Infidelity Support Group
Any relationship in which one partner engages willfully in sexual relations with another outside of the partnership is considered to have experienced infidelity. This breach of trust is often traumatizing for the faithful partner as well as the relationship, and support is often needed to heal emotionally and to decide whether or not the relationship should continue after...
My husband of 24 years just ended his 2 year affair. I love him and want our marriage to work. I have chosen to forgive him and believe I can deal with the reality and hurt. I understand the problems in our marriage that led to his affair and believe we can overcome them and have a good chance of being happy together again. However, he misses his girlfriend and is really sad. He says he loves me, never intended to hurt me and is very sorry he did. However, he also says he feels trapped, isn’t sure he can get over his feelings for his other woman and isn’t sure he will be able to reconnect with me - but he wants to try. I’m trying to be strong, understanding, kind and supportive. How long will take for his feelings for her to recede, so he can reconnect with me again?
So stop focusing on him.
IF you know your part in the reason the marriage had issues work on yourself.
You can not fix him and you know this. You have been with him this long you know he will not change.
You should do some self healing, self reflecting.
You want your marriage to recover? Then be yourself, who are you really? what do you like? What do you do? What are your hobbies? Do you take care of yourself? Look in the mirror hard.
He stepped out, that's on him, Stop dwelling on the past you cant get anywhere going to the past.
Start a daily journal, and write things down.
You need to heal from this pain.
He's trapped? How is he trapped?
You need to get him to realize that he is lucky to have YOU. And to have you, he has to meet certain conditions. Again, you have to be doing this in the most loving ways.
He must go no contact with the OW. Is she married? If so, be sure you tell her husband about the A.
Most affairs go underground at this point. Your H is in a way giving you fair warning. So I would talk to a lawyer, too. You can't save this marriage all on your own.
His feelings for her will recede once he decides you are his one and only. That won't happen if they are still in contact with one another. You have to out-mistress the mistress. You need to play her role only better.
I'm on the other side, I had the affair, and now six months since it ended through D-Day, it is getting better. Truth is, that if your husband had strong feelings for the other woman he can still have strong feelings for you, and you can work things out. But, he has to figure that out for himself and work on that alone in most ways. It is great that you are being strong and understanding, my husband was not able to do that for me and I dealt with my grief and loss of my AP alone. Because for many of us, when the affair is an emotional affair primarily, it really is a very personal loss and sense of failure, and not just a loss of a sexual partner.
Here is an article that really helped me see things from my husband's perspective of being betrayed, and helped me understand what I was about to go through as the spouse that cheated.
https://www.heysigmund.com/infidelity-understanding-the-affair-and-rebuilding-your-relationship/ or look it up yourself if that link goes bad: "Infidelity: Understanding the Affair - And Rebuilding your relationship" by Karen Young
Memphis and Storm above make some really good points about what you can do to heal, and it will be hard but it is important for both of you to be incredibly loving and caring for each other and for yourself right now. This is hard. You are at the hardest part right now. Those first weeks were the worst days of my life, and still trigger fear in me. Protect each other, and protect yourself, too. I don't know more details of your situation, but some CS' really do take advantage of their BS, don't let that happen to you. At the same time, if you want your marriage to work then you will be need to be understanding and caring to your husband, too. But, still recognize your feelings in all this, and don't discount your needs to accommodate his only. Be open to understanding and solutions, but don't minimize your feelings, desires, or needs, or what you can or can't live with. Bottom line - both you and your spouse deserve to understand each other needs (all types of needs! relational, sexual, intellectual, etc.), deserve to have your needs met, deserve to be treated fairly and with love and caring. If you both can't do that for each other in this process of reconnection, then you may want to consider other options.
But, in the meantime, he should keep focused on your and your relationship together 100% if you stand a chance.
Good luck. You are at the hardest part (so I say from just a half year post D-Day, and not knowing what is yet to come!)
It's been 14 months since I've learned about his affair. Since then, he has "ended" it about 9 times, then goes back. Every time, I've forgiven him. Today, it's been about 2 weeks since he ended it (again), but this time feels more real and I believe he is really trying to move on.
However, he is very depressed. He has said he feels trapped because he can't deal with the fall out of leaving me for another woman. He doesn't want to hurt our kids (19 and 17), or his parents, or me. He loves me and can't stomach the idea of me with another man. He just can't handle the familial, social or professional consequences, so he's decided to give her. But the cost of that decision seems to be extreme at this time... So we're both just hoping he can get over her and reconnect with me in time. But neither of us knows if he ever will or how long it may take... it's really tough!
After being a complete mess this past year, I'm finally starting to feel more stable and remember who I am. I've always been an extremely confident person, but this situation crushed me and my sense of self and I'm not sure how to get it back. Everyone who knows about this (therapists, friends, family) has advised me to end it and move on, but I just don't want to. I love him and want to do everything possible to fix our marriage. But, I know I will not be happy with him if he can't get over her. So, how much time do I give it?
