I have bad days and good.

Right at the start I did a lot of exercise, still doing it now: yoga to get head-space, running for cardio, gym. Punch bags are great to let out some frustration, just wear decent gloves and watch your wrists. I would let rip on the bag then sit and try to meditate afterwards, often not very successfully.

I've lost a chunk of weight and toned up. I look better now than I've done in twenty years. Great for my self-esteem.

What I'm doing right now is putting together a plan. My wife says she wants to stay together and so do I, but she doesn't seem to have anything like a plan other waiting for 'time to heal'.

I'm focusing on me, then my kids. I'm returning to a couple of hobbies that I gave up because my wife didn't like them. I've read some Relate books. I also read Seven Habits for Highly Effective People and found it surprisingly helpful.

Keep talking.

The affair is her fault not yours. You are not to blame.

I would say that she needs to embark upon a period of self-discovery and change, to prove that she won't do this again. She has to work extremely hard to prove this to you.

Read the for the newly betrayed post to get a gist of the FAQs and requirements for healing/reconciliation.

It's going to be a rough first few months. Keep dialogue open and keep he accountable for her communication and whearabouts.

No contact is a deal breaker. Your wife or her affair partner can't work there anymore as they can't have any in person or online communication.

Never let anyone pressure to take psychotropic medication that you don't feel you need.

Beware, in a divorce if one party can prove the other has mental health problems that affects the way the parties are perceived and can even impact custody. I feel strongly that she is manipulating about the anti-depressant. It's an odd request and self-serving.

Your wife is not doing what she needs to do and your gut instinct is telling you that. If you think her concern is superficial, then it probably is. If you backed off and she didn't step up and try to make things right, she's just pretending to care. She hoping to claim she still loved you and just spackle the whole thing over with as little effort on her part as possible.

She betrayed your trust in the most profound way possible. Of course you are angry. You are the aggrieved party. I'd stop with all the cuddling and smoothing things over until you get to the forgiveness in therapy, otherwise you are harming yourself and sending her the wrong message. Make her do the hard work of rebuilding the relationship she destroyed.

We talked some more last night. I shared some concerns, which she would get angry at me for and then turn in to a fight. I pointed out that she was not being fair. She told me to share my feelings, no matter how raw, but would then get mad at me. We have dealt with this kind of issue most of our marriage.
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I struggle with hearing or feeling any true sincerity in what she says. She gets mad that I have a hard time believing a word from her mouth, because she has 12yrs of good history. I pointed out that trust is built over time and blown in an instant.

I am really struggling with the questions. The WHY behind everything. Why would you do this if you loved me. Was there no remorse? Or guilt? When you sent your first pic of yourself, how did you not feel this was wrong? I found too that most all of their physical activities were planned ahead of time through texting. So, besides maybe the first kiss, everything else she wanted and sought out.

But then she turns to me and says she loved me the whole time. How in the world does that make any sense????

And in a twisted way, I am angry that she got to live out and enjoy a stupid fantasy of mine. What guy doesn't have this fantasy of sleeping with another woman. But, no matter how titillating that fantasy ever was, I made the choice, over and over and over again, that it wasn't worth it because I loved my wife and my children and never wanted to bring on the shame and heart ache it would cause. So here we are now, she got to go have the fun, apparently with no perceived consequences, and here I sit trying to pick up the pieces and suffer through the pain. Did she make the choice to do this, (thousands of times, due to every text message, picture message, and then the physical acts themself) knowing that if I truly loved her, I would be there to work through it, suffer the consequences and then carry on?

It's like she is ready to move on, without truly allowing me to grieve. I backed off on the intimacy, not just sex, but the hand holding, touching, hugging, groping. Which is very hard for me because I love my wife and she is HOT! No Question! I backed off to see if it was primarily just driven by me, or if she actually wanted it to. I want it, in some feeble attempt to still feel normal and loved and wanted. But, she fell flat. Distanced. Zero real attempts. I asked that when I am emotional, to please just give me a hug regardless. She can't seem to do it. I have to ask for a hug. Who does that?

So my questions to the group, how can she say she loved me the whole time? How is that even possible?

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Who does that? I can tell you. People who are entitled, selfish, manipulative, liars, and lack morals/character. When they are cheating, these are not the same people we fell in love with and married...til death do us part. They are a person who was hidden underneath, that they hid from you and didn't let you see. Now that the mask is off, they get all angry and refuse to discuss it. Of course they just want to move on and forget about it already. Your pain is irrelevant. When you bring it up, it gets blame shifted back on you. Its WHAT THEY DO. They can change, but they have to want to . Its hard and unpleasant work, Not all cheaters are up for it. I will bump my post to the top of the queue "welcome to the newly betrayed". Tells you what to consider doing and what to look for if you are even considering trying to reconcile. However, you can't do all the work to fix this. 95% of the onus is on the cheater to fix what THEY broke.

It's ludicrous to say that you love someone during the time that you betrayed them and hurt them so badly.

How a cheater understands love is different. They love you for your attributes, the comfort/stability you provide, and how you make them feel.

They don't love you in a sense where they truly care about protecting you and make decisions in your best interest to help you thrive.

