Your situation almost mirrors mine.He has been cheating for over a year now,in one way or another.So Iam still here with kids trying to keep my sanity-I no longer go thru his cell phone or try to find out what he is doing on the net.Instead,I ignore him,when he is here, and Iam working on me.i found a job but it is not a dream job but it is something.I plan to use it to catapault me into a career.The way I keep myself going is that I imagine myself being free of him,I imagine what it will be like to drop the ball on him one day and the expression that will be on his face when I do.I try no longer to obsess about what the hell he is doing because I remind myself that he is dead to me anyway.I focus on my kids and on my job.And get this-Iam even able to be cordial to him because I really don't give a damn anymore.He will only bring heartache and pain to these foolish women.That is how I get by.I will admit I have my days when it is hard to get out of bed or Iam consumed by my hatred of him,but those days only serve to make me stronger and push me further to my goal-leaving!

Hello iamawarrior
Your plan of action is your way to escape and cope with moving on but it won't be easy whilst you stay and save the money you will need to help you survive financially until you can work.
I am so sorry for what you are going through; it's a hell that no one wants to suffer and of course it can torture one's mind.
I hope that your plan works out for you and that whilst living with your H you manage to cope.
Of course you will have good and bad days whether you stay or leave; we all grieve for our loss.
Try to keep busy and make a determination to have at least a few hours a week where you don't think of the A. Do anything to distract yourself.
My thoughts are with you.
God bless
A

I am sorry for your pain. I am in a very similar situation. He never gave me the answers or helpled me heal so I never healed just became detached. We are great parenting partners but he is still hiding things so thier is no trust. I pray alot and focus on the fact that why waste anytears on someone that is showing everyday with his actions that he does not love me. I do not check anything . In time it does get easier, I still have bad days but I try and find things to do to snap me out of the fog. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Are you guys in any kind of marriage counseling?

If he wants to save the marriage, then he must break contact with the woman.

Counseling for you both is a must and it's worth a shot.

Finally, if you cannot resolve it, save as much and distract yourself when you get angry -- postpone it but don't take it out on him or the kids as that can get heated.

Scream in the privacy of your closet or beat up a pillow.

And when it gets really bad, remember the posters in England during WW...Stay calm, carry on.

Good luck!

That has got to be the toughest spot to be in - the 'leaving you but not quite yet' deal.

Did that, done that. It is one tiring deal.

Sending support and I have to say, take lots of deep breaths, rely on family and friends for support and know that this will happen, in time. Stick to your plan. It is very proactive and very enpowering.

L~

Thank you all so much! I can tell this group is really going to help me get through this. In response to your question, NeedUnderstanding, we are in counseling and have been for three years. He previously had an affair with this woman months ago and has recently started it up again. There really is nothing to save at this point. One of the hardest things for me right now is biting my tongue when he blatantly lies to my face. I know he thinks I'm stupid or just weak, and I want to scream at him "Of course I know what's going on idiot!". But if I did that it would just start a huge painful conflict, even more lies, and mess up my plan. Right now he can pretend like he doesn't know that I know. Once it is out in the open, I feel I would need to leave right then or he would become completely unbearable. He's still in the nice but smug stage because he thinks he's getting away with something. And Lord knows, I WANT to leave now. But I've gone over it and over it in my head and both financially, and for my kids sake, one year is really a much much better time. I'll have to just take it one difficult day at a time.

Stay strong for yourself and your kids. Funnel that anger into a positive direction to help yourself out. If you learn how to turn it off Please let me know. I am in same boat only wife is currently breadwinner. I was so angry after my awakening, I finished one of my online classes in 3 weeks. My wife tells me I am dedicated. I told myself very loud, No, I am Pissed, Hurt , Frustrated and going to do what it takes to fix my heart.
. Keep your head up and wear that smile. Always here to talk. :-)

I am not in your situation, but directly following discovery my immediate reaction was "How the hell am I going to do this??" My H is also the bread-winner and we have two children together. i do work, but don't make enough money to support myself and two children. I am currently trying to work things out, but I had to make a plan in the beginning so that I would never feel that I was only staying "because I had to". Maybe this will help you:

My plan was to hold on tight until tax time, and then I would file head of house-hold (as separated). My sister (who does taxes) told me I would get back about $6,000, which I could put down for 6 months or so of rent at an apartment. With my salary and what I would receive in child support, I can save up money during those 6 months to pay for another 6 months...then it would be tax time again! I am a pre-k teacher, so my childcare is free. I spoke to my director about my situation, and she agreed to help me in any way til I could get through school and gain more financial independence. I don't know how things are where you live, but here (if you qualify) you can get day-care assistance, food stamps, etc.

There are options out there...I hope I was able to say something of value. Being a pre-k teacher I am really good at digging up resources. Let me know if I can help you with anything.

I know that for me, just knowing I do have other options, helps me to not feel cornered into making a decision.

Good luck and lots of support!!

One thing that helped me with anxiety was talking to a lawyer. Most lawyers will give you a free 30 min consultation. I felt stuck until I found out about my rights. Then I figured out how I'd be doing financially if I left with my daughter. That helped me greatly! Though I don't know if we'll work it out or divorce yet, it helps to know my rights and know what I'd be looking at.

The good thing is the your H doesn't have to know you went. They won't send you anything to your home. They will just keep your info on file in case you decide to file later.

Hang in there! I know the waiting is so hard. But I agree, try to do things for yourself. Focus on that. Hugs

Be sure to save the money in an unconventional way. If you are in a 50/50 state anything you save will have to split with him. My friend had a savings account she didn't use and she let me use it for 6 months.

Get with a lawyer and get all your ducks in a row. Make a list of things that can be done now, in 6 months, and right after you leave. Start networking with friends that you will be able to count on when you do actually leave.

Be strong. You deserve a better life than to be cheated on.

I think Im in the same beginning stages of making a plan to leave. I too, am a stay at home mom with four children. I have no college education or job history. Everyday I feel so trapped. He swears he is being faithful and has no desire to leave me. I truly dont want to leave, but Im about 90% sure his betrayal continues. He is a wonderful father and I fear putting my children through a divorce. So I sit on the fence and try to figure out who to take care of. This indecision has drained all my joy for life out of me. I feel like a hollow chocolate bunny. Im grateful to know Im not the only one in this kind of situation.

I agree, be careful how you save the money if you don't want half of all of it going back to him. Consider anything that can help - are there charities/programs that would help a single mother? Would friends and family lend a hand or babysit for free if needed? Is there anything you can do for a job from home?

Those obsessive thoughts are hard. Perhaps venting here and counseling would help you cope. Maybe thinking of what you want when the year is over and working towards that and dreaming of that will help. I know this is hard, you're a strong person and you don't have to go through this alone.