Read my post "Welcome to the newly betrayed". It outlines what you should do and what behavior you should be seeing in him. How do his actions stack up compared to his words? Few cheaters actually change their behavior completely and become trustworthy partners after lying and having an affair. It can be done, but know that its pretty rare!

The tactic of coming back begging for forgiveness is called "hoovering" and it a classic cheater move. My guess is he planned to move in with Schmoopie and dump you (like his text messages said) but she probably ended up dumping him. Which is why he came crawling back to you (plan B). Do you want to be his consolation prize or his plan B? He said he loved her. Now he says he loves you. No, this is not healthy at all.

He wants a do-over and for you to pretend like this never happened. His apology is supposed to make you just forget all about it, right? Nope. You will never forget. You may decide to forgive in time, but you may not. You hold all the cards about how your life plays out from now on. You are not married to him, so it would not be very complicated to disentangle from this relationship and hold him accountable for child support.

If Schmoops still works at the same place as him, they will continue to have an affair but just get sneakier about it and take things further underground. (burner phone, using apps to message vs texting etc)

Get tested for STDs immediately. Last but not least, trust your gut! Always.

Thank you so much for your reply, it really helps to actually be able to talk about all this.
He told me he went to her because he has no where else to go. They spent the day together and she left the place they were staying to sort out somewhere for them to go .Her partner chucked her out after me informing him of what’s been going on so they were with her friend. When she left he went too and she did try to get back with my other half but he said he wasn’t interested in her. At this point he was staying with a friend and even though he was free to be with her ( I told him we were over ) he told me he wasn’t interested and ignored her calls and texts as he knew she was a mistake. I don’t know if I should feel happy that he had a chance to be with her and he knew he still wanted me or angry that we are in exactly the same position relationship wise as 3 months ago but now I have to live with all this. Their affair was just completely pointless. He says she was young and showed him attention but she got clingy and wanted him to leave me. He said he went along with it because he was scared she would inform me :/ I don’t know if I believe that.
I don’t have the problem regarding work. She actually got sacked a few days before I found out about the both of them so I’m glad I don’t have to see her again and he won’t ever be working with her.
We both got tested last week for STD’s so just waiting for the results. Her partner has informed me she’s a bit of a bike and cheated on him many times so I’m not looking forward to the results.
Thanks again for your reply

He had the complete lack of shame to bring her around yoour daughter while he was cheating

Think of that

He choose to put your daughters long term mental welfare at risk
Or
Maybe he didn’t think about your daughters welfare

Either way he puts his cock before his responsibilities as a parent


When I saw my former wife through from this perspective, the love I had for her went away

A parent that brings thier adultery partner around thier children whilst adulterating is a scumbag that does not put the welfare of thier children before theirselves

I don’t think your husband has a conscience that would allow him to change
I think he is an unprincipled piece of shit that will smear his stink your family forever better to have him put if the house

There are never any mistakes with cheating. It was a decision (or decisions) but not a mistake. The story the cheater tells themselves is that it was a mistake. They didn't mean to. They regret it. They love you (after the fact). But that love was not enough to prevent him from deciding to sleep with her and to hide it from you and lie about it. In truth he did not slip and accidentally fall into her vagina. That is an example of a mistake. What he fears are consequences of these decisions (not mistakes).

Yes I completely agree with that you have both said. My daughter is 3 and she told me that daddy had been talking to her around town but when I questioned it he just told me it was a work colleague and I thought nothing else about it. I feel so stupid :( he’s trying to act normal and I just can’t because I’m so hurt. He gets angry because I ask questions as he says the answers are torturing me but I just need to know :(
If I could trust him again then I think I’d cope but all this was a shock to me so my world is a massive mist at the moment. I have 3 children I need to remain strong for

I believe what he is telling you is not truthful.

You are a parent. If you had had sex with a man once and regretted it, but continued on having sex with him out of fear that he would tell your husband, would you ever in a million years bring your small vulnerable daughter around this person?

He introduced his daughter to her because he was infatuated with her, falling in love, and thinking of leaving you to make a life with her.

I believe something happened that he isn't telling you about. Either she dumped him, he realized she can't keep her legs closed to save her life, or she became suddenly unemployed and he didn't want to support her. Some piece of the puzzle is missing.

We have spoken for hours and hours and I just feel like I’m going around in circles. I love him and don’t want our relationship to end but at the same time I’m absolutely heartbroken and need to move on with my life :(

Nothing he says is truthful. He is a liar and a cheater. He's proven repeatedly that he doesn't care about you or your daughter. Imagine how you would feel if a guy behaved the same way towards your daughter or your best friend. I doubt you'd stand by and watch silently. Don't let him continue to manipulate you with his sob stories. YOU DESERVE BETTER! This time will be tough and emotionally challenging. But his excuses are just that, excuses. No one forced him to do this. I encourage you to spend time with your support system and maybe a counselor. Do what is best for you. Separate yourself from him. Everytime you feel weak, remember that it is his fault you feel this way and know that staying with him will only make you feel worse. Be strong. You've come this far. Remember all the challenges you've faced and overcome in the past. Give yourself some credit. I believe you can do this.

