Gabrielle, Its good that you want to fix your marriage and counseling is a good start. You will find that this board is inhabited mostly by BS.You can get advice here, but it will only be useful if you truly want it. I would suggest also posting to the cheaters anonymous board. They can offer you something we BS cant. good luck to you

I think you might find the CA board helpful, but I can speak for myself in saying that I welcome whatever you might have to say here as well. The CA board will give you understanding from the perspective of people who have been there themselves, but this board can also help you to understand what your H is going through.

I'm glad you two are in counseling and wish you both the best. Welcome :)

I am also the CS. The feeling is terrible i know and i only wished my H was willing to go to counseling in the beginning It would have made a huge difference. I love my H more than anyone i have ever known and I hate hate hate that i ever did something so terrible and it hurt him so much. I hate knowing that he is hurting and it is my fault! Stick with the counseling and give him time he is going to go through a lot of emotions that you may not understand. I recommend you have some personal counseling as well, it is really hard dealing with all these feelings of guilt and worthlessness. Best of luck to you!

Gab...I am both a CS and a BS. So have both prospectives. I was CS almost 2 decades ago. Ex did a revenge affair, but not the same. I am now a BS and lost my ex to OW. Scary, because ex told me he never got over my A from almost 20 yrs ago. Not sure if I really believe that as he never mentioned it for at least 10 years.

I can tell you the self hate is self destructive. I don't think I ever tried to work on forgiving myself. Just tried to ignore it. Realized I felt I deserved whatever my ex did to me because of what I did to him.

I have finally forgiven myself because I became the BS. Actually still want to reconcile with my ex, but also know I need to do a lot of self exploring to make sure if ever reconciled (have seriously discussed off and on), it would be for the right reasons and we didn't let his A destoy us further.

My ex wouldn't do couseling in the past. Maybe that would have made the difference. Whatever you do, be open & honest with your H. Even if he hurts him. Don't be on the fence. I was back then and hurt him further. And now he is on the fence. Can tell you that destoys a person. Have actually told my ex to give him and OW another chance. Not because I want him to be with her but because I know as long as he is on the fence, there is no chance for us.

It is very hard position you are in. Most BS could never even start to understand IMO. Because I have been in your shoes, I know how bad you feel about yourself. Make sure you forgive yourself. Very important.

Good luck. Where you are at is very hard.

Can you help those of us who really want to know what the thought process is that leads to the affair? How does the trigger get pulled and why does this happen? A personal response, not the canned stuff from the books. It would really help. Thanks for posting, I know you're hurting too. No one really wants to be here. Please tell, thanks.

XofSwords.....I will answer as best as I can. I felt neglected. I was jealous of my ex's friends. Felt they were more important than I was. I felt I tried to explain to him that felt I came after his friends. Then one day I started a new job.. This guy had a great smile and was friendly. At the time I met him, never occurred to me that I would consider cheating. We started taking breaks together. Talking more and more, but at work location. I was naive, not realizing this was not smart behavior. His attention made me feel good. Talks became more personal...you know, about my kids, his kids, etc. Then conversations became about my issues in my marriage. His with his marriaged. He told me he was in process of a divorce. Then started taking lunch together away from work. Then made plans to get together after work. Honestly didn't think it would lead to anything, but it did. I felt so guilty. My ex actually confronted me that night! And I admitted to it.

My mistake on my part. Was playing with fire and just didn't realize it until I was in too deep. Because of this, I have never since talked with guys that sparked any interest. To this day, 20 years later, I know that was the biggest mistake of my life. But nothing I could do to change it. Damage was done.

Hope this helps.

Don't mean "my mistake on my part" was admitting to A. My mistake was not realizing very, very bad idea to talk personal with another guy that I was actually attracted to.

Your experience makes perfect sense to me. I'm a flirt. I get along with women much better than men. I'm comfortable with them and they've always been comfortable with me. One does indeed have to keep things real because intimate conversations and being a shoulder can lead to trouble in short order.

