Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
Yes, I want things to work with my husband. I want to believe we can build a strong, trusting relationship and that we can move past this. I want to believe there is hope.
However, I don't - not with 100% blind faith and trust.
I would feel much better and be more likely to want to work on things if I knew I COULD leave if I wanted or needed to. Does that seem hypocritical or crazy?
I feel like it is a betrayal to him and our relationship if I "make other plans" - that is to say, if I have a "plan B" which doesn't include him, then it "proves" I don't want to be with him, somehow.
The thing is, I am an at home mom - I gave up my schooling and career to support him in his, and I have not worked since 1999. We live in an extremely rural area, so jobs are especially scarce. My parents and grandparents are dead, leaving me without family to lean on for financial or even emotional support. I have a chronic health condition which makes working very difficult and which has caused me to be a bit of a hermit, so I don't really have any friends to call upon, either. We are financially tied up in a house on which we owe more than is worth and I never finished college.
If he changes his mind and decides to bail, I am stuck in a big way. Or if, as I'm reading from other people here, I change my mind and decide it's no longer worth it to keep struggling this way, then I will be in no position to be able to leave. By not having an alternate plan I am betraying myself and my children should things go bad.
It feels like I should somehow be creating some sort of security net for if (when?) things fall apart between my husband and I. Is it wrong to do so? Is there a good way to do it without causing strife?
I'm so miserable and feel like I'm at a complete deadlock, unable to move forward in any direction. I hate myself for getting myself stuck like this. I feel like such an idiot.
And today, especially, I feel so alone.
However, I don't - not with 100% blind faith and trust.
I would feel much better and be more likely to want to work on things if I knew I COULD leave if I wanted or needed to. Does that seem hypocritical or crazy?
I feel like it is a betrayal to him and our relationship if I "make other plans" - that is to say, if I have a "plan B" which doesn't include him, then it "proves" I don't want to be with him, somehow.
The thing is, I am an at home mom - I gave up my schooling and career to support him in his, and I have not worked since 1999. We live in an extremely rural area, so jobs are especially scarce. My parents and grandparents are dead, leaving me without family to lean on for financial or even emotional support. I have a chronic health condition which makes working very difficult and which has caused me to be a bit of a hermit, so I don't really have any friends to call upon, either. We are financially tied up in a house on which we owe more than is worth and I never finished college.
If he changes his mind and decides to bail, I am stuck in a big way. Or if, as I'm reading from other people here, I change my mind and decide it's no longer worth it to keep struggling this way, then I will be in no position to be able to leave. By not having an alternate plan I am betraying myself and my children should things go bad.
It feels like I should somehow be creating some sort of security net for if (when?) things fall apart between my husband and I. Is it wrong to do so? Is there a good way to do it without causing strife?
I'm so miserable and feel like I'm at a complete deadlock, unable to move forward in any direction. I hate myself for getting myself stuck like this. I feel like such an idiot.
And today, especially, I feel so alone.
Yes, you should have a plan B.
I have one. I have a lawyer on retainer now. I have all the paperwork to separate finances in a folder ready to go so I don't have to search for it. I have a separate account in my son's name so that I could immediately start using it.
And I have the closest thing to a post nup allowed by this state that I had my lawyer draw up with my H and I present.
My H is well aware of all of this. I have even encouraged him to have a plan B. Not because I would do something like this but I could very well die on my drive home tonight.
Like stateofchaos said, you just never know what could happen. Maybe he bails, maybe you want to, maybe something happens to one of you driving to the grocery store tonight. You don't need to feel guilty for being prepared.
I was a stay at home mom also. My initiation of plan B started years ago when I almost left him. I went to grad school on loans. I knew that I would never be able to find a job in which I could make enough money to be independent of my H, so grad school was absolutely necessary. I learned that I needed to be able to count on myself because it scared the life out of me to know that I NEEDED my H.
Don't get me wrong, I love him so much it hurts and I never want to lose him, but I'm also realistic. I'm confident that things will be fine, but that fear will never leave me and I am glad that I am prepared.
I encourage you to go back to school and get yourself into a position in which you can be independent if you need to be. If for no other reason, it gives you confidence and peace of mind. Best of luck!
znzsmom - were you scared of burying yourself in loans? Currently, our only debt is the house (no car loans, no student loans, no credit card debt) and I am terrified of the prospect of getting into debt again. I guess if he bails, that's what would happen, anyway.
