Thanks so much! I plan to check it out...L~

thanks for the info on this post! i will do some more research ... the more i read, the more i think it is relevant, sadly. but reading empowers me, so Barnes and Noble, here i come!

I feel the same way slouise. Last week at B&N bought 6 new books. Strange how my subjects have changed the last months from Healing your Relationship., How to communicate, to Letting go and understanding infidelity, co-dependency and leaving the one you love. LOL

Just downloaded "The Object of My Affection is in My Reflection'' onto my Kindle. It's written by Rokelle Lerner. Here's how a chapter titled, "Entitlement, Rage and Contempt: The Plight of Narcissists and their Victims'' begins:

When you're in a relationship with a N, you relinquish your identity and your soul to them. Their seduction is similar to a razor-sharp stiletto being waved in your face. It's so mesmerizing, you won't know you're bleeding to death until it's too late. But it's not your blood that a N wants, it's your emotional energy and individuality. A true N has no qualms about taking your money, your love, your admiration, your body, or your soul to satisfy their unquenchable hunger. And just as vampires cringe when in the presence of crosses, Ns recoil at ordinary adult experiences such as boredom, uncertainty, accountability, and most of all, having to give as well as receive. (Bernstein 2002)

Ns use whatever institution is available to achieve their goal of draining your emotional energy and individuality -- the office of the church, perantal authority, a political party or even a Little League team. ... They use whatever tool is at their disposal to capivate you, own you and then, devour you. And when you're under their spell, you obey without question and gradually begin to join the procession of the living dead.

Until you really get to know Ns, you may think they are some of the most charming, compelling people you've ever met. They're fun to be around at parties, are engaging conversationalists, tell amusing stories and give their opinions about everything in the world. They are charming, that is, until you get to know them. That's when you're at risk of becoming one for their victims.

They need you, and they crave what you can give them. They're spoiled and wounded children. Desperately in need of someone to be in awe of them.

This is all so true, it gave me chills when I read it. What do you think about it? I'm on the third chapter, and this book is awesome!

This is my husband---huge ego, serial cheater! I am in counseling and he is not. I am stronger for it. He manipulates weak women to get attention and "love" It is always about him...

Word of caution: do not under any circumstances get your narcissistic partners into therapy. It makes them worse. Much, much worse. BTDT.

Also, if you even think about reconciling with these people you are signing your own death warrant. I'm not trying to be dramatic I'm telling you the honest truth. They will kill you either by making you physically sick, by destroying you emotionally to the point that you end up killing yourself or they could literally kill you. These people have no remorse, if you die they won't care. In fact, they'll blame you for that, too.

I've read enough crap in this group about 'he came to me last night telling me he can't let me go and he'll do anything to reconcile' that it makes me start to shake with fear for some of you. So many on this site are running with open arms right to the devil.

I can't take it anymore, I'm unsubscribing from this group.

Here's the bottom line: if your spouse cheats, it wasn't a 'mistake' it's a clear sign to get the hell away from them. Get out, divorce their asses, get you and your kids (if you have them) into therapy and move on. It's much less painful. At the end of the day, if the marriage was 'meant to be' you can try again in 5 or 10 years once both of you have had some separate life experiences. However, if you were married to a narcissist, the affair is your 'get of jail free' card. Use it and quickly. You won't get another shot at it.

Hey Eyes, are you really unsubscribing?

L~

eyeswide, for the first 4 years of my marriage i couldn't figure out what the hell was wrong .... how my husband could make me feel so invisible, how he could blatantly forget me, ignore my wishes/opinions, beg me to do things with me and then completely ignore me when I did.... all the kinds of things that just made me think I was crazy, unloveable, unwanted. At that point, I remember praying and asking God that my H wouldh have an affair so I could get out of the marriage. Immediately I felt guilty about it.... but then 5 years later that's exactly what happened.

And I'm telling you, EVERY time I uncovered something.... proof of his affair or that he had not stopped his inappropriate behavior with other women, it was because the Holy Spirit spoke to me.... 'go downstairs, he has been down there too long... look in his phone.... he's been outside at the garage too long....' I know that may sound a little nutty, but I'm normally not a person who would go snooping through his stuff or check up on him.

When I read this stuff about 'dealing' with the narcissist it scares me, too. I was nearly in panic attacks last week thinking about having to face mine in starting the divorce process. So far, my fears are a little exaggerated. Thankfully. But he's not out of my life yet, and the thought of him trying to manipulate my emotions to convince me that I'm crazy again is really REALLY frightening to me.

Michelle, I don't think that is nutty in the least! You know, I knew something was up and something was so wrong and did I ask Jesus for a little help as I looked at the cieling??? Oh yeah...

'YOu know, Jesus, I think I may be in WAYYYY over my head here and need a bit of direction. Give me some direction, would You?'

Darn it if he didn't.

I came to the conclusion that Jesus may love everyone, including my EX, but He really didn't like the way he was treating me...so He let me know.

It's not nutty. Not at all.

L~

Yep, I'm leaving this group, it's too painful to watch people hit their heads against a brick wall and call it healing.

I am so sick to death of the idea of 'reconciliation' being possible. No, you don't reconcile. You live with it. You tolerate it. Your marriage isn't stronger, your heart is just harder. It's no way to live.

I think the only true reconciliation happens when you go your separate ways, live awhile, grow up some and then maybe try again. This of course, is with a non-narcissist. AND, it's not over a couple of months, but years.

I can tell you this: if I go through this again, things will be different. There will be no discussion, no yelling, no accusations. Just here's the divorce papers, I'm out of here. I can get it done in about one month. I won't play the 'I was weak, I didn't know what I wanted, now I see it's really you' game ever again.

Life's too short to put up with the garbage of others.

Michelle, the night before I went to the lawyer to have divorce papers drawn up, I asked God to give me a sign if this was the wrong thing to do. During the entire morning, I got no sign to say it was wrong. There was no huge revealing sign as the lawyer and I were talking. When I got in the car and turned on the radio, the sentence from MArtina Mcbride's Independence Day played "It's Independence Day." Those were the very first words I heard when I started up my car. I do believe that that was the sign.

--Sara

Eyeswide, you're probably right. We're in MC, not therapy for his Narcissistic Personality Disorder. That would be awful, because he is in denial of it. He doesn't want to peel back the layers of his life and see why he has chosen to fail at marriage. He doesn't want to know why he has to get attention from other women who don't really love him in order to feel good about himself. I know this. I am not thinking that the MC is going to snap him out of it. I have to snap out it it for myself and do things that help ME. And if I decide to get out, it's MY choice. I won't let him direct this marriage again. I hope you have a great life no matter what. Sorry if the site hasn't helped you. It has helped me a great deal. Take care.

OMG Hmph thanks for posting the description. That is an in your face fact that is too hard to deny.

This reminds me of the book Women Who Love Too Much. In the preface it gives a description of just that.

If all your sentences when confiding with a BFF begin with he, him, his, etc you are loving too much. On and on but basically I think a woman who loves a man too much most of the time probably lives with a narc.

tiredandc, I have to agree with you about the description and the tell-tale signs of loving too much on the part of women. It usually is with a N, because after all, it's all about him.