He married you. Whether out of love or pity, he knew who you were and promised to be faithful to you when he did that. While it can be good to acknowledge your own faults, the classy way to handle unhappiness is to work on your marriage and if that fails, to leave and THEN see other people. While you may have things to work on, causing his infidelity is not one of them. And my guess is that you are also very critical, probably too critical of yourself. Since you can't change the past, why don't you use this time to work on you instead of blaming yourself. Spend more time with friends, go walking, get Counselling if that is helpful, read some books on self esteem and things like that. You deserve happiness and respect from yourself and your spouse as much as any of us.

Just wanted to say that I understand what you're saying "sweet" - I think a lot of us feel this way but just don't say it out loud. Be your own best friend - sometimes it's all we have.

All of us to some extent have depended on our spouses too much for our happiness, and that's why the betrayal has caused us so much pain. I think we all know now that it wasn't a good idea.

Your situation though seems to be somewhat extreme and it was painful to read about it. It won't be fixed overnight as low self esteem is deep seated and can usually be traced back to childhood. Please get some professional help. You can fix this.

However, the fact that you call yourself 'sweet orange' speaks volumes. Whether or not you were the one who came up with that name, the fact that you owned it says that deep down inside you know there's something about you that IS sweet. You say you're fat and ugly. I know it's hard but if you just lose 5 or 10 pounds you will feel better, but you must pull yourself up and do this for YOU (you will get that result faster with diet than with exercise, so don't worry if you don't feel like exercising).

We all want to look good, but there is another kind of beauty that's on the inside and its mightier than that on the outside, because it is what really makes a person. I know that sounds cliche, but realisng your inner beauty is the first step towards building self esteem. There is a sequence: building self esteem builds confidence, which builds self assurance and love of self....there is your ticket! When you get there your relationships will be healthier beause you won't be so dependent. But if you still end up living alone, it will be a whole lot easier.

Truth be told though, no one is ugly all over. I'm sure there's something/s about your physical presentation that is/are beautiful. If it's not your hair then its your skin, or your smile or your eyes...or maybe you have nice hands...but believe me Sweet orange, you are beautiful in some way.

Now I want you to go to the mirror right now and take a good look at yourself, and write back and tell us what it is that's beautiful. If you can't see it then ask somebody...they will see. Tell us too what is beautiful about your personality

I know how you feel.All I do now is compare myself to other people.He ruined me.Please don't think any of this is your fault.Saying your obese and ugly hurts my heart..Don't let him ruin you.Start taking care of yourself.I don't want to live alone either but if it is going to be better for my overall health,then it is something I have to consider.xo

I could have written some of what you wrote. I once thought of myself as attractive and a bit exceptional. Post infidelity and divorce, I feel valueless. That feels like a spike through the heart every day.

I have been almost completely alone (no relatives, uprooted for divorce by ex from my previous community) for nearly five full years now. I have been in court with him for most of those five years in a variety of situations now. It has been Hell.
It is hard to deal with the isolation and I have been in therapy most of those years. Just too traumatized to heal.
It is quite hard to be alone constantly, as you suspect. I hope you can stand it.
i really can't myself, but there is nothing else I can do but bear it. I have tried everything but in the end, I am aways alone.

Actually some/any exercise will help your mood more than any dieting ever could, but it IS very hard to go through life alone and it may be normal to be very sad although you will be pressured to pretend you are ok.
Some find that when their abusive/cheating mate leaves, their lives really improve, solitude or no. Many people do very well afterwards, and you may surprise yourself. I do hope so.

My ex was a wonderful man until his stroke, so it was not an improvement in any way for me to eat every ,meal, spend every moment and pursue every activity alone. It felt like abandonment and punishment, not a release.
I hope it will not be as hard for you, and I hope you tolerate the aloneness better than I do.
Many will tell you they are ok with being alone, but you may find as I do, that most people are rarely truly alone, and many will begin their criticism of your loathing and fear of isolation with "except for my child, except for my ...." I am alone.... actually indicating, while they lecture you on your lack of independence, that they themselves have no idea what it is actually like to be really alone themselves. It is almost funny..... were it not so painful.
The most often googled word is..loneliness, I am told.

Look out for the married men that will stalk you. They will try and make use of you and your pain and needs. You are not as unattractive as you think, and predatory marrieds have NO sense of shame, will make things harder for you than you can even credit.... don't let your loneliness turn you into bait for the ones that get so freely forgiven as they have their cake and eat it too...
I hope it will be much better for you than it has been for me. I wish my life were not a cautionary tale....

To some extent, I think most of us feel embarrassed or ashamed after our spouse cheats. Sometimes we feel "not good enough" (read: too fat, too skinny, too big this, too small that...) and other times it's because we feel ashamed at being so easily tricked and manipulated.

There are several things you need to keep in mind. The first, you hit squarely on the head: YOU need to work on YOU. NOT - as your low self esteem (The Beast) is telling you - because you're unworthy or unlovable or too fat or too unskilled or... nono. But because YOU are the only thing YOU control. You don't and can't control your husband. You can control you. Start there and no matter if he stays or goes, loves you or leaves you - YOU will be ok because you'll believe in yourself.

Second: You absolutely MUST understand that *WE ALL HAVE CHOICES*. Your husband was not forced into marrying you. He chose it. It doesn't matter why - he did. He PICKED YOU. He also chose to have an affair. HE PICKED THAT. He wasn't raped. He chose to step out. He is his own person with his own mind and his own frailties and faults.

Betrayed spouses get very in our heads about, "Why me!?" or "How could s/he do this TO me!?" It's not about us. It's about the cheating spouse and his or her desires/goals/weaknesses/and CHOICES. Period.

So work on yourself. Better yourself. But do it for YOU - not for HIM. He made choices already that were ALL ABOUT HIM - so now it's time for you to make choices all about YOU and YOUR health and YOUR well being.

I know exactly how you feel. I have been married for 20 years. I stayed in the marriage, but feel very alone. I feel like, if my spouse of 20 years can disrespect me like this, then what am I? I feel like she looks down on me, because she makes more money. I don't have any friends because I moved over from England, and all my best friends are over there. I have good days and bad days. Like most people on here. You have to work on yourself, but it's a lot easier said than done.To work on ourselves, we need something to motivate us. Otherwise we will just sink into depression, and we don't want that. I hope you keep coming to these boards, and get some motivation from these great people here. I find it best to try and act like you are happy about something, and keep your spouse guessing as to whether you are going to stay. Make them sweat a bit. Just know that you are the good person in the relationship, and he's the dirt bag. You should not be feeling the way you do. He should.

A positive thought brings a positive outcome.

I have struggled for so many years with being tossed aside like a piece of trash, and still have to face that demon daily to remind myself that I am so worth who I am and that it was his loss.

Working on you is easier said than done, but it is one little thing at a time that can do so much for your self-esteem. He will never change and will always be the dirtball he is. He had control over his choices, you didn't at all. Now you have control over your life.

Hugs!

(big hug)
you are not alone
Many of us go through this as we go past DDay.
Trust that you are worth it, trust that you are good, trust that you have the strenght.
You do not deserve your H to treat you this way, but it happened and you cannot change that, what you can do is work forward, build yourself up, have faith in yourself. And if the opportunity is there you and your H will be able to work through the A and move forwrd whether it is in seperation or recommiting to eachother.
We are here for you.