Although it can seem like they do because they do things that are seemingly loving, however this is a quid pro quo to maintain what they are getting out of the relationship.

This pattern of thinking is very apparent after D-day when you ask them why they cheated. It follows a quid pro quo thinking pattern where they tell you that you didn't given them enough attention, make them feel special, spend money on them, or give them enough sex etc.

You may have loved your spouse, but from their end it was a transactional relationship to benefit their life, not yours.

The airplane mask analogy is very interesting and I understand where you are coming from, but the underlying logic is flawed from the beginning and ironically it actually details the self deception of a cheating spouse.

The reason that you put on the mask before your child is actually because you are putting the child's life first.

In the event the air is sucked out you will lose consciousness very quickly and therefore you will die and so will your child who can't put on the mask properly him/herself.

What you are suggesting is that you put the mask on yourself first because you need to take care of yourself first and once you do that you can help someone else..

Self sacrificial love is putting someone first to protect them and help them thrive.

It is difficult to say that betraying, deceiving, and hurting a spouse so deeply is possible if you truly love someone. Most haven't done something so damaging to an enemy.

The items that you profess that you love about him are just that. They are THINGS that you LOVE about him.

Again, loving someone is putting their wellbeing first not enjoying attributes about them that give you joy.

So I reaffirm that a cheater has a poor understanding of what love really is.

The cheater apologist narrative just doesn't cut it. Many people are "too lost or too broken" and still don't cheat. Many people deal with FOO issues and don't cheat. Many people suffer financial hardships and don't cheat. Many people have medical problems and don't cheat. Many people (including US betrayed) are dealing with all kinds of things every single day...and still don't cheat. This is utter nonsense. It is a CHARACTER disorder at the very least. People with strong morals and values resist temptation because their own character demands it. You are looking for ways to justify or rationalize your behavior. Go over to the cheaters anonymous board for that type of an audience.

wow, thanks for the backup as I wasn't sure what to say earlier.

One thing I have shared with my wife, and counselor, that apparently sets us apart, is the fact that I actually recommitted to my wife every single day of our marriage to be faithful. She says that she made the same committment in the beginning but allowed her negative thoughts to stew, and build. So when she got this inapproriate, and exciting new attention, for some reason she didn't keep her guard up.

As for myself, I like to think through scenarios and all possible outcomes, both in dealing with my wife and kids, to finance and business decisions. What I mean is, occasionally I might notice another woman, let's say on a business trip. She is drop dead gorgeous and fun to be around. The imagination runs wild, but only for a moment, of the fun that could be had. But I instantly think through the end result. Would it be fun for the night, oh yeah. But is it worth it, hell no! I always looked at the pain it would cause my wife and kids, and likely break apart my family. That love I had for them, even during tougher times, was much stronger than the thrill of the affair. I go through this thought process all the time, and find that it really helps to redirect my thoughts and keep them on track.

As for an update, I have chosen to work through things with my wife, who is now sincerely appologetic and honestly heartbroken. For some reason, she is only now really seeing the actually pain, suffering, and heartache that her actions had caused. It took 2 weeks. She said sorry from the beginning, etc, but I never really felt it was sincere. Our conversations have changed, the tone, the message, and I can now see that she is heartbroken over it all. There are a lot of unaswered questions, like the WHY behind a lot of things, but the phsychology of it all is really weird, like she was not herself. Very out of character and unexplainable.

Regardless, we are now fighting to keep our family together, and we are fighting for the strength of our marriage. My hope, is that we come out on the other end of this stronger than ever. I have great hope for that and will work for that.

I am not just trying to forget it all, as I realize that probably won't happen, but I am making an effort to control my thoughts. This part is not easy, and at moments I do fail and break down. But each day is getting better than the last. I know the healing will take time, but I think we are ready to take those steps necessary to heal both of us, and to eventually forgive.

I have appreciated the feedback some have shared. I hope that the two of us will learn from this experience, and some day, turn our darkest hours in to some hope for others that are walking that same path and comfort them and assure them they are not alone.

she in manipulating you
get counseling
get tested for stds
get a lawyer
fight for as much custody as you can
children will survive and can thrive if one parent is not a scumbag

note to enyla, ap = affair partner = infidelity cohort = betrayal buddy
cheating is betrayal of vows
affair partners are scum

Glad to hear you now Feel she is sincere. It's very possible that it takes some time for a CS to hit their rock bottom. That usually happens once they see the intense pain they caused.
Only time will tell. As long as she's doing the right things and works in herself and supports you through tumour pain. For sure give it some time and see how things are a few months down the road. Some cheaters wirk hard and some get bored by the hard work they have to do and slip down the slope again.
I so understand all the questions you ask yourself in your head. I asked all the same to why? Why dud he not think of me and possible consequences when cheating. I can tell you there is no answer. It's in their character and morals they lack both and they lack empathy. All the 3 things tgat we do habe and stop us from thinking about cheating. All I can suggest is don't focus on these questions as hard as it is not too. There is no satisfying answer and it kept me stuck in the angry phase. I have slowly let go now of those questions at 6 months post D-day. If she keeps up the good work things will get easier down the road. Good luck but keep your sensors open