Very good things habe been posted above.
First I'm so sorry your going through this and on top of a miscarriage. U know how much pain your going through for both those situations and to habe that both at the same time is just so intensely painfull.
I'm so glad you got STD tested I keep my fingers crossed for the outcome.

Cheaters ate born liars. Don't trust what they say especially not tgat short after D-day right now he's in a phase where he's trying to say anything to safe up his ass and hide more of the truth.
You kicked him out and from all his options he choose to run right to her. Than miraculously a day or so later he realizes he doesn't want her. If course it could be true but it's also very possible she kicked HIM to the curb because now it wasn't all exciting and secret anymore.

As said wisely by betrayed above an affair is not an accident. No one lands penis down in a vagina to say it that blunt. Tgat was a choice he made time after time. It's sickening to know he was with her in your bed and around your kid just sickening.

You ask can you move on and forget. No you can't ever you nay down the road be able to forgive but never forget. If you work through this together your relationship will be at me the same. It could survive but never the same way.
Be prepared for your extreme crush of your self esteem. Your fear of him doing it afain. You wondering with everything he says if it's a lie or not. You you frantically searching phone and computer in paranoia moods. Tgat wgat your near future will look like if you stay. Is that worth it? It can. Some relationships cone out better and stronger. Most cheaters won't have what it takes and will cheat again. Its a long emotional rollercoaster of at least 2 years to get through this. It sure will get easier in the future. 2 weeks in is extremely short. But you will never forget ever.
If it's worth it tgats up to you working on yourself as this is extremely traumatizing but of course mostly dependant on his actions. The post welcome to the newly betrayed will set out for you all the steps a cheating spouse will have to do to be renorsefull and habe any change of reconciliation. If he doesn't do all steps don't waste your time.
At this point your going through 2 extremely traumatizing and emotional events. There is no need to bake any decisions right now. If you want some time apart ask him to leave you be for a long as you need to set your mind on order. If you want him around fine as well.
No individual counseling for both is a good start and go from there. For now keep your alerts on. Hugs!

From your story he doesn't seem trustworthy or repentant.

I would suggest like everyone else that he is coming back because he has nowhere else to go.

His cheating style and daughter interaction with the OW are signs that he was looking to trade you in.

It also seems like you have a codependency issue and may not have a good perspective on the situation.

Individual counseling to help you heal/sort things out may be required. As well, down the road it may be a good idea to continue counseling to help with your self esteem issues so that you don't end up with another one of these types.

Perhaps this will help. 12 years ago, we too had a 3 year old, we had been married for 29 years , My husband had had an affair in Jan 2005 I found out Jan 2006 It was with a girl That I thought was after our 17 year old son but I was wrong. This year On Jan. 21st My Dday . We have been together 41 years. Married 40 years this March. And No you never forget, you can say you forgive, but I'm of the opinion that Its not my place to have to forgive thats between him and God. I cant imagine my life without him and yet there are days I wish we were apart. but our little girl deserved 2 parents. We had adopted her from Guatemala And we made a promise to love and protect her. She is 15. the truth for me is that I am always aware of the day I found out. My long term memory makes sure of it. He too begged me to keep him and he shows me all the time even too this day how sorry he is for the devastating action that put our lives in the sadness that creeps in every now and then. It does get better as time goes by but even I have trust issues and feel as though I live with a ghost in the bedroom. we are best friends. But we are both 58 now. I have a saying when Im having a bad day " I just want to go home" I want to have things the way they were, I wanted a chance to make things better.. You cant go back but you can make new pathways together,

Thank you so much for your replies . I can’t leave him because i love him. I know I’m a fool but I really need to try :(

Be prepared. The reason he did not go with her when there was the opportunity is because it was not what he was after. It was the danger, the suspense of sneaking around. Once everything was called out and everyone knew what was going on, the excitement was gone and all there was is this messed up chick from work that no man in there right mind would make their partner or wife. Of course he came running back. In all the options he had, that was the best. When he gets settle back into the same old routine, he will get tempted again. There are always temptations and only the loyal can overcome and ignore them. He doesn't have those qualities.

I really hope you are a rare exception and he wants to work on himself to get this crap out of his system for good. But the odds are highly against you and what you have stated about his actions already do not look good. I thought my relationship was one of those, but was terribly wrong. There is only one thing worse than how bad you feel right now, and I speak from experience. That is having this happen to you over and over until you are broken and numb. Not sure if you can actually trust or love again.

If had this to do over again and were at the point you are, I would dig down deep and pull up the strength to kick him as far out of your life as you can. The difficulty that this creates is a lot better than the eventual pain that is down the road.

I am deeply sorry you are going through this.

I am sorry that this has happened to you. I have to agree with tinkerbelle25. My wife and I have two young children. She had an affair with her boss, and then she moved out shortly after I confronted her. Not long thereafter, her boss dumped her AND fired her. We were separated for two and a half years. It was only through a lot of therapy, and the mutual love for our children, that we were able to get back together. Yes, it's a struggle. I encourage you to define the word "forgiveness." I have found that it does not mean to forget, or to absolve the other person of their misdeeds. Rather, forgiveness is about coming to the point where you can say "I'm not going to let this make me angry anymore." It's about YOU not letting the past dictate YOUR future.