It sounds like you want to save the relationship if you can, but don't wan't that desire to be misinterpreted as acceptance of your H's actions. I felt the same way when I allowed my CS to remain in the home. I did so because the OW was hovering like the Harpy she is and I didn't want to reward her by making it easier for her to destroy our family. I made sure that H never was under the illusion that his actions where acceptable. He didn't like that I wasn't Mother Teresa about forgiving him. We had some professional counseling that was helpful. At first he just wanted me to sweep it all under the rug and go on as if nothing had happened but I told him that talking it to death was the price of his remaining in the home. I had to know that he was trustworthy, and that the major work about establishing that was his. The real turning point in his understanding of the extent of the damage he'd done was when I ordered the book:" How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful" By Linda MacDonald. He read it and everything changed. He stopped making excuses and trying to blame me or the OW. He began to see that he had talked himself into the A. He had an A because he felt entitled and the opportunity presented herself. The reasons that he was using to justify the A were a cover story he'd made up. When that all had sunk in I was able to begin to trust again; not completely. but enough to rebuild. We are halfway through the fifth year post d-day and I'm able again to feel loving towards him, and believe him when he says that he is sorry and that he loves me. If you have not arranged for MC it might be a good time to do so. The longer you remain apart and in limbo the less likely it is that you will be able to save your marriage. You don't have to forgive him to begin working together to rebuild or at least to understand and move forward. Good luck to you.

It isn't easy, but it can be done.

My wife had 7 months where she had affairs with two local guys and several online emotional affairs. The last local guy she "fell in love with" and felt she could love two men at once. I discovered this four days before our 29th anniversary.

Yet, now just into our fourth year since dday, we have rebuilt to a good marriage and place. What did it take? A lot would go into that question but it boils down to this: my W was committed to do whatever it took to heal herself, me, and the marriage. The CS destroyed the trust, they are the only ones who can heal it and rebuild it.

You also need to be committed, but that involves more working on letting yourself work through the stages of grief until you come to acceptance, and working to not block the CS from their journey.

Forgiveness can come in time. Few are ready to do so shortly after discovering it. Most have to get past the initial emotional roller coaster.

I have a FAQ for new BSs that might help.
http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/p/help-for-new-betrayed-spouses.html

Also, if you want to read about my experience in healing from this, I wrote a book on it:
http://www.healinginfidelity.com/index.php?currdir=&currfile=Our+Book.html

Give yourself some space to deal with this. It is crazy the first few weeks. But you can get through this. Sorry you've joined our club no one wants to be in, or asked to be in. But you'll find some support here, I pray.

I believe marriages can be saved after infidelity but know that the road to recovery is long and full of bumps.
I and my H are only about a year and half out from Dday and I believe we have a stronger marriage for it. Though I would choose any other way other than this hell, it has in the long run brought us back to the beginning and where we once began as a couple, in love and looking towards a future together.
As others have already spoken of though this takes a GREAT AMOUNT of work from the unfaithful spouse and almost equal work from us in order to forgive without ever truly being able to forget. You will hopefully come to see a new man changed by his mistakes and along the way you may even discover some of your own whether that be denial, taking your marriage for granted, etc... I have to believe that something good can come of even the worst situations. Sometimes that a person realizing that they were in the wrong relationship all along and they are finally strong enough to stand on their own, or like me you realize that your strength has always been there and you have always had to rise up to face various adversities and this is just one more of those challenges and crappy hands you've been dealt, but deal with it you will.
While my H was in the 6 month affair with one of my "good friends" I felt like I was the only one holding out hope for our marriage and trying desperately to hang on to it by a thread. ( I had no proof they were actually having an affair, but everything in me from my soul to my gut told me they were) I listened to their denials and "You're crazy" statements over and over and over and instead of sleuthing out the truth I instead sat in denial and comforted myself with thoughts of "Never ever would he do something like that" and "He's the most honest person I know". Ughhh to only turn back time and replay that summer from hell with eyes wide open this time around.
Anyway, basically you wanted positive feedback and so I will say that yes, there are those of us out there who do survive through an infidelity with the marriage in tact but for awhile it truly is hell and even now I have my days where I think it may just be easier to leave and start a new but then I look at our family as a whole and I know in my heart we are truly worth every minute of the effort and work we all need to put forth in order to move past it all.