Thanks again for your insightful responses.
I do know that I don't understand how he can be comfortable with having an affair, but not stomach the idea of you with another man. That just isn't right! Maybe I will never understand that - because for me, I had the affair but I was/am also comfortable with the idea that my husband being with another woman; if he wanted to and if she made him happy, and if we were open about it, and if he actually cared about her (i.e. not just fly by night fling thing). But, I know that is how my mind works and I've known that for a long time, but am coming to more fully accept and understand that. And for now, I am fully committed to monogamy with my husband and fixing what I broke...at least the parts that I broke since we had a whole lot of broken/deferred maintenance prior to my affair, and we are both working on that.
So, I added that bit. Stick to what helps you be stable and don't lose yourself in this process. Since friends and family know, lean on the ones that give you support and caring, without judgement or prescriptions. Maybe ask yourself why you want to stay together? Is love the only reason? Is love enough? (contrary to popular belief, there is no single right answer to that question). How can you be happiest? How can he be happiest? Are you in therapy as a couple? Does that help? (right now my husband and I currently in agreement that we hate couples therapy, and it is not helping us how we need it to....so I hope for better for you)
Your kids are at a sensitive age, but they are older and that makes a big difference in the flexibility of your options.
I hope I gave you a little comfort or help, and I hope more of those on here will also be helpful for you.
As for the real gist of your question, fwiw, I'll just lay out one possible course of action. IMO, you've have answered the first and most important question - can you be happy with him if he can't get over her? No, you can't. So, especially given the ages of your kids, give it a year. Stay in therapy, do the best you can to be loving friends, co-parents, partners to each other - however you jointly best define that for yourselves - and see what the time and work leads to. If you stay together, great. If you don't, the work and the time will not have been wasted because you're always going to be in each others lives. And you'll be able to have a better sense of having made the right decision on as sound a basis as one can get in this complicated, imperfect world.
At the end of a year, if he can't look in you in the eye and really pledge himself to you, or at the very least tell you honestly that things are moving in the right direction and he's at a point where he wants the process to end with the two of you being together, then you'll need to begin to separate. Even that wouldn't necessarily mean that you wont end up together, although it quite possibly might. It may just mean that he needs to approach things differently to achieve some resolution. I guess the bottom line in what I'm saying is take your time but keep moving. Take some of the pressure off and lessen some of the pain by living more in the here and now, as long as what you are doing in the here and now is healthy, jointly agreed to and focused on what is best for your family as a whole. Don't try to answer tomorrow's questions today. Give yourselves time to heal and grow and gain perspective.
Three times this summer I asked him to leave and he couldn't bring himself to do it - and I couldn't bring myself to make him. Recently, I asked him whether it would be easier if I insisted he leave and he nodded. And I think he both means it and doesn't. Seems like he wants to leave but is too fearful of the accompanying consequences to do it.
I'm also very fearful. Of not finding someone I like, love, find attractive, etc. My husband and I are not perfect for each other, but we still have a lot of love, respect (don't laugh, I mean it), attraction, kids, friendships, fun together, a history, a whole life. That is a lot to give up.
While I accept partial responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage before his affair, I don't blame myself for his decisions, betrayal, and deceit. I know his behavior is a reflection of him and not me. I know I'm a valuable, desirable person and I'm blessed to have choices. Regardless, this has still crushed me. It's the only thing I can think about (for 14 months!). I have no idea how to heal, grow or "focus on myself." It's affected my work, social life, personal life and health. I used to read voraciously but haven't picked up a book since dday, I can barely deal with normal chitchat, and I've lost 30lbs.
The thing I'm struggling with most is how to justify - to myself - living with the knowledge that he wants (prefers - ugh!) someone else? How can my heart and ego cope with that?
How to heal? I don't know. I will say that, aside from the blessed alleviation of a particular set of circumstances in my case, the only thing that has worked for me is an outward focused "fake it 'til you make it" approach. You love your kids. When you focus on them and hold back the tears for 5 minutes, you're healing a tiny bit. 7 minutes without thinking about the affair next time. <g> Once you get off the ride, it will get a little better bit by bit and will get manageable eventually. Although I still think about the whole thing all the time, its been awhile now since I've had to hide in my office to cry on any given day . . . let alone all day. <g>
IMO, you're not justifying that. Right now what you're doing is the best you can to be strong and caring for everyone in your life, by taking the time and doing the work. Unfortunately, that has to take place in the same life as the other thing, but you're not justifying it. You're not selling yourself short. And then, one day, you'll ask him that question again and, whatever the answer, your heart and your ego and all the rest of you will be ready to act accordingly.
Hope you have a peaceful weekend.