My wife was on a mission to replace me. No sweet smile or soft, reassuring voice from a friend or co-worker. Dating profiles and contact with strangers. All set up for permanent relationships or marriage. As in no more me. She worked on this for more than a month... diligently. There are people out there who know our children's names, birthdays and just about everything else about us, except for me of course, who neither she or I know.

What in the world is that?

lori, thanks for sharing that. I think that is exactly what happened with my H. He now understands that lunch or coffee with any female is a big no no! I only wish he would have talked to ME about what was bothering him....sigh....

Your welcome. Its tough facing my faults, but I have to in order to get where I want in life....happy.

XofSwords...cannot imagine ever being in a place to actively pursue another relationship while married. I was pursued. Now in your shoes. Cannot imagine trusting my ex again. Not only because he held a grudge for so many years, but because he has been on the fence now for 5 to 8 months. He left 10 months ago. Feel everytime I get to point of letting him go, he reels me back in. Have to wonder if I allow him to because I "understand" what he is going through, or because I have such a low self esteem and feel I deserve whatever he does.

If you cannot rebuild trust in a relationship, if the BS cannot forgive you, or as a CS you cannot forgive yourselt, feel reconcilation isn't really possible.

I have forgiven my ex for leaving me for OW. But doesn't mean I want to really allow him back all the way into my heart.

Infidelity sucks for both BS and CS.

I get lots of flowery words and vrbal assurances and a bit of praise for sticking around, you know, she loves me so much more because I've seen her at her worst and didn't walk. But that's just talk.

I know it's a disaster for both parties. That's why I don't rant here. The pain goes both ways and the reasons for cheating, the level of pathology the cheater is dealing with is tremendous. No excuse, but certainly a lot to take into consideration.

Thanks and keep the faith, it's all we can do.

With me the reasons I had the affair start with me losing a lot of weight a few years ago. Feeling sexy and having men flirt with me was new to me. One man pursued me relentlessly and I already had a crush on him. He would sext me and give me rushes of adrenaline and libido that I quickly became "addicted" to. I had one brief physical encounter with him that included some oral. Then he was gone. Moved far away. I lost contact with him but it left me desparate for the way he made me feel. i believe I developed a sexual addiction at that time. I became obsessed with recapturing how he made me feel. I mostly fed that need on line until the next man came along. A different situation. He was sweet and kind. we worked out together and became very close and then started spending time together outside the gym plus calling and texting. He became my companion. It was an emotional affair which became sexual quite suddenly and that went on for 6 weeks before DDay. After D-Day I felt like I was slowly "waking up" and coming back to myself after being in that sexual frenzy for 8 mos. That was only 2 weeks ago so still early in the process of healing and recovery. Counselor says we are doing remarkably well. So much pain and regret though for me and H and OM. Doing something like this is NOT LIKE ME AT ALL.

I usually rip a CS a new one, but your human and it wouldn't be right if I'm walking in love. So I have a few questions for you. Why did you do it? If you love hubby so much, want to stay HAPPILY married, why would you disrespect him in that manner. I mean was it a spontaneous thing or did you think about it before the big leap. We (the cheated on) well for me...I just can't comprehend loving someone so much and then turning around to cause someone you claim to adore sooooooo much pain. Did you not think what it would do to him. Did you even place yourself in his shoes? How would you feel if he had done it to you? For me I strongly believe that there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY MY EX COULD HAVE CARED ABOUT ME AT ALL TO DO SUCH A THING.....I really just cannot comprehend?

cbazan...for me, I felt he didn't love me any more. Wanted to be loved. To be special in someones' life. Felt there was no way we could make it as a couple because I was unhappy. You think your love is dying/gone and suddenly realize you love the hell out of that person.

But you need to understand, when a person has an A...they don't make sense. Not even to themselves.

The way you recount whay happen never even mentions your husband. Like he ceased to exist. That's what hurts the wrong partner so. The obsession with the attention completely wipes us out of the picture. I thought everything was pretty good. We're weren't fighting or anything. She was behaving like we were one big, hapy family and all the while e-mailing to texting away her every movemet. It makes more sense when the marraige is in trouble, but when it isn't?