Amazing that he cashed in 17 years for a piece of ass that lasted for 3 months.

Hope it was worth it to him.

Sorry....I'm in a bitter place regarding my own ex and his betrayal so I don't have much to offer but just being pissed off for you and what he did to you and your children.

"Is it even a possibility to move past it and live my dream of happily ever after with this man?"
-personally, i said "NO" to this question in my own life. my stbhx destroyed MY dream when he cheated. now, every person has their own idea of what "happily ever after" means to them, so maybe you can for you. but for me, my marriage was shattered into a million pieces, and even if i tried forever to put it back, it isn't going to be what i want it to be, what I thought it was.

"how do you move forward when the person you trusted more than anything is the one who hurt you the most? ..How can I accept the shitty way he treated me and the disrespect he allowed her to show me and my family?"
-well the thing is, not everyone can. only you can decide if you even want to. when i first found out about my stbxh's affairs (discovered them both on the same day), i threw him out. we were apart a month, and he kept trying to come back, promised he'd do anything, everything, get all the help in the world, etc. well he was back for 3 months before he decided that it was too hard for him, that he couldn't live the life of change and transparency that is necessary to put a marriage back together after an affair(s). that was the end of March. there have been many times since then that he has hinted around AGAIN that he wants to come home AGAIN, "really do the work this time" etc etc. It is easy for the CS to WANT to fix things. I mean, why wouldn't they? when the affair they chose over you turns out NOT to be good, great, wonderful, the remorse is gonna hit hard. wanting to take it all back. wanting to put it back together. but, it is hard hard work. for both of you. and he can't/won't accept it, it won't work. it was harder for me to let him back, only to see him give up on us again when the going got hard. you're the only one who knows what you want your life to look like going forward, but for me, i can't live in that limbo, at the mercy of my CS, ever again. because that requires you putting trust in someone who shattered your trust to begin with..

I love it when the CSs pull the "soulmate" card. (Everyone is nodding as they read this, I'm sure.)

Rebuilding is possible. The speed at which recovery and healing occurs is directly proportional to the amount of effort and progress both spouses put into the process. And it can't be lopsided effort, either. The trick here is giving it time to see what both parties, particularly the CS, does to repair the relationship. Yes, the BS has to be in it to win, too. There's no sitting back and waiting for the CS to do all the work. For me, it's felt like tectonic plate movement at times. But at least I see progress... even if it's incremental.

What has helped us was:

-CONSISTENT weekly marriage counseling with a good therapist, 1.5 years worth. And there was no room for slacking off. If he did slack off by not showing up or being late, I knew he wasn't committed.

-I had to wrestle the issue of transparency in the first few weeks after dday out of his hands by hacking into his email accounts which he wasn't thrilled about but I didn't care. If he didn't come to accept that was one of my conditions for reconciliation, there was no chance of me trusting him... even if our therapist said if he realllllyyyyy wanted to cheat again, he'd still find a way. It was more of a crutch for me to help clear the cobwebs and dark corners.

-Maintain no contact with the affair partner. No contact, no contact, no contact. Did I mention no contact?

-There's no such things as "friends" anymore. This issue came up right after dday during one of my investigations of phone records where I saw danger on the horizon with a different woman. I cleaned house on that one and he couldn't justify being friends with her. If he tried, I knew it wasn't going to work out.

The baggage will always be there regardless of whether you move on or attempt a rebuilding. It's a crappy place we've been shoved into. But for me, it just means I need to build up my own self esteem based on my own efforts. I cannot depend on H to validate me. I'd go insane waiting for any little crumb from him.

What have you both done to move forward? Have you seen any consistent progress on his part? What do you want from him going forward? You sound pretty in tune with your feelings and aware of the depth of damage you incurred. Do you think you can move forward with him?

There's no timetable on healing. You do what's ultimately right for you first and foremost. If your plans include remaining married to him, then make it clear to him that these plans are not irrevocable.