I'm sorry you are going through what so many of us are dealing with right now. I just found out my long time boyfriend cheated on me this past weekend. Transparency is definitely key from what I've read up on how to "get past" this. What you are feeling is normal. Everything from what I've read on the internet and read on here is "normalcy" and complete healing may not come for 2-3 years after find out. Regaining trust is a huge component and that is just going to take time. You will probably think about it a year from now or two years from now. This is not something that you get over quickly.

It seems you are doing very well so far, but maybe counseling on your own and maybe together might be of good. I am unsure if there are physical support groups but I'm sure there is as there are in person support groups for just about everything out there. I wish you all the best in your recovery process. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and having a good support system is key.

Also I had started a discussion when I first found out and someone posted me this link. It was very helpful and there is tons of information on this blog. Maybe it will be of help to you too.

http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/p/help-for-new-betrayed-spouses.html

You are further along than me (tomorrow will be 2 weeks since 'discovery', or when "SHTF"). But I can offer how I am feeling - it may or may not help, but it's a viewpoint from someone else going through the same thing...

In regards to feeling "normal" (i.e., pre-affair), I have come to terms with the fact that going forward, there will be a "new normal". But in this "new normal", I don't want her (my wife), myself, or our marriage to ever be consumed or defined by what happened. It's part of us now, and we each had a choice to move on, or accept the fact that there will be a "new normal" and move forward. We both chose the latter.

I have forgiven, but no, I will never forget. She regrets her decisions, has apologized more times than I can count, she is "repenting" every single day since. But neither will she ever forget.

What helps me keep going is to look more to the possibility of a bright future for us, and less about what has happened in the past. Healing from this will be an ongoing process. I don't believe that process will end on a definitive date, or within some random time frame. It may go on for the rest of our lives, and probably will in some regards.

So be it. We are both happier together than we are apart, despite the pain. Our goal now is to repair the damage, to the greatest extent possible, and build a new, stronger foundation from which to begin the rest of our lives.

Anyways, just though I'd offer that. Everyone is different, obviously, but that's how I feel about things.

Welcome Rollercoaster and I'm sorry you are having to go thru this :(
I'm a bit over a year and a half past dday and not sure I feel "normal" yet but looking back maybe "normal" isn't that great? I mean I felt everything WAS normal and here my husband was having an affair so obviously "normal" isn't all that great either.
The only thing I can tell you is that if your spouse is doing everything in his power to fix this and you are also on board with trying to save the marriage then you my be in for a closeness in the relationship you may not have felt in a very long time

why does this site do that? you write an entire entry and it cuts off half of it?? sorry, but basically I had said that it's definitely a long road ahead of you and I cannot fathom adding a toddler and pregnancy to all of it but you're doing great so far! You've already found this site and with that hopefully some of your sanity :) The book that helped me the most was called "Not Just Friends" it gives all the points of view and really helped me a ton in those first months of recovery.
Wishing you the best and as your screen name suggests "Remember to keep your hands inside the ride at all times"

We are all different, but it was about 18 months for me.

The first 6 months were really rough, it got better, then close to the 1 year marker I had a lot of triggers which gave me a lot of anxiety.

18 months is when our NEW normal started. Hang in there!

Hi, Roller. First, we're sending you big hugs of support and sympathy. Pull up a comfy chair and hang out here for a while. The folks here are great.

Sounds like your H is doing everything he can to help you recover. The more he does, the sooner you'll feel better which I think is fan-freakin'-tastic.

As far as feeling "normal," though, I think it's a matter of getting used to this new normal. Everything has changed and I've found so far almost three years past dday is things will never go back to the way they were. That's the bad news. The good news is that it's your chance to change things for the better. Get yourselves to MC right away because it's going to be a very rough road ahead and it's VERY reassuring to have someone trained to help you two navigate the minefield.

Talk to your doc/gynecologist about antidepressants that won't affect the baby before and/or after the birth. (Congrats, by the way!) I used Wellbutrin for about six months until I could get my sea legs.

As far as timetables to "normalcy," I think what I've observed with most successful rebuilding couples on average +/- six months is:

1st year = Sucks hairy elephant balls but visible improvement after six months. Good days will start outnumbering the bad... unless you give in to the temptation of using the tire iron on him.

2nd year = Sucks because progress slows a bit and it feels like a holding pattern, but the rollercoaster isn't as extreme. You'll have a lot of "WTF were you thinking?!" You probably still hate holidays and anniversaries at this point unless you both plan something nice for the family and make new memories. I recommend avoiding the Hallmark card aisles.