I have heavily considered a postnup - I just don't know how I'd afford a lawyer. I can't even imagine the fallout if I said, "Oh yes, dear, I do love you and want to stay with you, but I need $5000 for a lawyer..." I'm afraid he'd take the money and just get himself a divorce lawyer and screw me over in the process, leaving me with nothing. This is (largely) an irrational fear with no basis, but...
Thank you for the feedback, everyone.
Now, nevermind plan B. I have a career I love and THAT is the best reward. I guess my outlook on debt is different. Sure, I hate it, but it's just debt. Working in oncology puts things into perspective. I used to lament about what a failure I was, how everyone around us seemed to be doing so much better than us. Our siblings go on vacations and have nice cars and nice houses, and there we were living in a sh-t hole. I still drive the same now almost 12 year old SUV. We still don't go on too many vacations.
However, we have so many blessings. We're all healthy. My car still works. We moved out of the sh-t hole into a beautiful home. I have a wonderful job and it's about to become more lucrative (see my journal entry for today). Sure, my loans will probably still be there when I die, but oh well. It's monopoly money! As long as we have a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, food in our tummies (including chocolate) and our health, all the rest can be dealt with. Don't dwell on the debt factor. Join the rest of us Americans! lol.
Yep me too. Those loans will outlast me but they die with me as well.
The debt I have in car loans and mortgage scares me a bit.
Sometimes it's nice to just have the space to fall apart.
However, volunteering doesn't provide stability for my children and due to the nature of the volunteer work I do, it doesn't really give me much of a support network. I won't lie, it gets wearing giving and giving and giving endlessly sometimes. It's not that there aren't returns to that giving, it's just that those aren't filling my current needs.
Here's the deal and I just want to remind you, if he does decided to bail on you, this is a long term marriage in which you BOTH agreed that you would not have your career to support him in his. All of your assets are joint. All of your debt is joint. Meaning, all of this would fall on HIM too...and there is no way any judge would leave you high and dry after the agreed upon arrangement that you have had since 1999.
Free Attorney Consult...and post nups can be drawn up online.
Sending you support, L~
I'm also a stay home mom, have made sacrifices moving around with a military husband, and feared 'what if' H left me like my sister's H did several years ago (wiped out their bank accounts). It was then that I started squirreling money away.
My logic, is that while it may be deceitful, lie by omission, it was EMERGENCY money only, and if I never needed it, we'd some day take one hell of a golden-years vacation on it.
Well, guess what? Some of that money paid for a private investigator, gps, phone, and other things I needed to discover what H was up to last year. A significant chunk of change I couldn't have spent from our funds without raising H's suspicion.
I still have the fund, still add to it. It may be 'technically' wrong for the marriage, but it is right for ME, and I decided a long time ago that from now on, if it comes to a choice between the two, *I* win.
Of course money is just a quick-out, you do have to look long term at school, job, etc. Do what you can, when you can. The sooner you start, the better.
I was a stay at home mom for a long time and I only have a HS education. When I realized how badly the ex was behaving I wanted out.
Plan A: The ex was overseas working. Sit and wait and see what he does and get our daughter thru college with no loans. Check with an atty. about what I could expect from a divorce.
Plan B: Figure out how to hang onto this farm and see if I can make money from it. I have this farm for the next few years. It is bringing in money that I am saving for myself and letting the alimony pay all the bills.
Plan C is now my plan A and I'm waiting to see what my options are.
Back up plans are just that; options that you might want to do with your life. Since I was 17 I've worked in situations where I might be hurt. Before I would go to work each night I would do my what ifs and look at my options. Even on this farm out here by myself I think about my back up plans. Without those I would be swimming in a sea of doubt and confusion.
To blindly go into something without a back up plan buts you in a position of being to dependent on someone else. It allows you to be taken advantage of and to feel you are stuck in a bad situation. To feel helpless. So make your back up plans and change them as needed. If you do need them they are there ready to be put in place.
Allora, I would look at 2 year technical programs. For the amount of education needed, they are pretty high paying and will get you on the road to independence. I'm thinking along of dental hygienist, ultra sound technician, etc....