Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
I was the cheater, I know, the worst kind of soul. I am completely broken, my husband is broken. I cut off AP two months before confessing. I have had zero contact with AP and will not ever again. I want to help my H heal, he is devastated. Initally after I told him, we struggled for two weeks, then it was like we were stronger than ever. He constantly called to tell me I was his everything, sweet texts all day long. Romantic dinners, we made travel plans and though we discussed the affair and the hurt I caused, we were doing well. I confessed on Aug 4, On Oct. 5, out of the blue he became cold, distant, and angry. He said that he must have been in shock these last 2 months because now he is unsure of the marriage, has too much on his mind and doesn't know what to do. I am being completely transparent, he has access to everything and anything though he doesn't ever check. He says a grown up doesn't need to be monitored. He is still sleeping in the same bed as me, I offered to move out if he needed space but he said he didn't want that. It hurts me that sometimes I feel like I am taking to a complete stranger. We have been together since we were 15, we are now 29. Been married since 2008. He is my everything. I know that I am a horrible person, and that I did an awful thing and might lose my entire world for something that wasn't worth it but I want to do everything I can to help him heal, I have shattered his faith and trust in people. I am at a loss, he is at a loss and I feel so alone, I know he does too. Any advice?
both individual and marriage.
get tested for STDs and show results to your husband.
apologize profusely, Make no excuses..
Know that your assault on your marriage takes a very long time to recover from.
Your husband will go between kissing your ass and shoving you away.
At least two years of recovery time.
Also, there are many resources out there. I messaged you, and can share more if you are interested.
Also on this website are groups called Cheaters Anonymous and Rebuilding Marriage after Infidelity, and you might meet people on there that can help.
My husband really did want counseling either, so I went alone.
About 4 months into it, he started asking me about my sessions and eventually we were having some difficult yet productive breakthroughs.
That was almost two years ago. It's working.
You are human, you are fallible. Although it's hard not to hate yourself at times you are more than your affair. When you feel you are rock bottom the only way you can go is up.
I will tell you that your need to get past this so you can ease your own pain, while important to you is not so important to him. He's in his own timeline and likely with different goals than yours.
Additionally, most men do not want to take marriage advice from the woman who betrayed them. So your suggestions from us to get counseling will be seen by him as more pressure on him from you.
So go without him.
We have to be able to own a destructive and hurtful choice without letting it define us as people. I bet you are actually someone who doesn’t want to hurt people. I bet you are a good friend, family member, coworker, etc., a person with passions and interests and something to offer this world. If you have a close friend to confide in, that person will probably be supportive because they know you are more than just an adulterer.
That's where IC comes in for the CS. Affairs often occur insidiously, as many tiny bridges are crossed and mental gymnastics are used to make it somehow okay. There is often real pain and need underneath, and it's just acted out in an unhealthy way. If you can really tease apart the factors that led you to the affair, you just might be able stop hating yourself.
You (we) betrayed someone and clearly have amends to make. You will have to be supportive of your husband. That's only one part of recovery. The rest involves personal growth and forgiving ourselves (not pretending like it never happened, but actually understanding it and using it to move forward). I don't think it is possible to have a healthy relationship again without getting to that point.
Thank you gravinggirl... I sure hope I can get to that point. More importantly I want my husband too. I can't stand to see him so sad and hurt. He's so good .. was always like a kid, funny and happy.
You have to get your head around the idea that he just may not want you anymore but doesn't know how to to talk to you about it, because he is in a kind of post traumatic syndrome.
To a lot of people who have been betrayed, and I know this first hand, think of the betraying spouse looking like a grenade. That grenade keeps trying to fix things between the two of you, yet it remains a grenade, ready and willing to explode on you in the past. Why should we trust that the grenade has changed its ways?
After you cheat? Tears and blubbering words of remorse are seen as self protection strategies, not proof of remorse or change.
A guy typically CANNOT get mental movies of you and your affair partner being intimate out of his head.
So it takes a lot of working through the anger and hurt -- without your interference.
He may or may not want to continue with you as his wife--and his opinion on that can change minute by minute.
So be patient.