3rd year = Sucks a little less with each passing day. You're learning a lot about each other. You still have those days you want to cyber stalk OW, check up on H's accounts. You'll start feeling better about yourself and start to immerse yourself in hobbies you enjoy instead of feeling so wrapped up in your relationship. Progress in the relationship department is still there, slowed to a snail's pace, but as long as there is forward movement, it's good.

That's the quick version of my ongoing recovery process since I'm at work right now. I sure hope this and what everyone else says helps. You're right, you have to keep positive for your little ones, but feel free to let it out and have a good cry. Then carry on. I hope you have the support of family members nearby. If you need more support, tell a few select friends you can trust to be a friend of the marriage as well. Otherwise, come here often with questions and vents and progress reports. :)

It is a roller coaster. 30 days is so soon. Part of your answer is time and work. The other part is redefining what normal means to you. Letting go of the false image of what you thought was and coming to a place of acceptance for what is.

In the best rebuilding situations (CS doing all they should and BS working through their grief

http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/04/this-is-chapter-excerpt-from-our-book.html

and rebuilding the marital narrative,

http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2013/10/narrative-reconstruction.html

year one will be discovering what the new normal will be. Year two will be getting used to it. Year three, at some point, the new normal will no longer fell new, and just normal.

Rough outline, and everyone is different, so not a straitjacket timeline, but to give an idea of what happens.

The key is in the first two years to build a new normal you can look forward to. It gives the losses some meaning if you can point to ways you've grown closer together.

It can suck once the new normal gets settled in and you don't like it. By then it becomes difficult to remotivate for more core changes. So spouses end up putting up with it and are unhappy, or they eventually divorce.

When you hear that it takes 3-5 years to heal, it sounds so intimidating.

Although it takes years.....remember that you will improve .....little by little leading up to that. In six months you will see marked improvement. Then further improvement ....and so on.

It has been 2 years and 4 months since I found out. My husband didn't sleep with another woman, he had an online/texting/telephone affair of the heart. As bad as sleeping with the other woman. Others are right, the first year is discovery and healing. I used to beat myself up that I still wasn't trusting my husband as deeply as I did before, going to counseling on my own, I learned that it is ok. That is part of my new normal, because I trusted so blindly before. I lost a ton of weight the first 2 months because I was so sick from the betrayal, again, normal. Take care of you, talk talk talk, to your spouse, a counselor, a trusted friend, do not be a shamed of your feelings, because they are your feelings and they are reacting to something hard to get through. Hang in there, not wanting others to hurt like we are, but also knowing someone is in the same boat as us, does help.

I am so sorry this has happened to you and your marriage!
As far as feeling normal again... I am still working on it and understand , like all of us, that feeling of "oh my gosh, when will this feeling go away?" All I can tell you is what I wish i would have done sooner... And that is seeking a support group. You are here... So stay! I also kept so much inside, withdrew and isolated myself. Whenever possible, get out and do something for YOU. Find those people you can trust, who truly have your best interests at heart, allow them to help you in any way you need - even if it is caring for your toddler now and then so you can have some "me" time. lean on them.
Check out the beyond affairs network - depending upon where you
live, they do have support groups set up. (Logistically this was unavailable to me) Do not ever be hard on yourself for the time it is taking. I think sometimes that self "imposed pressure" added another layer to the depression.
Through hind sight, I have also realized that just learning to accept that you will now have a new and different normal, - although a really and difficult thing to do - is one of the biggest steps in getting you there sooner.


You have already made much progress in this awful journey.. You WILL only keep getting stronger!

The before dday normal is dead to deny that is delusional.
That normal cannot be restored.
After dday normal doesn't have to be handicapped.
It will take a lot of pain and time before the bandages come off on their own

Thank you all so much for your replies...it really means a lot to hear from everyone that has been in my shoes. I hope that I can one day give back and offer strength and encouragement to others but right now I have a dark cloud over my head following me where ever I go.

I think the shock has been the biggest thing for me. Every time I think about what happened I feel like there is a shock to my heart and I instantly get sad. I am doing everything in my power to think positive and count the blessings that I do have. I do believe that everything happens for a reason but this one I can not figure out. Why would I have to go through so much pain to have this meant to be?

How long was it before the shock wore off for you?

Again. Thank you all so very much.

The initial shock took a few hours, perhaps days. The feeling of, "How could she do this to me, to us? It makes no sense" lasted for months.

So it depends on what you mean by shock. Also keep in mind, everyone is different at what pace they progress through the stages of grief:

http://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/04/this-is-chapter-excerpt-from-our-book.html

How long does it take? As long as it needs to.