This is all pretty new to me as well. I just found out about my husband's affair about 4 months ago. There's a quote by Mahatma Gandhi that I've been trying to live by: "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." I feel like I've more or less been able to forgive my husband, though I still get angry sometimes and definitely do not trust him again yet. I think forgiving him was more for me, because to carry that anger and resentment around just made me miserable. You can forgive and still hold him accountable for his actions. Did he confess to you or did you discover the infidelity? Is he working to earn your trust back?

I figured it out. I was shocked I thought that was one thing he would never do. We both said before we got married cheating would end the marriage. I think he was working on earning my trust. But lately he has been back on the computer a lot & the fear is back about what he is doing. He says he is not doing anything bad but the time is upsetting too.

You are definitely not failing! This is raw... What has he done to make you want to forgive him? Everything I've read it takes about two years to totally get into that place that you can totally forgive them not forget not trust but forgive the act. They have to be somebody that deserves to be forgiven. Have you read books together? Have you gone to counseling? Have you talk to your pastor?

I am sorry you are going through this. I too found my anger was hurting me more than my husband. I never thought I would trust him again. And there are still days I feel that way. But those days are getting to be fewer now. This site has helped a lot. CaliRN13 is right about reading some good books. The one that helped me the most is I Love You But I Don't Trust You by Mira Kirshenbaum. I read it twice. When D-day first happened. I don't think I was willing to accept the help it offered at the time so I read it again a year later and realized how completely right the book was. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Good luck.

I just put in my journal everything that he did it is long but I needed to write it down to help me stop thinking about it. I have not talked to anyone out of fear I think. I think this group will help me. I do not think he fully understands how hurt I am. I think he feels a lot of shame and guilt. We got books but have only read one. I might look into that book I Love You But I Don't Trust You by Mira Kirshenbaum. it sounds like it might help. Thank you for the support.

I forgot to say. feel free to read my journal.

I am sorry this has happened to you. I imagine your date above should read Jan17, 2015 instead of November?

The lies and deception are worse than the acts, and many betrayed spouses have a harder time dealing with that, over any other factors of the affair. At first, the thought of 'how can I forgive him' will be in the forefront of your mind, steering your grief and consternation, with every decision.

You can try to forgive him according to someone else's definition of forgiveness, but only you can know what it will require in order for you to find true forgiveness, hopefully, somewhere down the road. True forgiveness will take a long time to achieve, and it will rely greatly on his actions and attitudes towards you and the world around him, going forward.

Three things must happen if the process of forgiveness is going to commence: 1. the affair must be ended immediately, in your presence, 2. there is to be no contact with the other woman, ever, and 3. he becomes completely transparent going forward, no excuses permitted. Without these mighty three, forgiveness is an impossibility, if you want to remain in the relationship.

If the cheating spouse's actions are sincere going forward, the immediacy of 'how can I forgive him' subsides as you build the framework of the new relationship. Deposits to the love bank, and rebuilding trust will eventually pave a road conducive to forgiveness, and you will see some light at the end of the tunnel.

I wish you well in your recovery.

Sorry everyone the date is the wrong year. That correct date was 11/17/14.

Have you been to individual and marriage counseling? For me I first made the choice to work on forgiveness for me not him. I needed to be whole again and for that to happen I had to figure out how to rid my heartof the anger and bitterness. I also felt that he deserved to be set free of my hate. He was truly remorseful.

I knew that there was a risk that with that forgiveness cake the possibility that we could no longer be together. Forgiving want going to take my hurt away. One you let go of the anger there is still hurt and sadness. There is also a point where if your choosing to stay together you need to take an active role in making the marriage better. Actions that go beyond the cheating.

Back to forgiving. I made a choice to seperate the man from his actions and the past from the present. I saw the better part of who he was. He wasn't just a cheater. He was and is a good man. He made really really poor choices but he was willing to work hard at changing those. I prayed a lot, listened to only Christian music and found daily strength.

Walking around with bitterness and anger is not good for you.

You can only forgive if your H is remorseful. Remorse is very different from regret. In order to reconcile successfully after cheating, you should not rugs weep and you both need to address the reason HE chose to cheat.

How did you discover the affair?
How long was the affair?
Where did he meet the OW? Do they work together?
Is the affair over? How do you know?
Did he try to blame shift?
Do you have children? Ages?
What has your H done to make you feel safe after his affair?
Has he accepted responsibility ?


Things a WS (wayward spouse) needs to do:

Read 'how to help your spouse heal from an affair' by Linda MacDonald.

Be transparent with phone/email and give you all passwords
Understand your pain
Assure you that they want to be with you
Be patient and tolerant
WS should NEVER say 'get over it' or anything similar
Answer all your questions truthfully
Disclose the full timeline of the affair
Be truthful on any previous infidelity
Agree to marriage counselling
Reassure at all times
Try and recognise when you are having a trigger
The WS should do everything to make you feel safe

Another important thing is consequences. If the WS does not face any, why would they not do it again. If you make things all nice and cushy, he just gets away with it.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Absolutely Agree