I found out some of the gory details about a year ago. They would bombard me day and night constantly for quite some time. If I give it too much thought, I go right back there. However, I have found if I don't give way to these thoughts, in other words if I don't dwell on them, they don't constantly bombard me like they used to. Time is the key. That being said, you also have to train yourself to stop those thoughts. In other words taking your thoughts captive. You cannot control the images that he put there for you, but you can control what you do with them.

It will take some time to stop yourself from doing this. It takes time and patience because you have to train your brain to work differently. What worked for me was journaling. I put it all on paper and shut my book closed until i was ready to revisit those thoughts again. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I remember feeling what you're feeling. Sometimes i still do it. I obsess about the details, but doing this doesn't help me in healing. There are many people on here that can relate to you. Use this platform to seek support.

For the first few months it is likely that the sharp pains are just going to be reality. You really have to work hard to refocus yourself after getting triggered. At time goes on and you learn to control the thoughts they soften and occur less frequently. It is unfortunately a slow progression.

I'm 1 year out from D day and while these thoughts do come, it doesn't crush you every time you are triggered. The pain is still there but more disconnected and visceral. Marriage counseling, talking about the affair with my wife, and her ongoing repentance/work towards restoring our marriage has helped.

Don't let your self-worth suffer because of the actions of another. They are not tied together. His choices reveal his character, not yours.

While these thoughts are painful, they're also helpful. They show you who you're married to and help you to realize you don't want to stay with someone who hurts you like this. It's very emotional, I know. But also very therapeutic.

I agree with Elizabeth, I can still "see" my wife sucking another mans cock then later kissing me goodnight , I can see her hands on another's mans cock then later her tucking my kids into bed
Ugly yes
Reality yes

Better to know that now instead of living a life of fiction crafted by a phony lying cheater

I, too, am bombarded with those images. H can't recall the dates of his affair (its been 6 years) or my birthday (ouch), but boy can he remember "the one time" : in her house that they did bondage (with her husband's neckties), when they went to a hotel (where they took an hour long shower) when they had a late night and screwed when her kids were home, asleep down the hall, when she met him in a park and they screwed under the stars.....It goes on. I think, in some small way, he is excited to finally share some of these details with someone. H enjoys telling stories, and I think these are among his favorites because they make him look like a "conquering hero" and "a real man". Its almost like he's bragging to a buddy because he claims he didn't tell anyone about their affair at the time. So, not only do I get to hear about how he conquered her (got her to put her H off, got her to send graphic photos and videos, allowed him to video their acts, got her to agree to a bigger boob size, have a 3some, etc.) but how he dominated her to his will. Couple this with knowing we still had a sex life (sort of) during his affair and that it was "ok" for him. I imagine that she was so alluring because she was--big boobs and a flat tummy thanks to post-baby tune up, athletic, part time job, plenty of money and time and her kids were older and needed less hand-holding. He claims with no small amount of pride that she was the "perfect MILF" and "so together"'; "she was always available to me and she wanted me, so sure I kept going back even though I knew it was wrong." She was perfect and everything I was not. I'm not even sure why he stayed....

Anyway, back to the topic of the post, my nightmares are filled with her face, his dick and their body parts entangled. I haven't slept much in over 2 months. So, yes, we feel your pain and there is very little to do other than accept this very sage piece of advice--schedule a time each day to allow your thoughts to go there and when you do, journal or type or dictate your feelings. It is a way for me to compartmentalize the visions and images so I can function. I have given as much as 60 minutes but no more. This is now about ME and what I can do to make my life better--without him. At the end of each session, I devise some sort of strategy to deal with the emotions that well up. Today, it is writing and giving my support to you, dear friend.

You are a wonderful, amazing person who deserves the best life has to offer--if you choose to stay (I'm still on the fence), you will have to confront these images and tell her about your fears. You owe that to yourself.

Remember: You deserve the love you have given to other people.

My best to you.

@findingmywayhome. That's so horrible what you went through. How absolutely dusfuaring that he was "proud" and told you so much details. Omg how can you ever get passed that I'm so sorry for you. It doesn't sound like he feels guilty at all. So tough. My boyfriend feels super guilty not proud at all. I specifically did not ask any details but I can just imagine what they did. Which is already horrible enough I couldn't handle him telling specific details like that. Thanks for sharing ur story though. I wish you all the best, you deserve it

@heartache5: Thank you for the kind worlds. He is a louse and cheater. He also happens to be my husband. So there's the crux of my problem--I love my husband but I don't like him very much. That's where I am today and it's all ok.